_______ _
                       |__   __| |                    October 26, 1997
                          | |  | |__   ___                      Sunday
                          | |  | '_ \ / _ \
 .-.     _      ______    | |  | | | |  __/    ____
(   `. .' )    |  ____|   |_|  |_| |_|\___|   |  _ \
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   |   |       |  __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | |  _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \
   |   |       | |  | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | |  __/
   | 66|_      |_|   \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___|
   |  ,__)                              __/ |                         
   |(,_|       To properly view the    |___/   ASCII art contained here,
   | |         use a non-proportional         "typewriter" font such as
   | \_,                   Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco.
   |   |       
   |   |                  A Politically Correct Halloween
 .'     \      
(    ,   )     Political correctness has taken its toll on Halloween.
 '--' '-'      Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:

 WITCH BURNING:  Just singe one around the             _.--""""--._
 edges today and the ERA types will be on you        .'   /\       '.
 like stink on shit.  What 30 centuries of          /   _/__\_  ^V^  \
 white male authors used to call witches, are      /     {'\\\        \
 today respected as complexion-impaired,           |      / `\    ___ |
 wardrobe-challenged wom... uh, womyn.             | ====/=/  )==<I-=-|
                                                   \      <  <    ``` /
 WINDOW WAXING:  These days you'll only set off     \      \ /       /
 the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive    '._    `     _.'
 burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and           '--....--'  jgs
 revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to
 leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.

 TRICK-OR-TREATING:  This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation
 of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the
 perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb
 their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs
 out.

 And then there are the treats themselves:

 Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-
 bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
      __
      \_}         Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed,
     .-./--.      washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and
    /# ^^   \     X-rayed before being handed out.  Any worms should
    |       |     be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to
     \     /      their native soil, or, if they so choose, given
 jgs  `"`"`       refugee status in yours.

 Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:

 That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and
 tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is
 eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking
 hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.

 Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin?               .--.
 Uh uh, cruelty to animals or their depictions             /`-'/
 is a no-no.                                       .----,_|   (__
                                                  { ="""`/`""`__ `'-.  
 Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as      /`---'`_\  /_  '   \
 there's an equal (and not separate) oppor-      |   '  / \  / \  '   |
 tunity to jane for them, too.                   |  .  / _|  | _\  .  |
                                                 |     \(o/  \(o/     |
 Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 1997     | ,__)    /\    (__, |
 they will be mandatory.                         /   |\    \/    /|   \
                                                |    | '._    _.' |    |
 And, finally, costumes:                        |     \   `|_|   /     |
                                                |  '   `\      /`   '  |
 Ghosts are out of date.  Casper is clearly     |    .   \-.--/   .    |
 a dead, white male, probably European,          \     .  '--'  .     /
 and full of hot air to boot.               jgs   '-...-'._  _.'-...-'
                                                           ``
       .-""""-. 
      / -   -  \         Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays
     |  .-. .- |         and feminists.
     |  \o| |o (
     \     ^    \        Frankenstein monster costumes will offend
     |'.  )--'  /|       transplant recipients, not to mention
    / / '-. .-'`\ \      employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.
   / /'---` `---'\ \
   '.__.       .__.'     Dracula outfits will bring stern warning
       `|     |`         letters from the Transylvanian consulate.
        |     \                                      ,               ,
        \      '--.      Those neat masks with      / \             / \
         '.        `\    jaws rotted away, eyes    |/\ \    _,_    / /\|
           `'---.   |    bulging on distended      || \ |.-"   "-.| / ||
  jgs         ,__) /     optic stalks and          ||  / -.\\ //.- \  ||
               `..'      massive, oozing wounds    \\_ |  /o`^'o\  | _//
                         will get you in trouble    `--|  `"/ \"`  |--`
 with lawyers who specialize in representing           ; |\__"__/| ;
 accident victims on contingency bases.  Which is       \\ \/^\/ //
 to say, all of them.                                    \\     //
                                                      jgs \\-.-//
 Disney costumes.  Sleepy and Dopey will anger the         \`"`/
 vertically-impaired,  Cinderella the adoption              `'`
 agencies, and Aladdin the Arab-American lobby.

 Uncle Remus?  You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat.

 A cowperson?   Perhaps, but don't pack a gun.  And don't even think
 about punching a cow.

 So there you are.  The scariest thing about Halloween these days is
 that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone.  And if someone
 scares you, you can't scream.  In some communities, any auditory
 emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine
 and/or jail term.  Whether you can react instead with a sullen but
 non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term
 by the Supreme Court.  Until then, do so at your own risk.

                               /'.    .'\
                               \( \__/ )/
                         ___   / (.)(.) \   ___
                    _.-"`_  `-.|  ____  |.-`  _`"-._
                 .-'.-'//||`'-.\  V--V  /.-'`||\\'-.'-.
                `'-'-.// ||    / .___.  \    || \\.-'-'`
                      `-.||_.._|        |_.._||.-'
                               \ ((  )) /
                           jgs  '.    .'
                                  `\/`
           _                                                 _
          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)

           . '.'.*.     .*.'.' .
         *. '. \ \ *   * / / .' .*          A young couple was invited
      *._  '. \*88888 88888*/ .'  _.*       to a swanky masked Halloween
    *._  '-. *8*___~*8*~___*8* .-'  _.*     party.  The wife came down
  *    '--.8.-~`   ~-Y-~   `~-.8.--'    *   with a terrible headache and
   '--.___*/  .----.   .----.  \*___.--'    told her husband to go to
     *    8|  \____/ _ \____/  |8   *       the party and have a good
 jgs  '---.|\       / \       /.---'        time.  Being the devoted
           ||'-----'   '-----'              husband, he protested, but
           ||                               she argued and said she was
           ||       going to take some aspirin and go to bed.  She told
           ||       him there was no need for him to miss the fun.  So
           ||       he took his costume and away he went.
           ||
           ||       The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
           ||       awakened without pain, and as it was still early,
           ||       she decided to go to the party.  Because hubby did
           ||       not know what her costume was, she thought she would
           ||       have some kicks watching her husband to see how he
           |/       acted when she was not around.

 She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
 the dance floor.  He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and
 copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.  His wife sidled up
 to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner
 high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

 She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
 Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
 off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before
 unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume
 away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have
 for his notorious behavior.

 She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he
 had done.  He said, "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a
 good time when you're not there."  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
 He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.  When I got
 to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the
 den and played poker all evening.  But I'll tell you... the guy that I
 loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"
           _                                                 _
          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)

         ___                                             \--/
       .'   `"-._        Since this is the time       /`-'  '-`\    
      / ,        `'-_.-.     for goblins and bats,   /          \
     / /`'.       ,' _  |                           /.'|/\  /\|'.\
    `-'    `-.  ,' ,'\\/                                  \/
              \, ,'  ee`-.         Halloween spirits and
              / ./  ,(_   \      ,     ghosts and cats,
             (_/\\\ \__|`--'     ||
             ///\\|     \        ||
             ////||-./`-.}    .--||       Weird happenings and
                /     `-.__.-`_.-.|           witches brew,
                |      '._,-'`|___}    `;
                /   '.        |/ || ,;'`
                |     '.__,.-`   || ':,    These are the things
                |       |        || ,;'      I wish for you:
                /       /     _,.||oOoO.,_
               |        |     \-.O,o_O..-/
              /         /     /          \   May the only ghost
             |         /     /            \  that comes to stay,
             |         |    |      ,       |
             /         |    \   ) (     )  /   Be the Holy Ghost
       jgs  |           \   ,'.(:, ),: (_.'.   to guide your way.
           /            /'.' ="`""="="=="= '.
          `'"---'-.__.'"""`    ` "" "" `""            ,,
             ,                             ,,       ,\\//,
         .--')                           ,\\//,    ,\\\///,   ,,
        /    /  May the only spirit     ,\\\///,   \\\\//// ,\\//,
       |    /     you chance to meet,   \\\\////    \\\/// ,\\\///,
    /'.\   (_.'\                         \\\///     ###### \\\\////
    \          /                         ######    ////\\\\ \\\///
     '--. .---'  Be the spirit of love  ////\\\\  /////\\\\\######
       ( " )  and warm friends sweet,  /////\\\\\//////\\\\////\\\\
        '-'                           //////\\\\\\/,///\\\/////\\\\\
     _                               ///////\_?_\\(_)    //////\\\\\\,
    ( \       May the only tricks         .'`---`'.    _j_/////\\\\\(_)
     ) )                you are          /.'a   a  \.'`---`'.  jgs
    ( (  .-""-.  A.-.A    asked to do,   |:   ^    /.'d\ /b  \
     \ \/      \/ , , \                  \'  www   |:   ^    |
      \   \    =;  t  /=                  '._____.'\'  VVV   /
       \   |"".  ',--'     Be the trick             '._____.'
        / //  | ||            of getting
  jgs  /_,))  |_,))              a friend or two.

 
           Happy Halloween, All Soul's Day, and All Saint's Day!
           _                                                 _
          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)

             Be Safe this Halloween-- Don't Drink and Drive!

         '.  `~~`~`~~^`~~`~^~^`~~`~~`~^~`.   .`     /
           `> ' . ' ". _ '-"`  .  ` ' .   | .    ' /
          .' ,'~^~^~^`^~~^`^~`~~~^~~~^;       ' ' |
          .-'                          \ ` : ` . "|
                                      /| : |  . | |
                                     / |    '   " |
                               __.--~\ |  |   : . |
                              `~--.__/ | .  '     |
                                    \  | .' |  ' "|   _.-")
                                     \_|  .    _ .|.-"_.-"
                                     / \______//  |.-"
                                    / \___/_ \ | .|
                                   /   |   /\/ /" |
                                  /    | ./   /   |
                               _.(     |_ \__/ ' '|
                     __    _.-"_.-\   /  \:   | . |
                _.=~\ _\.-"_.-'    `) \`.=\  .'   |
            _.=~_.=~\\.-\-"        /   | \=\__  | |
             .=~_.=~_\\_/         /    `) \ __)  '|
              =~_.=~_.=`         (     /  |` .    |
               ~_.=~              )__/'| '   "   '|
                                       | . " | ' .|
        '-"_'"-'_"'-_'"-_''_"-"-_"-\ \/'   '   . '`\/"/- '"-_-"'_
       -_ --"-"_jgs_""-_'"--"'_-"-'\\/.\\' / /".\,//\//'-"-_'"-"'_
          -"-'_-"_-"-_"-"'_'-"-"_``"-`"_`'""-`''""'-_'"-"-_"'"-
           _                                                 _
          (_'-----------------------------------------------'_)
          (_.===============================================._)

                                                             _     .-. 
          John Nunley <jokemaster@funnybone.com>            ( `. .'   )
                                                             `. `   /'
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