_______ _ |__ __| | April 5, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Ultimate Spam .' \ ( , ) Hi, even though I use a man's name online, I'm really a '--' '-' collective of between 15 and 20 fabulously attractive young woman all of whom are seriously interested in fetish culture, modelling, and hot phone sex, we also give psychic readings, and have a sure fire method where you can earn between $15,000 and $900,000, no, make that $100,000 every week, all in the comfort of your own dirt laden hovel. ___________ |.---------.| This is a chain letter, if you @)___||_ ||_______ do not send it to at least {8*8888*888{______} spam ||_______> 45,000, no, make that 75,000 @) ||_________|| people at random, you will die `----)-(----` like in the next 5, no make that ____[=== o]___ 3 minutes. |::::::::::::::|\ ,;;;, jgs `-============-`() ()))))) ((((((( Although we really don't like phone sex, ))))))) because that's something which really .----'((((((('----. classy women who advertise on the internet (| ))))) |) don't do, we'd be willing to do it for you. '-..' ((( : '..-' You can call us yourself and experience all | : ) : | the hot chat you want, for just $5, no, | : : -| make that $45 every 15 seconds. Or you | : : -| could just give us your Visa card number, | : -| and we will give you incredibly hot chat | : : -| until we finish accessing your account. |_____________| | | | Our web site has our portfolio on it, and |_|_| if you have any questions about the photo- (_I_) graphs, we will be happy to answer them. jgs Y Y Remember they may look like poorly scanned photographs from Playboy, but that was the artistic "look" that we were trying to achieve. We are not into S&M, but we know you probably are, so that's OK with us. We know you are probably very lonely and desperate, but that's fine. Lonely men with poor grooming habits who don't go out much really turn us on, until we finish accessing your account. .---. But our real love is the mystical world. How many (_,/\ \ times have you said to yourself, "I'd really love (`* *( ) to get ambiguous, unverifiable advice from a total ) \= ) ( stranger over the telephone, for only $97, no make (.--' '--.) that $142 every 5, no make that 3 milliseconds." / (_)^(_) \ We guarantee that if you are willing to believe | / \ / \ | what we tell you, your life will take a turn in a \\ / . \ // very surprising direction. \/\___/\/ | \_/ | And of course we have hundreds of opportunities to \ / / earn BIG BUCKS at home in your spare time, for no \/ / more of an investment than it would cost to purchase ( ( a Rolls Royce, no make that two Rolls Royces, because |\ \ our legal fees have gone way up due to those 84, no jgs | \ \ make that 111, fraud suits against us. /_Y/_Y If you are interested in any of these great opportunities call us at 1-800-IM-STUPID. That number, again is 1-800-IM-STUPID, no, make that 1-800-IM-INCREDIBLY-STUPID, and remember, mention your checking account number, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, 5 minutes of hot phone sex with a person claiming to be a woman. Or, check us out on the web at... HTTP://www.lots.of.free.sex/no.really/its.not.a.con.game/honestly .----------------. ...for the absolute best in racy girlie / _H______H_ \@, pics which probably won't get you thrown \____/ \____/ @, in jail anytime within the next fifteen / \ `@ minutes. | LI LI LI | ,@ | LI LI LI | ,@' For more information about the mystic | LI LI LI | ,@' world of hot pics and conversation | LI LI LI |@@' while earning millions of dollars at jgs \ /' home, please check us out. `----------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) 0_ How To Become A Better Liar \`. ___ \ \ / __>0 It's Easy! /\ / |/' / / \/ ` ,`'--. Just follow these 12 steps. / /(___________)_ \ |/ //.-. .-.\\ \ \ 0 // :@ ___ @: \\ \/ 1) First of all, minimize your lies. ( o ^(___)^ o ) 0 If you lie all the time, people will \ \_______/ / never believe you. '._______.' jgs 2) Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying. 3) Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G".....you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money. 4) Emphasize each word (e.g. I...SWEAR...TO...gOD!!!!) 5) Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you. 6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this." Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not. 7) Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter. 8) Never stutter! 9) Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average. 10) Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character. 11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!! 12) Try going to law school. You can make good money, too! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf. After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 3 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with three bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" _...._ .'.o' o.'. "No problem," she replied. When she pulled the /o o .o' o'\ keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as |'.o 'o. o'.o| well and fell to the ground. She bent over and |o. o' o 'o .| picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the \ o .o.'o'./ palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked '._o__o_.' the man, "Gee, what are these for?" \ / || He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in || the air while I'm driving." To which she || commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of || everything." || _ _ jgs || (_'--------------------------------------------'_) \/ (_.============================================._) _ /^\ NASA decides to send the first manned mission to Mars. |-| After months of training they pick the astronaut to do | | the mission. The astronauts name was Dick. The night |N| before take off he absolutely craps himself. He tells |A| his wife that he is so frightened that there is no way |S| he is going on the mission. The wife calms him down |A| and says to him, "Don't worry Dick, I'll go in your /| |\ place". / | | \ jgs | | | | Somehow she manages to sneak past the mission `-"""-` attendants without any one realizing that "HE" is really a "SHE" and gets into the rocket. 30 seconds after take off the rocket explodes and crashes into the sea. A rescue mission is sent out and miraculously they find the still alive but unconscious body of the female astronaut. Two days later she starts coming round in hospital and she can feel a pair of doctors hands pummeling away at her tits. "Dick, Dick where's my Dick", she cries. The doctor says, "Never mind about your dick we are still trying to get your buttocks back in place". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (,_ ,_, _,) Three Pastors in the South were having /|\`-._( )_.-'/|\ lunch in a diner. / | \`'-/ \-'`/ | \ / |_.'-.\ /.-'._| \ One said "You know, since summer jgs /_.-' " `-._\ started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away." (,_ ,_, _,) Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds /|\`-._( )_.-'/|\ living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. / | \`-'/ \'-`/ | \ I've even had the place fumigated /__|.-'`-\ /-`'-.|__\ and they won't go away." jgs ` " ` The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." ,:',:`,:' "Good," said the captain, "you pray __||_||_||_||__ while the rest of us put on our ____["""""""""""""""]___ life jackets-we're one short." \ " ''''''''''''''''''' | ~~jgs~^~^~^^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~~^~^^~~^~^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'