_______ _ |__ __| | October 12, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Real (Female) Engineers .' \ ( , ) Real engineers wear jewelry made .{{}}}}}}. '--' '-' from discarded motherboards. {{{{{}}}}}}}. {{{{ {{{{{}}}} Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ on nail polish; they just never remove it. }}}} 6 6 }}}} {{{{C ^ {{{{ Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}} around their beta release schedule. {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}} {{{{{{{) (}}}}}}' Real engineers not only nurse and program at the `""'"': :'"'"'` same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by `@` jgs the clacking of the keyboard. Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does. Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart. Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency. Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning. ________ .==. Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt jgs [________>c((_ ) (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a pack- '==' age of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, in case they pull an all nighter. Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in. Real engineers only wear slip-on shoes (with or without heels) so she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming. Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Victoria's )\_ _/( Secret because they insist on knowing the exact tensile --=(__/^\__)==- strength of their bras before buying them. jgs Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their science kits. Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses. Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time. Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape. Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch. Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor. .@@@@@. Real Engineers look on having a baby as an / \ opportunity to brush up on biomedical and / 6 6 \ structural engineering in preparation for ( ^ ,) taking the PE exam. \ c /-._ `._____.' `--.__ \ / `/``"""'-. Real engineers cinch their biking Y 7 / : skirts with cable ties. | / | .--. : / /__ \/ `.__.:.____.-. / / / `"""`/ .-"..____.-. \ Real engineers read the jgs _.-' /_/ ( \-. \ toxic shock inserts in `=----' `----------'""`-. \ `" the tampon box. `" Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions. Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide documentation on how to cut them!) Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to, but they can't! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. _ __ _ __ ( `^` )) ( `^` )) If Microsoft made toasters... | || | || | || | || Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would '-----'` '-----'` have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interro- gate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. _ __ If Apple made toasters... ( ^ )) ___|___||__ It would do everything the Microsoft toaster |.---------.| does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make || || a little smiley face at you when it popped up, || || or else it would get stuck and there would be a ||_________|| little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If `----)-(----` they break, these toasters would require a ____[=== o]___ special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. |::::::::::::::|\ Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all jgs `-============-`() the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster. If The NeXT Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Sony made toasters... Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single- slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time. _ _ If Timex made toasters... ( `^` )) | || They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal O |_____|| O wrist toasters that take a licking and keep O O on toasting. o o ` . _ . ' If Radio Shack made toasters... ~0 (_| |(_~|^~~| The staff would sell you a toaster, but not TT/_ T"T know anything about it. You would be able to jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives. If Wang made toasters... Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-._ A guy walks into a Boston bar with a ) {_}^ )' dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing /`----------`/~` a New England Patriots jersey and helmet, jgs (_(--------(_( and is festooned with Patriots pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The guy begs him: "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the Patriots receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" _.-. '( ^{_} ( The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had `~\`----------'\ him for 4 years." jgs )_)--------)_) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A farmhand goes to the doctor with a broken leg... _ _ ( `-.__.-' ) "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." `-. .-' \ / "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg || this morning." || //\\ "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started // \\ working on the farm, that night, right after I had || || gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into ||____|| my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. ||====|| I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she \\ // asked. "I'm sure", I said. "Isn't there *anything* \\// I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not", jgs || I replied..." || || "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story || have to do with your leg?" || || "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it [] dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Career Test... An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. , , They took a ten-dollar bill, /////| a bible, and a bottle of ///// | [~] whiskey, and put them on the ///// | |=| front hall table, and hid, |~~~| | | .-' '-. pretending they're not home. |===| |/| |-----| | B |/| | | ~~~ | .-----------------. | I | | | | ~~~ | |$10 ~~~~~~~~~ $10| | B | | | | ~~~ | |S o (0) o S| | L | / | | |$10 __==^==__ $10| | E | / |-----| `-----------------' |===|/ '-----' jgs '---' The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a Businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the items they had left. As they watched he took the ten dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said... "Darn... Our son is going to be a politician!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .------. .-~~~~-. | | /` `\ ____|______|____ / .-""""-. \ `--.%%%%%%%%.--` | / .-''-. \ | %% . . %% | |/ . . \| | % _\ % \| /_ |/ %, ,% | _ / '%, = ,%' '.____.' jgs '%%%%%%' (>o<) /\ Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities 10. Drink molasses till you heave. 9. Attend a Wet Bonnet contest. 8. Tear a page out of the room directory and totally trash it. 7. Throw a "Keg of Buttermilk" party. 6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really hot Clydesdale. 5. Get a tattoo that says: "Born to Raise Barns." 4. Dare to wear a see-through smock to bed. 3. Sleep in until 6:00am. 2. Cop a glance, behind a checkout counter, of the front cover of a Playboy Magazine. 1. Churn butter naked. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-"-. .-"-. .-"-. .-"-. _/_-.-_\_ _/.-.-.\_ _/.-.-.\_ _/.-.-.\_ / __} {__ \ /|( o o )|\ ( ( o o ) ) ( ( o o ) ) / // " \\ \ | // " \\ | |/ " \| |/ " \| / / \'---'/ \ \ / / \'---'/ \ \ \'/^\'/ \ .-. / \ \_/`"""`\_/ / \ \_/`"""`\_/ / /`\ /`\ /`"""`\ jgs \ / \ / / /|\ \ / \ -={ see no evil }={ hear no evil }={ speak no evil }={ have no fun }=- _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'