_______ _ |__ __| | May 31, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Kiss The Ass of Hank .' \ ( , ) This morning there was a knock at my door. When I '--' '-' answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: .-=-. "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." ////"\\ .=. ( 6 6 ) Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come //"\\ \ - / kiss Hank's ass with us." (/6 6\) _.) (._ )\ = /(-` `:` `\ .. .. Me: "Pardon me?! _(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \ .' ` `. What are you talk- (_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ / .'_.-...-._`. ing about? Who's / (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ / `. .' Hank, and why would \ \)___(/ / |===|_) jgs `-...-' I want to kiss his ass?" \/`"""`\/ | L | | | | | | John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give | | | | | you a million dollars; and if you don't, |_____| | | | he'll kick the shit out of you." ||| | | | ||| | | | Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre ||| |_|_| mob shake-down?" jgs / Y \ / T \ `"`"` `"`"` ,#######, ######### John: "Hank is a billionaire philanth- ######### ropist. Hank built this town. Hank ######### owns this town. He can do what ever he '#######' wants, and what he wants is to give you .--' '--. a million dollars, but he can't until /` `\ you kiss his ass." / '-. : .-' \ .. .. / | : | \ Me: "That doesn't .' ` `. / /|.-- --.|\ \ make any sense." .'_.-...-._`. \ ( / . \ ) / `. .' \ \|jgs | |/ / Mary: "Who are you `-...-' jgs \ \_____|_____/ / to question Hank's (_[I===I===I==]_) gift? Don't you want a million dollars? |-|~~|:|~~|-| Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" | \__/:\__/ | {-_ -: _= } Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..." {_ /^\_ - } { -_ } { - _} John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us." {_ } {_ - } {____} {____} Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" (___) (___) Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..." Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?" John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town." Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?" Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it." Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank? John: "Hank has certain connections." Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game." John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you." Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..." Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank." Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?" John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." Me: "Who's Karl?" Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?" John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself." John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed: 1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2. Use alcohol in moderation. 3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4. Eat right. 5. Hank dictated this list himself. 6. The moon is made of green cheese. 7. Everything Hank says is right. 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9. Don't drink. 10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you. Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it." Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?" Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people." Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right." __ (__) Me: "How do you figure that?" <____> )--( Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right. /\/\/\ That's good enough for me!" /\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/ Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole /\/\/\/\ thing up." /\/\/\/\/\ .----------. John: "No way! Item 5 says Hank //\\//\\//\\ \~~~~~~~~~~/ dictated this list himself.' /\\//\\//\\//\ \/\/\/\/\/ Besides, item 2 says Use alcohol |\//\\//\\//\\/| \/\/\/\/ in moderation,' Item 4 says Eat |/\\//\\//\\//\| \/\/\/ right,' and item 8 says Wash your \/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ~||~ hands after going to the bathroom. \/\/\/\/\/\/ || Everyone knows those things are `---------' __||__ right, so the rest must be true, jgs `------' too." ___ .' _ '. Me: "But 9 says Don't Drink,' / /` `\ \ which doesn't quite go with | | [__] item 2, and 6 says The moon | | {{ is made of green cheese,' | | }} which is just plain wrong." _ | | _ {{ ___________<_>_| |_<_>}}________ John: "There's no contradiction .=======^=(___)=^={{====. between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies / .----------------}}---. \ 2. As far as 6 goes, you've / /| {{ |\ \ never been to the moon, so you / / | }} | \ \ can't say for sure." ( '=========================' ) jgs '-----------------------------' Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..." ______ \'/ Mary: "But they don't know if the .-'` . `'-. -= * =- rock came from the Earth, or from .' ' .---. '. /.\ out of space, so it could just as / ' .' `'. \ easily be green cheese." ; ' / \| : ' _ ; ` Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I ; : /(\ \ think the theory that the Moon came from | . '. the Earth has been discounted. Besides, | ' / --' not knowing where the rock came from | . '.__\ doesn't make it cheese." ; : / ; . | , John: "Aha! You just admitted that ; . \ /| scientists make mistakes, but we know \ . '. .'/ Hank is always right!" '. ' . `'---'`.' jgs `'-..._____.-` Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying Hank's right because he says he's right.'" John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?" Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." Me: "What if I don't have a bun?" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?" ______________ .-' `-. Mary looks positively stricken. John (____________________) shouts: "There's no need for such ( ) language! Condiments of any kind are jgs ( `----------------' ) wrong!" `------------------' Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time." Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ _ , __ __ __ __ __ -- -,_/\\_~0_\ ___ __ __ __ -- / ___ \- `___`"-, --- `"-( @ )----( @ )---` jgs '-' '-' ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , .--') Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarn- / / ation vowed that if either died, the other one | / remaining would try to contact the partner in the /`.\ (_.'\ other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As \ / luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man '--. .---' died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweet- jgs ( " ) heart tried to contact him in the spirit world '-' exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm." ,-.,-. \ \\ \ Martha was somewhat taken aback. \ \\_\ "Is that what heaven really is like?" / \ __| a a| "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha." /` `'. = y)= / `"`} "Well then where are you?" _| \ } { \ ), // "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona." '-', /__\ ( ( jgs (______)\_)_) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling" she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!" .--------. <<<<*>>>> .--------. / .-----. \ ,#####, / .-----. \ / /{{{{{{{`. \ #_ _# / .`}}} }}}\ \ / /{{ {{{ {{ ".\|6` `6|/."}} }}}} }}\ \ { {{ {{{ {{{{ {{;| u |;} }} }} }} }}} } { {{{{ {{{{ {{{{ \ = /}}} }} }} }}} } } { { {{{ {{{{{ {{{|\___/|} }} }} }}}} }} } { {{{ {{{ {{____/: :\____}}}}}} }}} } { {{{{.'"""`.-===-\ /-===-.`"""'.}} } } { {{{/ ""-.-"" \}}} } jgs \ \/' '\/ / _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'