_______ _ |__ __| | October 5, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Limited Cranium Capacity .' \ ( , ) Once upon a time a woman fell in love with a man beneath '--' '-' her station. He had nothing. He was nobody. She had wealthy parents and great political connections. "I can't help it, Daddy," She told her dad. "When he rubs my feet I just come all to pieces. I want to marry him so he can rub my feet every night. "That's great," said her dad. "But I am not going to | | support him. He'll have to get a job." | I | | | It was a terrible situation, for fair damsel had to face the | I | truth; her foot-rubbing boyfriend had a self-imposed condi- | | tion known as a Limited Cranium Capacity. "But he says it | I | isn't his fault Daddy." | | | I | Dad gracefully accepted the inevitable. Don't worry about | | it, Uncle Joe runs the State Highway Department. He'll put | I | Mr. Footrubber to work on the highway and no one will ever | | be any the wiser." | I | | | That was fair enough and fair damsel quickly agreed. Joe | I | Bob Footrubber was delighted with the news. "You've never | | seen me work," he said. "But I can work. I'll work so hard, | I | you'll be proud of me." | | | I | "All I care about is the footrubs," she admitted. "Daddy | | pays for my toilet paper and all my other expenses. All you | I | have to do is keep your job for two weeks and we can get | | married." | I | ___ The very next morning Joe Bob went to work. | | ,--[___]--, That night he came in, glowing with success. | I | / \ "They put me to painting yellow | | |,.--'```'--.,| , lines down the middle of the high- | I | |'-.,_____,.-'| || way with a paintbrush. I have my | | |'-.,_____,.-'| || own paint bucket and everything. | I | | | _||_ I painted 15 miles of yellow lines | | | P A I N T | ///\\\ today. They said I was doing | I | | | HHHHHH great." The happy couple celebrat- | | |'-.,_____,.-'| |||||| ed with a footrub that went | I | `'-.,_____,.-'' |||||| all the way up to the ankle, and | | jgs beyond. | I | | | When Joe Bob came home the next night though, he looked pen- | I | sive. "Something wrong?" she asked. He admitted there was. | | "I only painted seven miles today. They said that even if it | I | was uphill that I was not doing so well. " | | | I | "You'll do better tomorrow," she told him hopefully. To keep | | their minds off their problem they did a footrub, starting at | I | the knee and coming down, just to keep things from getting | | out of hand. The next morning she let him out of the dog's | I | room and sent him off to work with a big hug and one little | | kiss. "You'll do great, Joe Bob." | I | | | But that isn't the way it went down. When Joe Bob came home | I | that night he had a pink slip in his hands. Fair damsel was | | deep in distress. "What happened?" | I | | | "I only painted two miles of yellow stripes today. They | I | said they just couldn't live with my output." | | | I | "Only TWO miles?" she exclaimed. "You painted 15 miles the | | first day. You did seven miles the second day. What's the | I | matter you could only paint two miles today?" | | | I | "It isn't my fault," he assured her. "Every day it took me | | longer and longer to walk back to my paint bucket to dip my | I | brush in fresh paint." | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) || "Little Slim" by Bill Jones || || ||/||___ || "Late again," the third-grade teacher || /` )____________||_/| Said to Little Slim. (When anyone was ||/___ //_/_/_/_/_/_/||/ | late for school, It usually was him.) ||(___)/_/_/_/_/_/_/_|| | || |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|| /| "It ain't my fault, Miss Addy, You can || | | | | | | | ||/|| blame this on my Pa. The reason I'm ||~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|| three hours late? Pa sleeps nights in || || jgs the raw!" Now Miss Addy had taught grammar school For thirty-some-odd years. So she asked Slim what he meant by that, Despite her mounting fears. Full of grin and mischief, In the flower of his youth, Slim and Trouble were ol'pards- But he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Addy, at the ranch, This here lowdown coyote, The last few nights done et six hens And killed Ma's best milk goat." "And last night when Pa heard a noise, Out in the chicken pen, He grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again!" "Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird- No boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse on all fours he crawled, like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel Through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, With coyotes on his mind, Our ol' hound Zeke had done woke up And come asneakin' up behind. Then we all looked on plumb helpless As Pa was cold-nosed without warnin'. Miss Addy, we been cleanin' chickens Since three o'clock this mornin'! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. The Betting Sailor | | |=| There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. |=| He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. | | His shipmates were continually losing their money to him, | | making them very irritated. | | | | The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another | | ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than | | 15 minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his | | new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids. | | The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had | | no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. | | | | The boy told his new Captain to drop his drawers and bend | | over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy | | shoved a broomstick up the Captain's ass. The sailor | | found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The |=| new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call the jgs |=| boy's old Captain and tell him. |_| .=/I\=. When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he ////V\\\\ had just taken 50 dollars from the boy. The old Captain |#######| replied, "How?" ||||||||| ||||||||| "Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemor- ||||||||| rhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop ||||||||| my drawers and bend over. When I did, he shoved a broom- ||||||||| stick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won." The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within an hour he would have a broomstick shoved up your ass!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Rush Job Calendar _________________________________________ / ~ R U S H J O B C A L E N D A R ~ \ /|_____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____ _____|\ || NEG | FRI | FRI | FRI | THU | WED | TUE || ||-----'-----'-----'-----'-----'-----'-----|| || 8 | 7 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 1 || ||----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----|| || 16 | 15 | 14 | 12 | 11 | 10 | 9 || ||----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----|| || 23 | 22 | 21 | 20 | 19 | 18 | 17 || ||----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----|| || 32 | 30 | 28 | 27 | 26 | 25 | 24 || ||----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----|| || 39 | 38 | 37 | 36 | 35 | 34 | 33 || \|----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----|/ `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` 1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd. 2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week. 3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs. 4. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs. 5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with the removal of non-productive Saturday's and Sunday's. 6. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seat's taken!" The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears." .----. .---. '---, `.____________________________.' _ `. ) ____________________________ <_> : .---' .' `. .' jgs `----' `---' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _,,_ /` `\ Man and his friend meet on the golf course and / / 6 6\ \ decide to finish off the round together. The \/\ Y /\/ friend has a little dog with him and, on the next / `'U` \ green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot , ( \ | \ putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up |\|\_/ \_/ on its hind legs. \/'. \ /'\ \ /-\ / The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of jgs /____)/____) the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??" "Somersaults." "Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?" "Mmmmm... depends on how hard I kick him!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ ___(__)___ A Yale English professor complained to the pet / \ shop proprietor that the parrot he purchased | ___ | used improper language. | ('v') | | ((___)) | "I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never jgs |--/-"---"---| known that bird to swear." "Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'