_______ _ |__ __| | September 21, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | A Man And A Parrot... .' \ ( , ) On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see '--' '-' a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stew- ______ __ ardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks {-_-_= '. `'. "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flus- {=_=_- \ \ tered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets {_-_ | / the coffee. '-. | / .===, .--.__\ |_(_,==` ( o)'-. When this omission is pointed out to her `---.=_ ` ; `/ \ the parrot drains its glass and bawls `,-_ ; .'--') / "and get me another whisky you bitch" {=_ ;=~` `"` quite upset,the girl comes back shaking `//__,-=~` with another whisky but still no coffee. <<__ \\__ jgs /`)))/`))) Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll give you a slap". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a cheeky bastard! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!" ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ('v') ('v') ('v') ('v') ('v') _ (( )) (( )) (( )) (( )) (( )) _ (_'---"---"----"---"----"---"----"---"----"-------'_) jgs (_.===============================================._) _.()._ The Joys Of A Back Yard BBQ... .' '. / \ A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he |'-...__...-'| was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, \ '==' / "Boy, your ass is getting big... almost as big as `'.____.'` the gas grill here." / | \ /.---|--.\ A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he []/'-.__|_.-'\[] was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, | "Boy, your ass *IS* getting big... almost as big as jgs [] the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed, saying, "yep, that thing is getting huge." At this the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaim- ed, "It *IS* as big as the gas grill!" Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. ______________ "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's .-' `-. wrong?" (____________________) ( ) Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing jgs ( `----------------' ) up this grill for ONE LITTLE WIENER!" `------------------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ ____ \___\_.:::::::.___ Bar Room Darts \___\_.:::::::.___ jgs /___/ ':::::::' jgs /___/ ':::::::' A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! Downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! ((( ((( All are astounded. No one has ever won. \_;.-,-,-.;_/ The bartender searches for a prize... .-=. /'.\_|_|_/.'\ grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium / ' `|_/` `\_\-._, and presents it to the drunk as his prize. \ . ,|_\. _ _ _ ./_/``` ____ '-=' \.'/ | | \`./ \___\_.:::::::.___ /`;'-'-'-'-;`\ jgs /___/ ':::::::' jgs ((( ((( Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then an- nounces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amaze- ment and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk " Say, what did you win the last time?" And the drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Advice From The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man .---. (_,/\ \ (`- -( ) Dear Bad Answer Man, ) \= ) ( (.--' '--.) I'm thinking of going to the doctor soon for my / (.) (.) \ very first mammogram. I'm a little nervous about | / \ / \ | this... is there anything that I can do to prepare? \\ / . \ // \/\___/\/ Mammograms require your breast to go gymnastic. If | \_/ | you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. \ / / Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing \/ / nothing in particular, so they are woefully ( ( unprepared. |\ \ jgs | \ \ But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using /_Y/_Y these simple exercises: EXERCISE 1: Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily. EXERCISE 2: Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily. EXERCISE 3: (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) * . * Did You Know... No Two Snow Flakes . _\/ \/_ . Are The Same? \ \ / / . . .. .. -==>: X :<==- _\/ \/_ '\ /' / _/ \_ \ _\/\/_ \\// ' /\ /\ ' _\_\_\/\/_/_/_ _.__\\\///__._ * ' * / /_/\/\_\ \ ' ///\\\ ' _/\/\_ //\\ /\ /\ ./ \. ._ _. ' ' '' '' (_) (_) <> \ / <> .\::/. \_\/ \/_/ .:. _.=._\\//_.=._ \\// .. \o/ .. '=' //\\ '=' _<>_\_\<>/_/_<>_ :o| | |o: '/::\' <> / /<>\ \ <> ~ '. ' .' ~ (_) (_) _ _ _ //\\ _ >O< ' ' /_/ \_\ / /\ /\ \ _ .' . '. _ \\// <> / \ <> :o| | |o: /\_\\><\\ \/ ':' . ~~\ /~~ . _//\\_ jgs _\_._\/_._/_ \_\ /_/ / ' /\ ' \ \o/ o ' __/ \__ ' _o/.:|:.\o_ o : o ' .'| |'. .\:|:/. '.\'/.' . -=>>::>o<::<<=- :->@<-: : _ '/:|:\' _ .'/.\'. '.___/*\___.' o\':|:'/o o : o \* \ / */ /o\ o >--X--< /*_/ \_*\ .' \*/ '. : ' A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various seasons of the year. "In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait until spring" the Yank said. "Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no object to us." said the Scot. "Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American. "No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two." /` |>18>> / | < ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'