_______ _ |__ __| | March 1, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Cat Test .' \ ( , ) To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, '--' '-' Algozzine, Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door; (3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discrimin- ations between sub classifications of emotional disturbance. They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results. 1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, /\ /\ meticulous piles of fur to be found |`\\_,--="=--,_//`| in the corners of room - cat alive, \ ." :'. .': ". / but cold. ==) _ : ' : _ (== |>/O\ _ /O\<| 2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - | \-"~` _ `~"-/ | fur scattered randomly >|`===. \_/ .===`|< about room and on testee - jgs .-"-. \===' | '===/ .-"-. cat alive, still cold. ---{'. '`}---\, .-'-. ,/---{.'. '}--- `"---"` `~-===-~` `"---"` 3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated. 3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect. 4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in center of room. 5. PSYCHOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated. 6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused. 7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused. 8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive, confused, and sexually aroused. /\__ .--.----' - \ / ) \___/ | '------.___) _ jgs `---------` _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The following is a handy guide to insure success in job placement: Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. |\ /| || _______________ || ||___ '=::=======::-' ___|| | __ | || || | __ | jgs ||==|| || || ||==|| "" "" "" "" "" "" If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Tech. Docs. team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The attractive young governess, with her small charge in tow, left the park to visit her boy friend at his apartment. The couple embraced fondly and longed for intimacy, but there seemed to be little they could do with the child watching. Then the governess hit upon an idea. _ _(_)_ "Tommy," she said to her small charge, (_)o(_) "go look out that window and I will give you .-="=-. /(_) a dime for every hat you see!" / \ .[>o<]====|-. Delighted with the new game, Tommy ran to the ( `"""""""` ) window and stared intently at the passersbys jgs `~~~~~~~~~~~` below. Almost a minute passed before Tommy's voice popped up with "I see a red hat!" "That's nice," came the governess' muffled reply through the open bedroom door. "There's another one!" said the boy a short time later. "Keep counting," the woman managed to say. "Oh, governess," Tommy exclaimed suddenly. "What now?" she asked, breathing heavily. "I just wanted to tell you that this is going to be the most expensive roll in the hay you've ever had, 'cause here comes a Shriners Parade!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /\ /\ A Scotsman went to a pub with / \---._ his Great Dane and when he / / ` `\ arrived, he tied the dog \ \ `'<@)@) up outside and went in /` ~ ~._ to have a pint o'bitter. / `() / \ (` ,_.:. / A few minutes later, / ~ `\ (vVvvvvV another Scottish / |`\_ `^^^/ bloke walked in ___/________|_ `---' and the following (_____R_E_X____) _ conversation ensued: _/~ | `(_) _/~ \ Second man: Is that _/~ | your dog outside? _/~ | First man: Aye. What _/~ | of it? _/~ ~. | _/~ \ /\ Second man: Well, I __/~ /`\ `|| think my dog may'a _/~ ~~-._ /~ \ || killed 'em. /~ ~./~' \ |) / ~. \ )| First man, stunned: / : | || What kind'a dog you jgs | : | || got that can kill a | .' | || Great Dane? __.-` __.'--. | |`---. .-~ ___. __.--~`--.)))) | `---.))) Second man: Well, `---~~ `-...--.________))))) \_____))))) e's a Chihuahua. First man: Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane? Second man: Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /`\ .-""-. General Halftrack called down to the motor \ | / \ pool. A sleepy voice answered, "Hullo." / / | | General Halftrack said, "How many vehicles / / \ _.' in the motor pool?" The sleepy voice said, \ `----.' '._ /`\ "Hold on." After a few minutes, he came `--. \ \ | back on and said, "There's 7 Jeeps, 3 one / /\ \ / / and a half ton trucks, and 2 staff cars for / / \ ` / the fat-ass generals." General Halftrack | /__ `--' was upset by this and said, "Do you know who | _ `\ this is?" Sleepy voice said, "No." General \ \`--. | Halftrack said, "This is General Halftrack!" / / | | Dead silence for about 5 seconds. Then the / / | \ sleepy voice asked, "Do you know who this jgs \ \ \__| is?" General Halftrack says, "No." Sleepy \_/ voice replies, "Goodbye, Fat-ass!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. 'It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do"? "We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes, pizza, and cookies." "Is that going to help me?" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door." _,._ __.-` `"""-. ..--' `"-. `)_,._ (` )--.-"``` `"-. '-----------' ( ) jgs `-------------` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two Ladies and a Condom Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What is that your putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms. He asked her, "what size do you want? The old lady thought for a moment and said, "one that will fit a Camel." ) ( _ ___________ ) [_[___________# _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .{{}}}}}}. Sadie comes home from the doctor with a sad {{{{{}}}}}}}. expression on her face. Her husband Sam {{{{ {{{{{}}}} says, "What's the matter, Sadie?" }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ }}}} a a }}}} "Well, I haven't been feeling so good, so I {{{{{ ^ ' {{{{ went to the doctor, and he said that I need }}}}}}\ .=. /}}}}} to have sex 7 nights a week to feel better." {{{{{{{;.___.;}}}}}} '{{{{{{) (}}}}}}' "Oh," says Sam, "Great, put me down for jgs `""'"': :'"'"'` Tuesdays and Thursdays!" `@` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ ()'`; The factory of the future will have two employees, /\|` a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the / | dog and the dog is there to keep the man from jgs (/_)_|_ touching the computers. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'