_______ _ |__ __| | December 21, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-""-, ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ / `\ | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ | /_,__.) | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | /_,__,_} | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ \_|| | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ (_)| 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The 12 Days of Christmas .' \ (Re-Examined in Light of Competition) ( , ) '--' '-' Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary. _ ('> The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree /))@@@@@ never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. /@"@@@@@()@ It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing @@()@@()@@@@ savings in maintenance costs. @@@O@@@@()@@@ @()@@\@@@()@@ On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave @()@||@@@@@ to me: Two Turtle Doves @@||@@@ _ _ || <')_,/ <') ,/ The two turtle doves represent a ^jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^ (_==/ (_==/ redundancy that is simply not cost ='- ='- effective. In addition, their romance during the work- ing hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated. (\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\ On the third day of Christmas, my true ( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('> love gave to me: Three French Hens (__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_) -"= -"= -"= The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion- profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extrem- ely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements. ___ ___ ___ ___ ('v') ('v') ('v') ('v') The four calling birds were (( )) (( )) (( )) (( )) replaced by an automated -/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"---/-"---"-- voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. The five golden rings have been put on ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) ((_)) hold by the Board of Directors. Main- '-' '-' '-' '-' '-' taining a portfolio based on one com- modity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be af- forded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. __ __ __ __ __ __ >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) >(' ) )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , )/ , /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ /(____/\ / ) / ) / ) / ) / ) / ) \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ \ ` =~~/ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ `---Y-' __ ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) ~~' (__) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their out placement. ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ /,_ \ _, |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ |/ )/ / | // _/ |// _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ // _/ | / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ / (_/ _) / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` / ` _/) \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- \ ~=- / jgs^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring. __.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___ (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--` `(uu)' _ `(dd)' _ `(gg)' _ `(vv)' _ | ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) | (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 ,/ `--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ _(__)| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\|| ^`jgs`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ __.----. __.----. __.----. __.----.___ (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' (\(__)/)-' ;--` `(99)' _ `(66)' _ `(aa)' _ `(ee)' _ | ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) ) ( (|) | (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8 (o o) 8~8,/ `--'\_ (__).'`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ (__).`--'\_ _(__)| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `|||~~/\|| `||~|| /\|| ^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^`^ Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age dis- crimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, |~ rest assured our Law () () 0` |~ Department will () _/)(\_ () _/)(\_ 0` ensure an iron- _/)(\_ /^^\ () _/)(\_ /""\ clad defense /~~\ /____\ _/)(\_ /``\ /____\ against an /____\ /""\ /____\ () employee () /____\ _/)(\_ () lawsuit. |~ _/)(\_ () /^^\ _/)(\_ 0` |~ /``\ _/)(\_ /____\ /~~\ Ten Lords-a- 0` /____\ /~~\ /____\ Leaping is /____\ overkill. The high costs of Lords plus... ...the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election. w w w w 0__ \0__ \0__ w w \0__ w /|_ w /_ /_ 0__ w \0__ /_ __0/ '\/ / \0_ '\/ / w _\ \, /|_ __0/ |_ '\/ / /_ ` /_ ` __0/ ` `\/ \, /_ _\\, ` `\/ \, _\ \, /_ `\/ /, ` ` `\/ \, Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut- back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) ,/_) (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") (") /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ /I\ (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) (/^\) ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ ~~jgs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .-} .-} .-} |_| |_| |_| (_) (_) __ (_) .---. | \ .--. | \.' '. | \/ \ |\_|--o ) |\_|--o ; |\_|--o | |:| '--' |:|'.__.' |:|\ / |:| |:| |:| `---` |:|_ |:|_ |:|_ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-. |M| |E| |R| |R| |Y| |X| |M| |A| |S| (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ /\Y/\ [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] [XXX] ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| ||| _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ _|||_ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop- ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel. Happy Holidays! Santa's Workshop Inc., a Limited Liability Partnership Corporation _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) )))))))),,, ,(((((((((((((((, Wilbert And The )\`\)))))))))))))), Hobby Horse /// _ ``((((((((( \\\ b\ \ ``))))))) ))\ | (((((((( ,,,, ( \ |`. )))))))) ____ ,)))))), \, / ) ((((((((-.___.-" `"((((((( `" / ))))))) \)))))) / ((((`` (((((( | )) / ))))))) \ | /(((((( /) / _| / )))))) // /.`"~-----~` \ \ (((( // /` `. '\ ))) // /` `-._ `-. (( // /` `-._ \ ) // /` \`\ \ , jgs // / \ \ \ , \`. // ( / (\ ( .'/ `.`~=//__| /__/__|=~`.' `=.`~~~~=.,_ _,.=~~~~~~_.=` `~=._ `~==.,__ __,.==~` _.=~` `~=._ ``~~~~~~`` _..=~` ``~~==..__ __..==~~`` ```` As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert van- ished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugar- plums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her. Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilbert's mother, "Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate." "I doubt that," said the mother, "but you're welcome to try." Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilbert's ear. Wilbert's eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother's hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santa's words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldn't utter a word. What had Santa said? Wilbert's mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wil- bert's stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say? Wilbert now answered: "He said, listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don't climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I'm going to kick the living piss out of you!' " _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , .-; A few days before Christmas, a man , |\ / / __, enters a pet store looking for a unique |\ '.`-.| |.'.-' gift for his wife. The store manager \`'-: `; : / tells him he has just what he's looking `-._'. \'| for! A beautiful cockatoo named Chet ,_.-=` ` ` ~,_ that sings Christmas carols. He '--,. .-. ,=". brings the husband over to a colorful / { 0 )`;-.} but quiet bird. The man agrees that | '-' /__ | Chet certainly is pretty, but he / \_,\| doesn't seem to be much for singing. | ( __ / ' \ The manager tells him to watch as he /\_ /,'`| ' .-~"~~-. reaches into his pocket and pulls |`.\_ | / ' , / \ out a lighter. The manager then _/ `, \| ; , . | , ' . | clicks the lighter and holds it \ `, | | , , | : ; : | under Chet's left foot. Immediately _\ `, \ |. , | | | | | Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, \` `. \ | ' |\_|-'|_,'\| Holy Night" The husband is very _\ `, `\ ' . ' | | | | | __ impressed with Chet's \ `, | , ' |_/'-|_\_/ __ ,-;` / singing abilities and \ `, \ . , ' .| | | | | _/' ` _=`| watches as the manager `\ `, \ , | | | | |_/' .=" / moves the lighter under- \` `, `\ \ | | ;/' .=" | neath Chet's right foot. \ `, `\' , | ; /' =" _/ Chet now starts to sing `\ `, .-""-. ': /' =" / "Jingle Bells, Jingle all jgs _`\ ;_{ ' ; /' =" / the way." The husband says _\`-/__.~ `.8.'."`~-. =" _,/ that Chet is perfect and that __\ { '-.|.'.--~'`}" _/ he'll take him. \ .="` }.-~"'u'-. '-..' __/ _/ ." { -'.~('-._,.'\_,/ The husband rushes home to his wife / ." _/'`--; ; `. ; and insists upon giving her this wonder- .=" _/' `-..__,-' ful gift immediately. He presents Chet and __/' starts to explain the cockatoo's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night". He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ /`_I_`\ The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas (//o o\\) presents, her first watch and her first perfume. ()\_-_/() She really made a pest of herself throughout the ()_/_\_() morning, going up to all the relatives and stick- ():::::() ing that watch in their ear and insisting that //^|:::|^\\ they smell her perfume. \\/ ~~~ \// /_______\ The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his || || arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you || || mention that watch or that perfume just once more, .-'| |'-. I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of jgs `""` `""` the day." The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Advice From The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man Dear Bad Answer Man: | Here's a few old tricks that What advice can you give \ ' / I've used over the years me to keep the kids from -- (*) -- (although my kids now spend "snooping" in their >*< the holidays next door with Christmas presents >0<@< the neighbors). Think before Christmas? >>>@<<* decoy... What exactly is the >@>*<0<<< best way to safe- >*>>@<<<@<< Wrap up the last week's guard the presents >@>>0<<<*<<@< garbage and put "Important under the tree? >*>>0<<@<<<@<<< not to open until >@>>*<<@<>*<<0<*< Christmas (that's always \*/ >0>>*<<@<>0><<*<@<< irresistible). ___\\U//___ >*>>@><0<<*>>@><*<0<< |\\ | | \\| >@>>0<*<0>>@<<0<<<*<@<< Set a rat trap and | \\| | _(UU)_ >((*))_>0><*<0><@<<<0<*< wrap it up for under |\ \| || / //||.*.*.*.|>>@<<*<<@>><0<<< the tree and just jgs |\\_|_|&&_// ||*.*.*.*|_\\db//_ watch the fun. """"|'.'.'.|~~|.*.*.*| ____|_ |'.'.'.| ^^^^^^|____|>>>>>>| Obtain a rabid weasel from a ~~~~~~~~ '""""`------' local animal control center (tell them you'll "put the poor rascal out of his misery"). Place the little devil in a #10 tin can, wrap it up and place under the tree. Boy howdy will that get their attention. And as a last resort you could staple their hands to your pet dog and throw a biscuit doggie treat onto the bumper of a passing speeding bus. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ John Nunley .'` `'. / , \ write to to subscribe |_,__.__\ | write to to unsubscribe {_,_,__,_} / write to for general information _|66 | |( (__, | {_} For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website ho L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com ho | | ho,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'