_______ _ |__ __| | August 31, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Men's Restroom Etiquette .' \ ( , ) Men should ace this test ... women may have a little '--' '-' difficulty. There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. .----------------. The following is the urinal configura- ;----------------; tion in a sample men's room. An "X" | ~~ .------. | above the number indicates "urinal is | / \ | in use." (Sample): | | | | ,---. | \ , , / | |___| | | | x | | | x | '---,########,---' (---( | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | /##' '##\ )---) ------------------------- |##, ,##| (---( \'######'/ '---` (Indicates urinals 3 and 6 are occupied.) \'----'/ | | You are to identify correctly, based on .-| |-. urinal etiquette, at which stall you are jgs / ' ' \ to stand. Good luck! '----------' #1) Easy | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ #2) Easy | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ #3) Kind of tricky | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ #4) Kind of tricky | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ #5) Subtle, tricky, but important to know | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ #6) VERY tricky indeed | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ Correct Answers: #1: Stall 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinc- tively knows this. #2: Stall 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. #3: Stall 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." #4: Stall 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. #5: Stall 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! #6: Stall - NONE! - You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake... use a doored stall! Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Types of People One Meets in A Public Washroom \\///// EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; / @ @ \ finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around ( ^ ) his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pees \ O / in pants. `) (` INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pees in sink. /////\\ SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a pee whether he has to or (/ o o \) not. ( ^ ) \'---'/ FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, `) (` tries to hit fly, never grows up. ######### CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pees in one in middle, #/(. .)\# flushes one on right. ( ' ) \ - / CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, `) (` pees on floor. ,%%%%%%%, NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other %/{o {o\% guy is fixed. ( ^ ) \ = / WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; `) (` makes quick inspection. \\\////// TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching. //- -\\ Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks ( ^ ) back later. \ - / `) (` ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants. %%%%%%%%% TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it. %|~o ~o|% ( ' ) DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, \ --- / goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn't make `) (` it. WWWWWWWWW FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at / 0 0 \ urinal, misses, pees on shoes. ( ^ ) \ - / DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pees in `) (` pants. ,#####, LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns. #/o o\# ( ^ ) SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, \ - / knows man in next stall will be blamed. ) ( DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants. .-----. / ____/ \ CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to \/@ @\/ see it bubble. ( - ) \ ~~ / PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with `) (` free hand. EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to poop and then does both jobs at once. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown ) ( / \ .-"""""-. / \ ( \/ __ __ \/ ) By the end of the party, he's got every ) ; / _\ /_ \ ; ( damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. ( | / \ / \ | ) \ (, \0/_\0/ ,) / Clown car must be started with breathalyzer \_| / \ |_/ device. | (_\___/_) | .\ \ -.- / /. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's { \ `===' / } bo-ZO!" { `.___.' } jgs { } References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are `"="="="="="` lost on most 5-year olds. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint." Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting. Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!" More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit. A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..." Price list includes "lap dance" and __ "around the world." / \--. .---------;__/--' All the balloon animals are ribbed and >( _ _ ) lubricated. `(_)----(_)' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._)