_______ _ |__ __| | May 3, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta) .' \ ( , ) Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all- '--' '-' around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for __ Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. __/ \ / \-./ "The idea came to me the other day when \_ 66\_ a homeless man asked me for money," re- \ ____)o calls Gates. "I suddenly realized that )_(_________ we were missing a golden opportunity. .-. /| W I L L | Here was a chance to make a profit (_/ \ / | W O R K () without any initial monetary investment. | \ \ F O R | Naturally, this man then became my \ \_)C A C H E | competition, so I had my limo driver '-'/`\"\""""""` run over him several times." / / \ \/^) ( \ \ / Microsoft engineers have been working around the \__) "` jgs clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines ask- ing you for money." Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,,, _,_ _@_ _(_ _?_ >*< _/. .\_ _/- -\_ _/, ,\_ _/' '\_ _/a a\_ _/. .\_ (.\_o_/.) (.\_-_/.) (,\_e_/') (.\_^_/.) (.\_~_/') (.\_c_/.) (.`,.`'.') (.`,.'.'.) (.`'.,'.') ('.,'.`'.) (.'.,'.`.) (.,'.,'',) ('.`,'`,) ('.`,'',) ('.','.`) ('.,'.',) ('.,'.`.) (',.'`.,) ('.`,'`) ('.','`) (.'.,'.) ('.`.,') ('.','') (.'.'.') jgs `--'"` `--'"` `--'"` `--'"' `--'"' `--'"' Dear Doctor, I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are abso- lutely useless. After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha. My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way. Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious. I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby. My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw. The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex-life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead. Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it... another child resulted. You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing. Yours faithfully, Mickey Pullem ,,, _,_ _@_ _(_ _?_ >*< _/. .\_ _/- -\_ _/, ,\_ _/' '\_ _/a a\_ _/. .\_ (.\_o_/.) (.\_-_/.) (,\_e_/') (.\_^_/.) (.\_~_/') (.\_c_/.) (.`,.`'.') (.`,.'.'.) (.`'.,'.') ('.,'.`'.) (.'.,'.`.) (.,'.,'',) ('.`,'`,) ('.`,'',) ('.','.`) ('.,'.',) ('.,'.`.) (',.'`.,) ('.`,'`) ('.','`) (.'.,'.) ('.`.,') ('.','') (.'.'.') jgs `--'"` `--'"` `--'"` `--'"' `--'"' `--'"' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" He said "Why shouldn't I?". I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist church of god or Baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of god, or are you reformed Baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of god, reform- ation of 1879, or reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. ^^ ^^ .. .. [] [] .:[]:_ ^^ ,:[]:. .: :[]: :-. ,-: :[]: :. .: : :[]: : :`._ ,.': : :[]: : :. .: : : :[]: : : : :-._ _,-: : : : :[]: : : :. _..: : : : :[]: : : : : : :-._________.-: : : : : : :[]: : : : :-._ _:_:_:_:_:_:[]:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:_:[]:_:_:_:_:_:_ !!!!!!!!!!!![]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![]!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^[]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[]^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [] [] [] [] [] [] ~~^-~^_~^~/ \~^-~^~_~^-~_^~-^~_^~~-^~_~^~-~_~-^~_^/ \~^-~_~^-~~- ~ _~~- ~^-^~-^~~- ^~_^-^~~_ -~^_ -~_-~~^- _~~_~-^_ ~^-^~~-_^-~ ~^ ~ ^- _~~_- ~~ _ ~ ^~ - ~~^ _ - ^~- ~ _ ~~^ - ~_ - ~^_~ ~- ^_ ~^ - ^~ _ - ~^~ _ _~^~- _ ~~^ - _ ~ - _ ~~^ - jgs ~^ -_ ~^^ -_ ~ _ - _ ~^~- _~ -_ ~- _ ~^ _ - ~ ^- ~^~ - _ ^ - ~~~ _ - _ ~-^ ~ __- ~_ - ~ ~^_- ~ ~- ^~ - ~^ - ~ ^~ - ~~ ^~ - ~ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Nude Sunbathing | \ ' / Unable to find a man who liked to sunbathe in ' .-=-. ' the nude, Bridgette took out a personal ad. -= = ( ) = =- For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, . '-=-' . but he was desperate for a woman and replied. / . \ Bridgette invited him to her home, and they | jgs spent a long day in her fenced-in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long. He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis. .-'''''-. Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the |'-----'| coldest thing in the house; all he could find in the |-.....-| refrigerator was a carton of milk and, pouring some | | in a glass, he dipped his penis in. | | | | Just then, Bridgette strolled in. Seeing Sylvester | | with his penis in the milk, she slapped her forehead jgs | | and marveled, "So that's how you load that thing!" `'-----'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. (_---_) A Clean Dirty Joke... (_/6 6\_) ( v ) An elderly lady and a young man are waiting `\ /' at the bus stop. The bus is very late, and .-'': ;``-. they begin talking. "Oh, you're such a nice / \,Y./ \ young man. Let me tell you a nice joke." / (:)___ \ So she tells a very clean joke about a dog : .-'XXX`-.`\_; and cat. "Do you have any jokes?" she asks. `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ jgs / / XXX \ \ `\_ "Well, only one, but it's really / XXX \ `\ DIRTY." / XXX \ _`\___ / \ (`--"""-') "Oh, no, I can't stand filthy / \ (=-=-=-=-) language!" `--...___ ___...--' (________) ``` "Well, what if for every dirty "Well...OK" word I substitute 'ta-dum'?" "All right, here goes." He thinks for a moment, then begins. "Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum,tadum, Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum. Ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum,ta-dum, Ta-dum,ta-dum, FUCK." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two friends were standing at a bus _.-~"~-. stop when one gave a big sigh and ;`a) ) `\ said, "I wish I had enough money to \-./_ / |~=-=--. buy an elephant." His companion `-._)_ | / ". looked at him in astonishment and _ //` `| `"~` \ said, "What on earth would you do \'-'/ .--' / / |\ with an elephant?" To which the `~` / ____/\ | / `" first guy replied, "Oh, I don't __/__/ | |`-...-\ | really want an elephant; but, if I / \ | | |`\ | had enough money to buy an elephant, |_____| /__| /__/__| jgs I'd get a car." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) sSSSSSs SS;; SSSS S< ?SSS S> SSS ___)(____ George came home one day, very excited. ( \/ ) \||, )( ( / ( "Do you know what they are saying?" he \\/ /\ / \ \ asked his wife Jean. "They say our \./ )==( / / janitor has slept with every woman in / \//' this building except for one!" ( '|\` \ / Jean responded "That must be that girl \ / from number 32, no one likes her." ) ( / \ jgs / \ / \ `-........-' / ) / ) /_/|/_/| _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,/ \, Deja Moo: ((__,-"""-,__)) `--)~ ~(--` The feeling that you've heard .-'( )`-, this bullshit before. `~~`d\ /b`~~` | | jgs (6___6) `---` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ _(9(9)__ __/^\/^\__ /o o \/_ __\_\_/\_/_/_ \___, \/_ _\.' './_ _/\_ `---`\ \/_ _\/ \/_ _|.'_/ \ \/_\/ / \/_ |/ / \ `-' | ';_:' / /| \ \ .' /_/ |,___.-`', /`'---` jgs /___/` /____/ Thesaurus: ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'