_______ _ |__ __| | May 24, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | How To Spot Aliens At Work .' \ ( , ) This article has been attributed to a number of different '--' '-' sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but apparently the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation. _ _ (_\ /_) Many Americans work side by side with space )) (( aliens who look human but you can spot these .-"""""""-. visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, /^\/ _. _. \/^\ say experts. \( /__\ /__\ )/ \, \o_/_\o_/ ,/ They listed 10 signs to watch for: \ (_) / `-.'==='.-' Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens __) - (__ don't fully understand the different styles, / `~~~` \ so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, / / \ \ such as checked pants with a striped shirt or \ : ; / a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," \|==(*)==|/ noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator : : and author. \ | / ___)=|=(___ Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space jgs {____/ \____} aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist. , , |\\\\ ////| Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens | \\\V/// | are constantly gathering information," said | |~~~| | Steiger. | |===| | | |u | | Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use | | f | | correction fluid to paint its nails," said \ | o| / Steiger. \|===|/ jgs '---' Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger. Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high- tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A young man was hired by a pharmaceutical company as a door-to-door surveyor. The company was interested in statistics involving birth control methods in order that it could remain competitive in the marketplace by addressing the needs of the consumer. The job was routine and uneventful until about two weeks into the job, when the young man arrived on the doorstep of a modest home in a nice neighborhood. He knocked on the door, and when it was answered he was taken aback by the woman who stood before him. My God, he thought, she must be seven feet tall! _,,,_ Striving to look professional, he composed .' `'. himself and began his lead-up to the / ____ \ survey. He arrived at the part where he | .'_ _\/ asked the woman to read over the list of / ) a a| birth control methods on the printed form, / ( > | and circle the one that she used most often. ( ) ._ / ) _/-.__.'`\ "It's not on here," she said. ( .-'`-. \__ ) `/ `-./ `. The surveyor asked what she meant. | \ \ \ jgs | \ \ \ \ "The method that my husband and I use, |\ `. / / \ it's not listed here," she repeated. The young man checked the page, thinking he had given her the wrong form. But it was the right one, listing every method of birth control known to modern man. "What method do you use, then?" he asked. "The bucket and saucer method," she responded matter-of-factly. He checked his notes one more time, and then asked if she would explain this method. ,.--'`````'--., She began, "I'm a very tall woman, as you've (\'-.,_____,.-'/) no doubt noticed. My husband is much shorter \\-.,_____,.-// than I, and he likes to have sex standing up. ;\\ //| So, during the act, he stands on an overturned | \\ ___ // | bucket. Then, all I have to do is watch his | '-[___]-' | eyes, and when they get as big as saucers, I | | kick the bucket out from under him." | | | | jgs `'-.,_____,.-'' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ', A police officer came upon a .-`-,\__ terrible wreck where the driver and ."` `, passenger had been killed. As he .'_. ._ `;. looked upon the wreckage a little __ / ` ` `.\ .--. monkey came out of the brush and /--,| 0) 0) )`_.-,) hopped around the crashed car. The | ;.-----.__ _-'); / officer looked down at the monkey '--./ `.`/ `"` and said "I wish you could talk." : '` |. The monkey looked up at the officer | \ / // and shook his head up and down. \ '---' /' "You can understand what I'm saying?" `------' \ asked the officer. Again, the monkey jgs/a:f _/ `--... shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes" motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing". "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. __ He, also being shy, thought for a minute _ /_ `\ and then said, "Well, that's what we had /`_`\ |/ `-.| so much fun with last night." ( / \ ) \^_^/ )\^_^/( __> <__ And she, in amazement, asked, (_.> <._) '-' `\ "Is that all we have left?" jgs / \_/ \ \ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the druggist and asks, "sir, can you tell me where the ribbed con- doms are?" The druggist replied... "son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "sure do' replied the boy,"they keep you from getting venereal diseases." "O.K." said the druggist, "do you know .-""""-. what the ribs are for??" ////||\\\\ |/ \| The little boy thought for a minute, then ( @ @ ) looked up at the druggist and replied... | C | "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make \ == / the hair on my goat's back stand up." `|--|` .--`\__/`--. / / / \ (\/_//`) / , , \ / '/ /`-./| |\.-'\ 0 0 \ / /` | | `\ \ / \ / /` | | `\ \ / __/ \ / / | | \ \ /, _/ \ \_ (/ | | | | \) `-./ ) | `^~^~^~^~^~^~^~\~. |_/ |______| \_| ( / \_} | | | / | |__|___| ; | \ / | | | \/ ,/ \ | | | | / /~~|~|~~~~~~|~|\ | ( ( | / / | | | | `\ \ | | | / / | | | | \ \ |==|==| / ( | | | | \ \ __| _|__| jgs /,_) /__) /__) /,_/ ( ( ) '''''"""""'''""""""'''""""""''"""""''''' """" ^ ^^^^`^^^^ ''' '' ' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .,.,.,.,.,.,. Clinton was walking around the white house [_ _] with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. | '-. .-' | \ \ / / Everyone was looking at him and wondering jgs '.__\_/__.' what he was doing now. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , , /(.-""-.)\ |\ \/ \/ /| The devil says to an attorney, "Okay, | \/ =. .= \/ | so I get to enslave the souls of your \( \ o\/o / )/ wife and three young daughters for an \_, '/ \' ,_/ eternity of hell in exchange for you / \__/ \ getting $100,000,000 in cash and \,___/\___,/ success in business." ___\ \|uu|/ /___ /` \ .--. / `\ The attorney says, "Okay, but what's jgs / '----' \ the catch?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're damn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "I just bit my tongue." ___ .-"` ``"-. .-"""-. / \ / \ | \ | | \ .-. ; \ |`\ | | | / | _ _ _ .--._/ / | \/ |/ ; .'` ` ` } --==< __.' / Y / / .'`"`"` '--' | ; (_/` / \ /\ / jgs '-.....-' `..____.-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \ =+===\===+= | | \ | | | | | | | | | Marionation: | ;%%% | | %\_/%| The act of steeping |\/ \\| a puppet in oils \/|__|\/ and herbs to make ( \ it more tender. \ \\ / // \_)) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'