_______ _ |__ __| | February 8, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Across the Andes by Frog .' \ ( , ) In 1971, a plucky Dane, Knud Svenson, became the first '--' '-' man to attempt to cross the Andes by frog. Svenson had already attempted (and failed) to sail round the world on a rabbit, and his attempt to cross Spitzbergen on an halibut proved spectacularly unsuccessful in 1958. What follows is Svenson's personal account of one of the most arduous journeys ever attempted. Iquique, Jan. 19 - Expedition .-. .-. delayed by three days after the _ (o) )-"-( (o) _ frog was squashed when I sat on / \ __/'-' '-'\__ / \ it. We wait around in the sultry / \/ \ . . / \/ \ heat of this coastal town whilst / , / `----=----` \ , \ another frog is found. \ ( \ , `'-----'` , / ) / __> \ `\ \ _ _ / /` / <__ Iquique, Jan. 21 - A perfect \_ /^\_`\ \,`---`,/ /`_/^\ _/ day to set off. The sun- jgs /_/|_\ /||\ /||\ /_|\_\ shine was bright, but a strongest north-easterly wind kept us cool. The baggage porters had at last settled their differences over pay, and the forecast was good. However, as soon as I mounted the frog, I squashed it again. Oh, the frustrations! We must reach the Andean foothills by mid-February, or the vicious South American winter will set in. _ _ / \ / \ Iquique, Jan. 26 - I have tried mount _|_0/-\0_|_ -ing frogs without a saddle and even / " \ tried with my haversack, but they \'-._____.-'/ always squash as soon as I sit down on .--.'._ _.'.--. them. Have decided to try a different | \/ \/ | approach. I will walk and the frog can | / \ | carry the baggage. It will be hard ___\ / / \ \ /___ work, especially in the mountains, but \__ ( \__ __/ ) __/ I would rather suffer some discomfort /__ |\ _/_ /| __\ than give up now. jgs |_/ /_/\_\ /_/\_\ \_| Iquique, Jan. 27 - The frog has proved incapable of carrying even the lightest hold-all. Seven or eight were squashed in succession last night while we were trying to load up. Iquique, Jan. 28 - Today, at last, we set out from the main square here in Iquique, on the 500-mile journey to Santa Cruz in Bolivia. The frog, unladen by any baggage, set a furious pace, and we lost it through a hole in the wall not ten yards from where we started. _ _ (o)-(o) Iquique, Feb. 6 - The days pass by in a long frus- .-( " )-. trating week, whilst we design a special frog harn- / /`'-=-'`\ \ ess. The Andean winter gets closer as every day __\ _\ \___/ /_ /__ goes by. Conditions in the mountains could be hell. /| /|\ /|\ |\ Iquique, Feb. 7 - The frogs are so slippery that any harness is almost impossible to fit. They are sending to Belgium for a specialist. Iquique, March 30 - At last, the Belgian specialist has arrived. He says that frogs are totally unsuitable for this type of journey. The man is a complete fraud. We refuse to pay his return fare. _ _ (|)--(|) Iquique, March 31 - Wake up with a huge .-./` .. `\.-. Malaysian Leper Frog at my throat. The / | .__ __. | \ Belgian specialist eventually calls it | \ `` / | off, after we promise to pay his fare \ / ` -- ` \ / back. \| |/ ,---'\ \ / /'---, Iquique, March 32 - Decide to set off jgs \.-'`/=|=\'--'/=|=\`-._/ with frog in a box. The weather holds out, and we make good progress. We reach the outskirts of Pozo almonte before I discover someone has let the frog out of the box. Pozo Almonte, March 33 - I am beginning to have suspicions about my Chilean calendar. . ' ' . . ' ' . Pozo Almonte, March 34 - Success. () .' I discover a frog in my lunch, `() so I put him in the box __ __ and set out again. /`\ .( o)-( o). /`\ / , \( _______ )/ , \ ___/ /_\ /`"-------"`\ /_\ \___ jgs`~//^\~_`\ <__ __> /`_~/^\\~` `~//^\\~`~//^\\~` Iquique, March 35 - I misread the map. Simple mistake. Bump into the Belgian specialist in the street. He hits me with a South American Singing Toad, which he was taking to the vet. I report him to the RSPCA. Iquique, March 35 - RSPCA man arrives from London. He says he has called about a matter of sixteen frogs squashed while under my care. Iquique, March 37 - How the frogs have let me down, making a mockery of the oft-repeated maxim: "a man's best friend is his frog". Decide to take up a new challenge with a more reliable creature. Decide to attempt the first crossing of the Skaggerak by maggot. ,_,-.--.--. London, March 43 - So my Chilean calendar was right. (")__)__)__) It really is March 43rd. jgs ^ "" "" "" _ .-. / \ _ ^^ / \ /^./\__ _/ \ _ .--'\/\_ \__/. \ / \ ^^ ___ / \_ _/ ^ \/ __ :' /\/\ /\ __/ \ / \ / .' _/ / \ ^ / \/ \/ .`'\_/\ /\/\ /\/ :' __ ^/ ^/ `--./.' ^ `-.\ _ _:\ _ / \/ \ _/ \-' __/.' ^ _ \_ .'\ _/ \ . __/ \ /\ .- `. \/ \ / -. _/ \ -. `_/ \ / `._/ ^ \ / `-.__ ^ / .-'.--' . / `--./ .-' `-. `-. `. - `. @/ `. / / `-. / .-' / . .' \ \ \ .- \% @(88%@)@%% @)&@&(88&@.-_=_-=_-=_-=_-=_.8@% &@&&8(8%@%8)(8@%8 8%@)% @88:::&(&8&&8::JGS:&`.~-_~~-~~_~-~_~-~~=.'@(&%::::%@8&8)::&#@8:::: `::::::8%@@%:::::@%&8:`.=~~-.~~-.~~=..~'8::::::::&@8:::::&8::::::' `::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________ |.---------.| God Reveals DNA Secrets || || || || For many years molecular biologists have || || been mystified by the fact that very little |'---------'| of an organism's DNA seems to serve any `)__ ____(' useful function. Last night God revealed [=== -- o ]--. the mystery by posting the code on a warez __'---------'__ \ site. I am just posting the first segment jgs [::::::::::: :::] ) of a 98898 segment file. The reason why `""'"""""'""""`/T\ only 30% of human DNA performs any useful \_/ function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows: === /* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit * messy --will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code * from elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin color * made darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' * teeth Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high * population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in * centra of CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male #define HEIGHT 1.84 #define MASS 68 #define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h" #include "father.h" #infndef FATHER #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n") #include "bastard.h" #endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */ #include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a * proper library sometime soon. */ struct genitals { #ifdef MALE Penis *jt; #endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */ #ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p; #endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */ DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the * organism to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */ Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i); === ...and so on. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , The First Winter /:\ >:< The first settlers of North America were very >:< anxious at the approach of winter. This >:< season was unlike anything they had ever lived ,,,,,\:/ before in Europe. After a few trials and a lot ######### of errors, they realized that having more than //////\\\\\ enough wood to burn in the stove or chimney was // /_\ /_\ \\ important. So, our newly settled settler cut \( 0 _ 0 )/ down a few trees in logs but was wondering if /\\= _\ =//\ it was enough. He asked the old Indian wise \\/\ --- /\// man if the winter would be long. He replied //\ '---' /\\ that it would be fairly long. \// \\/ /\\ //\ So our hero cuts down a few more trees in logs \\/ \// to increase his reserve of wood. He went back # # to the old Indian wise man and asked him if the jgs " " winter would be long. The Indian replied that it would be quite long. Panicky, the settler chopped down half of his wooden lot, working day and night, and made up a huge pile of logs to burn. He returned to see the old Indian wise man and asked him if the winter was going to be long. He replied that the coming winter would be very very long indeed! 'But how can you make such predictions?' asked the settler. 'White man cuts very much wood' replied the Indian... _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.---,._,' The Mournful Man... /' _.--.< /' `' A friend reminded me about the time he was putting /' _.---._____ flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed \.' ___, .-'` a man, very distraught, in front /' \\ . of a tombstone several yards away. /' `-. -|- The man was on his knees, hands | | tightly clasped in front of him, | .-'~~~`-. rocking back and forth, head tilted | .' `. upward to heaven, tears streaming | | R I P | down his cheeks, moaning softly, | | | "Why did you die? Why did you die?" jgs | | | Over and over again. \ \\| |// ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Again and again. Cal gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there, is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Like The Doggies Do... /-. / _> A couple was having trouble conceiving a child. /` / /-. They went to the doctor, and he told them that , / ((___/ __> the problem was one of insufficient penetration. \/` / } He told the man to do it doggie fashion. \ /'\ .--.( \\ \\ \\ The man said, "What is that?" The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs, and do like they do." The man said, "My wife is very shy, and she won't do that." The doctor replied, "Give her a cocktail or two, and she will lose her inhibitions." A year later while walking in the Mall, the doctor met the man pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said. "Yes it did Doc, but the problem is... my wife is now an alcoholic!" "How did that happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, every time we got ready to do it, it'd take seven or eight drinks just to get her out to the front yard." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) $ ,$$$$$, The following is the actual Mission Statement of the ,$$$'$`$$$ Internal Revenue Service taken from the United States $$$ $ ` Department of Treasury Publication 594. At least the '$$$,$ IRS has a sense of humor. '$$$$, '$$$$, "The purpose of the Internal Revenue Service is to $ $$$, collect the proper amount of tax revenue at the , $ $$$ least cost; serve the public by continually improving $$$,$.$$$' the quality of our products and services; and perform '$$$$$' in a manner warranting the highest degree of public $ confidence in our integrity, efficiency and fairness." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'