_______ _ |__ __| | January 18, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Help for Single Guys .' \ ( , ) If you date quite a bit you find blowing off a chick the '--' '-' most difficult part of the dating process. After a second or perhaps third date that we know didn't go at all well, the closest we ever come to telling a chick it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." Of course, we have no intention of calling her and we may even feel a slight twinge of guilt. ,#####, But I have discovered a great way to blow #_ _# a chick off. It's safe. It's affordable, |e` `e| and the best thing is the chick has no | u | opportunity to throw things at you. And \ = / it's at your fingertips right now. |\___/| ___ ____/: :\____ ___ It's E-mail. .' `.-===-\ /-===-.` '. / .-"""""-.-"""""-. \ That's how all the happening, /' =:= '\ 90's kind of guys are telling .' ' .: o -=:=- o :. ' `. chicks they're not worthy. (.' /'. '-.....-'-.....-' .'\ '.) You'll feel like a real man /' ._/ ". --:-- ." \_. '\ knowing you have told her | .'| ". ---:--- ." |'. | how you really feel from | : | | ---:--- | | : | the safety of your keyboard. \ : | |_____._____| | : / / ( |----|------| ) \ And you can delete her /... .| | | | |. ...\ response without ever |::::/'' jgs / | \ ''\::::| reading it. What could '"""" /' .L_ `\ """"' be more painless? /'-.,__/` `\__..-'\ ; / \ ; I have drafted the enclosed E-mail : / \ | rejection letter and invite you to | / \. | use it the next time you need to |`../ | ,/ put your main squeeze on waivers. ( _ ) | _) | | | | The text of the letter follows. |___| \___| Hope it comes in handy. :===| |==| \ / |__| ---== * ==--- /\/\ /"""`8.__ |oo| \__.//___) Dear (her name), |==| \__/ I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check all those that apply) ___ Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements. ___ The fact that you attended the University of Miami and / or root for the Miami Hurricanes demonstrated that you do not meet my intelli- gence requirements. ___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___ The only question you asked was how much money I make. ___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ___ My breasts are bigger than yours. ___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alterna- tive bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boy- friend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ___ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount import- ance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom during our sexual encounters so it would be "just like" your college days seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. ___ As a practice I do not normally discriminate against single mothers, and although I understand the youngster was named for her father, I do not think "Sturgis, South Dakota" is an appropriate name for a little girl. ___ Your revelation that you, a 30-year-old, had dated your previous boyfriend, an alcoholic, for 16 years raised some serious questions about your mental state. ___ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, Your Name (Optional) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,;;;, Building a Winning Resume ;;;;;;; .-'`\ '/_ Listed below are the typical components of .' \ ("`(_) a resume and priceless secrets for dealing / `-,.'\ \_/ with them. These tips will help crush the \ \/\ `--` competition, get you in the door and put you \ \ \ behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus. / /| | /_/ |_| jgs ( _\ ( _\ #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## #:## THE NAME: Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith--now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark "Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad. THE ADDRESS: Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic. THE PHONE NUMBER: Skip it. What are the odds they'll call--1,000 to 1. If they do, they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to list some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two. THE AMBITION STATEMENT: Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some noncritical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position." EDUCATION: Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school, and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your education credits: "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993...and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT." EXPERIENCE: Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system. Everybody's done that stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit more concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface" sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try "Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV. THE CLOSE: "References furnished upon request"? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation. Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .======. A quiet little man was brought before a judge. /((((((()\ The judge looked down at the man and then at the ((/// \)) charges and then down at the little man in ((/`__ __()) amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words /`-{_o}^{o_}'\ what happened?" he asked the man. \_ _\ _/ \ .__, / "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of \ `-' / proof." said the little man. /`----'\ jgs.-"""`------'`""-. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' So I stabbed him." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" _ ( ..:::[=--. /o\ _ "But I'm not pregnant." ) .:::'' \ (")\ /_\ (,`):::,(. `/:\ I I "You're not rescued yet." ) (. )' (' |:|`\ ,={_O_} jgs (,)' ). (' ),) _/^|_ `-.__.' | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Advice From The Funny Bone Bad Answer Man ________ .==== Q: What did you do about the usual [________>< :=== "eat-eat-eat syndrome" of the '==== holidays Bad Answer guy? ________ ___,,,,,,, [________>__________\ A: I ate, ate, ate. I even joined a local "ton for lunch bunch". It's a ________ .==. group of guys that get together for jgs [________>c((_ ) lunch every Thursday. The interesting '==' thing is our combined weight is 2000lbs (before lunch). We always frequent "All you can eat" buffets. We typically clean them out of a weeks quota of shrimp and eggrolls. We are currently on probation with 7 different buffets and have been banned from returning for 13 weeks. Q: Bad answer dude, what's the scoop on the leapfrog year thing? .-. .-. A: For starters it's "Leap Year" ( o )_( o ) with nothing else resembling a __ / '-' '-' \ __ frog (except his leap). The rule / / " \ \ basically goes that the name of | \ _____, / | any year that ends in a: "t", "o", jgs \ \`-._______.-'/ / or "x" will be a leap year (like _.-` /\) (/\ `-._ ninety six, ninety two, eighty (_ / / /.___.\ \ \ _) eight). You add a day (FEB 29th) (_.(_/ / (_ _) \ \_)._) in each "Leap Year". The practice (_(_)_) (_(_)_) allegedly got its start in Eastern Texas where the small town of Booger, Texas, had a law that made it a major crime to die "at any time during the year". A group of rebels got together and added a day (which wasn't part of the regular year) where you could die legally. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'