_______ _ |__ __| | July 05, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Barbies from MATTEL .' \ ( , ) Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with '--' '-' jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken .-. a vow of silence. __| |__ [__ __] Rabbi Barbie: So, why not? Women rabbis are on the | | cutting edge in Judaism. Rabbi Barbie comes with tiny | | satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish jgs | | cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezuzah for doorway '-' of Barbie Townhouse. ,,,,, ////""\ . (((/ m m -|- __ )))c = ) | (__) ////-./~` . [] (((( `.`\ :: [] )))`\ \)).-;.' .------, [] (() `._.-'` _( )[] )/ `. | .'`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^))\`.----'`[] jgs ( \' { ~ - ~~ _ ~ - ~~ - ~ - (( | | [] .-.--\ \ { )) | | [] |_;_._`\ |{ ((__|_|-----[] | ; ``` ;{ )) [] | /``-.____/ `~~~[]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'-' [] `' (__) (__) Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken. Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hardworking and en- thusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envel- opes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated. Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand). Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes. Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials. .-. (/^\) Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie (\ /) with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake .-'-. blood and the ability to perform surgery on her- /(_I_)\ self in the Outback. \\) (// / \ Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective \ | / goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on \|/ union-organizing and pay scales for women as compar- /|\ ed to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons \|/ may be purchased separately for Barbies who are jgs /Y\ holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of atti- tude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" ,{{}}}, Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love {{/ \}} handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and }}}^.^{{{ voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuous- {{\ = /}} ness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature }}})-({{{ basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, /{{ \_/ ((\ tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's / ( ) \ ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt / /`\- -/`\ \ reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat", and, of course, \ \ )%O%( / / an appetite. `\\/ \//` (/ \) Mobile Home Park Barbie: Comes complete with | | hair in rollers and pregnant. Accessories | | include two toddlers. When you pull the | | string on her back she asks where her gov't / / / \ \ \ support check is. Some Mobile Home Barbies After | | | | come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they jgs |/ \| often give her surprise visits when they come / \ / \ into town. `-' '-` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Pictures From Camp .-------------------. /--"--.------.------/| A man at a nudist camp got a letter |Kodak|__Ll__| [==] || from his mom asking him for his | | .--. | """" || picture. Since the only pictures he | |( () )| || had were taken in the nude, he cut jgs | | `--' | |/ one in half and mailed her one from `-----'------'------' the waist up. His mom wrote back after receiving the photo and said, "Can Grandma have one, too?" The man thought, since Grandma can't see well, I'll give her the bottom half. So he sent it. After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, "Nice picture, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--------. <<<<*>>>> .--------. / .-----. \ ,#####, / .-----. \ / /{{{{{{{`. \ #_ _# / .`}}} }}}\ \ / /{{ {{{ {{ ".\|6` `6|/."}} }}}} }}\ \ { {{ {{{ {{{{ {{;| u |;} }} }} }} }}} } { {{{{ {{{{ {{{{ \ = /}}} }} }} }}} } } { { {{{ {{{{{ {{{|\___/|} }} }} }}}} }} } { {{{ {{{ {{____/: :\____}}}}}} }}} } { {{{{.'"""`.-===-\ /-===-.`"""'.}} } } { {{{/ ""-.-"" \}}} } jgs \ \/' '\/ / Mike and Jim had been friends for a lifetime. Growing old, they pro- mised each other that the first one to die, would try and come back to tell the other what the afterlife was like. Eventually, Jim dies and some weeks later, at night, Mike hears a familiar voice, calling him, "Mike, Mike!" "Is that you, Jim?", he answers. "Yes it's me, and I want to let you know that the afterlife is fantas- tic. I am having sex non-stop, with a wide variety of partners and never get tired." "That's sounds great, Jim", says Mike, "I would have never thought that Heaven was like that." "I'm not in Heaven, Mike", replies Jim. \\ "Are you in Hell??!?" \\_ \\ (') \\_ "No, Mike, I'm not in Hell either. jgs / )=.---(') I'm re-incarnated as a rabbit!" o( )o( )_-\_ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) == == <^\()/^> <^\()/^> \/ \/ \/ \/ /__\ . ' . /__\ == /\ . | . /\ == <^\()/^> !_\/ ' | ' \/_! <^\()/^> \/ \/ !_/I_|| . ' \'/ ' . ||_I\_! \/ \/ /__\ /I_/| || -== + ==- || |\_I\ /__\ /_ \ !//| | || ' . /.\ . ' || | |\\! /_ \ (- ) /I/ | | || . | . || | | \I\ (= ) \__/!//| | | || ' | ' || | | |\\!\__/ / \I/ | | | || ' . ' * || | | | \I/ \ {_ __} | | | || || | | | {____} _!__|= || | | | || * + || | | | || |__!_ _I__| ||__|__|__|_|| A ||_|__|__|__||- |__I_ -|--|- ||--|--|--|-|| __/_\__ * ||-|--|--|--||= |--|- | | || | | | || /\-'o'-/\ || | | | || | | | |= || | | | || _||:<_>:||_ || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || * /\_/=====\_/\ * || | | | ||= | | | |- || | | | || __|:_:_[I]_:_:|__ || | | | ||- | | _|__| ||__|__|__|_||:::::::::::::::::::::||_|__|__|__|| |__|_ -|--|= ||--|--|--|-||:::::::::::::::::::::||-|--|--|--||- |--|- jgs|- || | | | ||:::::::::::::::::::::|| | | | ||= | | ~~~~~~~~~^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~~~~~~~~~ 3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?", they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key." .--. / .-.'-----------, \ '-'.-._.-'\_\_/ '--'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _._ /` `\ _._ There was a young man in the .' '. | | .' '. Air Force who was so well , / '.\ /.' \ , endowed that it was bothering \`--' .. .-.> <.-. .. '--`/ his knee. Three Air Force doc- '.__.' '._/ ^ ) ( ^ \_.' '.__.' tors and one Air Force nurse | |`| |`| | were in the operating room to \ \ | | / / remedy the situation. '. '; ;' .' '. ' .' The first doctor said, "We'll just take / /` \ a big hunk off the end." They discussed | | | | it and decided that it would affect his \ \ / / sensitivity. '.'.' jgs / / \ The second doctor said, "We'll just take / / \ \ a big hunk out of the middle of it." | /| |\ | They discussed it and decided that it \/ | | \/ would change the texture and feel of it. \_/ The third doctor said, "We`ll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running done her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can`t we just make his legs longer?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'