_______ _ |__ __| | September 14, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Bottomless Pit .' \ ( , ) Two travelers are walking the back country of Europe when '--' '-' they find themselves standing before a large and apparent- ly very deep hole in the ground. One man lets out a low whistle and asks, "I wonder how deep this hole is?" His friend shrugs, leans down, and picks up a small rock. "Let's find out." He then drops the rock into the hole. When the men don't hear the rock hit the bottom, they raise eyebrows. "Wow," said the first man. "This is a deep hole." / / He then looks around a little, (\/_//`) finds a much larger rock, and / '/ heaves it into the hole. The 0 0 \ men wait, and still hear nothing. / \ "Wow," said the second man, / __/ \ shaking his head. "This is a /, _/ \ \_ REALLY deep hole." Now the two `-./ ) | ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~\~. men are hooked, and determined to ( / \_} find out just how deep the silly | / | hole is. So they wander off a ; | \ / bit, and find themselves on a \/ ,/ \ | pasture behind a small country / /~~|~|~~~~~~|~|\ | home. In the center of the / / | | | | `\ \ pasture is sitting a large rail- / / | | | | \ \ road tie. Near the house, they / ( | | | | \ \ see a small grey goat grazing. jgs /,_) /__) /__) /,_/ Seeing no one around, the two men use all their strength and drag the railroad tie to the edge of the hole and push it in. They wait and hear nothing. Suddenly, a goat comes running towards them, but he doesn't attack. Instead, he leaps into the hole!! The men are now not only curious and frustrated, but very, very puzzled. They remember seeing a similar goat grazing by the nearby house, and so they hurry over and knock on the door. An old man answers the door. "May I help you boys?" One of the men steps forward. "Sir, you may know that there is a very deep hole near your house...." The man nods. "Oh, yes, a very deep one -- I know that hole. I make sure my animals go nowhere near it." The travelers continues, "But sir, we believe we just saw one of your goats come running to the hole, and then jump right down into it!" The man smiles faintly and shakes his head. "Nooooo, not my goat....I keep my goat tied to the old railroad tie in my back yard." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) JAMES AND THE GIANT SCHLONG __..------..__ __..------..__ _.-' '-. .-' '-. .' Y '. / O \ / \ / When James Valentino came to school last \ ; Halloween, little did he know the controversy he ; | was about to start. | | | | It all began several weeks before, when James and | \ his friends were discussing what to be for / . Halloween. His friend said, "sometimes . |`. when I don't know what to be, I look .'| | ' . through a magazine or a book to . ' | | ' . get some inspiration." . ' | |' . ` - - = - - ' . '| | James replied, "Phat yo! That's a funky fresh | | idea, homeboy!" James didn't know how to read, | |so he asked his dad for help. His dad suggested| | being "man's best friend." As fate would have | | it, James' father was an urologist. James was | | searching through his dad's medical journals, | | and found it. The perfect Halloween costume. | | He COULD be man's best friend. | | He would be.............a GIANT PENIS!! | | It was perfect, he had never heard of anyone | | ever being one. He would be sure to take home | | the "most original costume" prize at school. | | And, what girl wouldn't love a 6 foot penis?? | | Maybe Julie would finally talk to him! | | Nothing could possibly ever go wrong! It was | | the best idea he ever had. He called up the | | local costume shop, asking the man if he had a | | costume to rent. The man asked James how big he| | was. James told him and the man replied, "You | | want to know if I have a 6 foot dick?!?!" It | | was at that moment that James came to the stark| | realization that he would have to make the | | costume himself. He borrowed his friend's | | slippers, and made a rubber shell around them | | and tied them together with more rubber. Then | | he glued a huge mass of black yarn on to the | | rubber. Then he glued some more. (He was | | Italian, after all.) He found a six foot piece| | of plastic that fit around his body. He cut | | arm holes and a face hole, and covered the rest| | with layer upon layer of rubber. He then went | | to his artist friend's house, who applied the | | "finishing touch," a paper mache head. He | | covered that with rubber, and the costume was | | complete. Only his closest friends knew about | | the six foot dick, but no one else was quite | | ready. | | The response was incredible. He was the most | | popular guy in school. However, only the girls | | would hang out with him, and he was ignored by | | the jealous guys. A freshman girl was even | | heard whispering to her friend as they passed | | by, "I didn't know they got that big!" | | However, it wasn't fun and games for everyone. | |Several people were injured as James cruised the| | freshman hall. As several freshman turned to | | take in the spectacle of the 6 foot walking | | schlong, several seniors were knocked unconsc- | | ious by the swinging, portable, back mounted | |lockers, also referred to as "backpacks." It | |was all downhill from there. The trouble start-| |ed when he saw Julie. She was the most beauti- | | ful girl in the school, and James was crazy | |about her. Using his creativity, James had ran | |a tube from his hand to the top of his "head," | | filled with corn syrup. When Julie passed by, | | he lost control of himself, and corn syrup | |spewed everywhere, hitting several students as | | well as the assistant principal. Boy, was she | |pissed off! It was the beginning of the end for| | poor old James. | |Wanting answers, the assistant principal ordered| | James to remove the costume at once. He could | | not, for the syrup had stuck the rubber to him.| | She then proceeded to "circumcise" the costume| | with her letter opener. It was terrible to | |watch. James began to cry, "Look at what you've| | done to my beautiful penis! | | You pecker wrecker!" | | James ran back to his house, only to be picked | |up by a passing patrol car. He was charged with| |indecent exposure and failure to control himself| | in a public area. James continues to attend | @&| high school, and cannot decide what to be |@& &@&@| next year. |@&@ @@%%@@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%@@@@@@%@@@%%%@@@@@@@@@%@@@@ %%@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%@@@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%@@@@@@@ %%@@@@@@@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%@@@@@@@ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .------, =\ \ The Dangers Of Drinking On The Job... .---. =\ \ | C~ \ =\ \ ____ Two blokes were painting a | `----------'------'---'` `, Concorde at Heathrow air- .' LI.-.LI LI LI LI LI LI LI.-.LI`-. port in London and it was \ _/.____|_|______.------,______|_|_____) taking a long time. They / / had just reached the wings =/ / and one says to the other, "Smell this =/ / paint, it smells just like vodka!!" =/ / jgs /_____,' The other bloke says "Yeah, you're right, let's have a swig". So he takes a swig, and it is just about palatable. Come the end of the shift they have drunk 37 cans of paint between them and they are completely pissed. They stumble back to their homes and go straight to bed, nearly dead. The first bloke wakes up and he's got the biggest hangover of his life. He climbs out of bed and falls flat on his face. He looks down and notices that some little wheels have grown out the soles of his feet. "What the fuck..." he exclaims. He skates into the bathroom and he could not believe what he saw in the mirror. He had a 7 inch long pointy nose instead of his own, his shoul- ders were pushed back and his arms were now flattish. "Oh, for fuck's sake..." Suddenly, the phone goes, he answers it and it was his mate from the day before. "Thank God you've phoned...I've got wheels on my feet, a long pointy nose, flat arms and I don't know what the fuck is going on..." The reply came, "Yeah, I know...whatever you do don't fart, I'm phoning from Bahrain!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Who Will Do The Cooking? _____________ ______________ A group of cowboys go out on the (_,---------.(`______________`) prairie for a few weeks working. \ / They have the question: who's going jgs `-------------' to do the cooking in the evenings? They decide: one guy'll cook each night till someone complains, then the next guy'll take over. Simple, fair. The first guy starts. Asks, "How was that??" The others say: "Mmm, not bad. Can't complain." He feels pretty pleased that they like his cooking. Next night, he asks: "How was that??" They say: "Good, good. Can't complain." This goes on for a couple of weeks. The guy gradually gets fed up with doing all the cooking. But everyone likes his food. So one evening, he goes out onto the prairie and collects a pile of buffalo turds, hoists them into the pot, and boils them up. ) ( That night, he asks: "How's that then?" , ___)\ They say: " Well, it tastes like shit, (_____) BUT WE CAN'T COMPLAIN!!...." jgs (_______) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking... .' '. ...and Brain Development / \ oOoOo | | ,==||||| \ / _|| ||||| A herd of buffalo can only '.___.' _.-'^|| ||||| move as fast as the slowest __/_______.-' '==HHHHH buffalo, much like the brain _.-'` / """"" can only operate as fast as .-' / oOoOo the slowest brain cells. `-._ / ,==||||| '-/._|| ||||| The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak / ^|| ||||| so they die off first, making it possible / '==HHHHH for the herd to move at a faster pace. /________""""" `\ `\ Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain \ `\ / cells are the ones that are killed off by \ `\/ excessive beer drinking and socializing, / making the brain operate faster. / jgs /_____ Conclusion: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Word Of The Week: "Politics" (pol.i.tics) The word politics is a fairly ancient word, as it comes from two latin roots. The first part of the word comes from the latin root "POLY" which means many. The second part of the word comes from the latin root "TICS" which means "blood sucking parasites". .-"-. Hence the word politics actually means, .-"-. @@/ \ / \@@ Y '-<<<-' "MANY BLOOD-SUCKING PARASITES." '->>>-' Y ''' ``` jgs _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'