_______ _ |__ __| | November 16, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Please Read Instructions Thoroughly .' \ ( , ) Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine '--' '-' device that would normally give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except for the fact that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to: _____________ ....-''``'._ _________) IMPORTANT! ,_ '-.___) `'-._)_) Read This Before Using Your New Device jgs -----'``"-,__(__) PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? _....,_ _,...._ _.-` _,..,_'. .'_,..,_ `-._ _,-`/ o \ '. .' / o \`-,_ jgs '-.\___/.-` `-.\___/.-' We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consum- er inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is fill- ed with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about: 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS .-===-. WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. \'-=-'/ \\|// Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it \Y/ is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, .-'`^`'-. Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out /`.'`^`'.`\ on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed ; / \ ; most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control | | | | when he decided to pop the question. It is not \ \ / / without irony that Ida Mae's last name is jgs '.`"---"`.' "Barker", if you get our drift. `"---"` WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return device to the store, .--. .--. and you are missing one single peanut, the store / '---' \ personnel will laugh at you in the chilling manner \ / exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved '-----------' Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret, and not Harvey. 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE |\ /| The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of ||_|| the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a |"""""| continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazard- \ / ous electrical current to flow through their appliances, |_| developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One # Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped # with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six # Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. # # |v| .--.__.--.__.--.__.-- # /~~~\ DO NOT TRY ( # \___/ ) TO PLUG IT IN! # '.__.---.__.--.__.' # # Connecting this device should only be attempted by a quali- # fied electrician. Lay the power cord gently on the floor # near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it # weekly with a damp handkerchief. # # WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT # HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD # AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY. 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. ,_ /\-'|-, __|__ `;--\-' INSTRUCTIONS: For results that '/--\ |/ _|_ |-|-\ can be the finest, it is our / LI \|`) ;\ , , |-L/ \/ advising that: NEVER to hold _\/_ |` '.__) / `/-./\, these buttons two times!! | Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Figure B. .-==============-. .-==============-. | EVEREADY | | DURACELL | (|+ -| (|+ -| | | | | jgs '-===============' '-==============-' Figure B 4. WARRANTY Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. __ _| '-----------.____________________.-'\ `-.`\,' .======. \ == ===== ======= \==. __.' || (___|- = = |----=-------------------| | / ,_ || ___| - - -|_______________________/ | / / / || (___| = = =|_______________________)==' | (_/ '======'_-- -/ / (_II== / | .---. ___/ It's 1860, the decade of gun- / ::. .--. /\ / |( slingers and gentlemen. This is | .::::. / \\ \( // a true story of one such young man jgs / .:::::: | '-----' that wanted more than anything to be ; :::::::: | the fastest and most respected gun- | :::::::: | slinger in the west. |::::::::: | /::::::::: | The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon. '-----------' The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?" Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you." The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?" The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve. Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had al- ready drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson. Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard." Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that. Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-------. ______ John is on vacation in Las Vegas. / o /| /\ \ He decides that while he's in town, /_______/o| /o \ o \ he'll pick up a hooker. He goes to | o | | / o\_____\ a brothel and asks the madam how | o |o/ \o /o / much a hooker will cost. She tells | o |/ \ o/ o / him the girl's $100. He asks if the jgs '-------' \/____o/ ladies are union. "No," is the reply. "Well, I have to find a union establishment." And he goes on his way. ___ (___) John comes to another brothel and asks the madam how /` `\ much a hooker will cost. She tells him the girl's $100. / /"\ \ He asks if the ladies are union. \_/o o\_/ ( _ ) "No," is the reply. `\ /` /\\V//\ "Well, I have to find a union establishment." And he / /_ _\ \ goes on his way. \ \___/ / \/===\/ He comes to another brothel and asks the madam right up || || front if the ladies are union. || || ||___|| "Sure," she says. |_____| jgs ||| "Great," says John, "Here's $100. I'll take that cute / Y \ blonde." `"`"` "No, you won't," the madam responds. "First off, our ladies are $500. And second, you'll take that fat old woman in the corner - she has seniority!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\_ _/) A butcher just out of trade school, ) ( ) ( applies for and gets, a job in north- ( ( ) ) west America, skinning and cutting up )_(\ \.--./ /)_( the kills of local hunters. The first `)` 6 6 '(' job he gets is to cut up a moose to put / \ in the freezer. He finally gets the jgs ( ) ( ) moose cut up and is putting it into bags `(_c__c_)` and marking them with the contents: `--` chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them... moosellanious. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-~~~~-. |\\_ @_/ / oo\_ A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer | \ \ _(") with a herd of pigs gathered around his \ /-| ||'--' feet. The farmer was holding a pig up jgs \_\ \_\\ above his shoulder so it could bite off an apple. Then, he put the pig __ down and raised another, then another. The passerby \_} shouted to the farmer: "Why don't you just shake the .-./--. tree and let the apples fall on the ground? That /# ^^ \ would save a lot of time." | | \ / The farmer responded, "What do pigs care about time?" `"`"` jgs _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'