_______ _ |__ __| | August 16, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The Creation of Pets .' \ ( , ) It is reported that the following edition of the Book of '--' '-' Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If au- thentic, it would shed light on the question... _,,_ And Adam said, "Lord, /` `\ "Where do pets come from?" when I was in the / / 6 6\ \ garden, you walked with \/\ Y /\/ /\-/\ me everyday. Now I do / `'^` \ /a a \ _ not see you anymore. I , ( \ | \ =\ Y =/-~~~~~~-,_____/ ) am lonesome here and it |\|\_/ \_/ '^--' ______/ is difficult for me to \/'. \ /'\ \ / remember how much you \ /=\ / || |---'\ \ love me." jgs /____)/____) (_(__| ((__| And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new compan- ion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I _,=.=,_ have created this new animal to be a ,'=. `\___, reflection of my love for you, his name / \ (0 | will be a reflection of my own name, / \ ___/ and you will call him DOG." | | \) ', _/ .--' And Dog lived with Adam and was a com- `"`; ( panion to him and loved him. And Adam [[[[]]_..,_ was comforted. And God was pleased. / .--""``\\ And Dog was content and wagged his tail. .' .\,,|| ( .' -""`| `""` After a while, it came to pass that |\ / __| Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord \| .-' `\ and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled \ _ | with pride. He struts and preens like a jgs ( .-' ) peacock and he believes he is worthy of `""""""""""""` adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught And the Lord said, "No him humility." problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. _ // And Adam learned humility. || |\_/| \\ .-""""-._.' - -( And God was pleased. \\/ \ =_T/= \ \ /`"` And Adam was greatly improved. \ | / | / / -\ / And Cat did not care one way or `\ \\ | || the other. jgs \_)) |_)) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET: Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet ____ | _ \ NEW YORK -- A spokesperson for the letter D announced | | \ \ Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from | | | | Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop | |_/ / announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the |____/ show's cast. "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show." _ | | Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and __| | applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the / | letter. | () | \__._| The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street August 24, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other spon- sors have pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision. Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the pop- ulation that employs the letter frequently. "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users." While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song. _ _ Sesame Street is stung by the sudden _/0\/ \_ departure of its longtime supporter. .-. .-` \_/\0/ '-. Speaking to reporters, cast member /:::\ / ,_________, \ Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed /\:::/ \ '. (:::/ `'-; letter D choose to end relationship \ `-'`\ '._ `"'"'\__ \ with Sesame Street due to pressure `'-. \ `)-=-=( `, | from extremely vocal minority. We jgs \ `-"` `"-` / accused of endorsing deviant life- style. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That good enough for me." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED .--. A young priest gets up in the morning and /.''.\ goes to breakfast. On his way there two || \_) nuns look at him and he says, "Good morn- /^\ '.'--, ing sisters" and they reply in a sing .'_|_'. `() song manner, "You got up on the wrong < | > || side of the bed this morning." \_____/ || {/a a\} || This stuns the priest who thought he had {/-.^.-\} (_| been very polite but he just goes on. He .'{ ` }'-._/|;\ encounters a Brother a little while later / { } /; || | along the way and he says, "Good morning /`'-{ }-'; || | Brother." The Brother replies in a sing ; `'=|{ }|=' _/|| | song voice, "You got up on the wrong side | \| |~| | |/ || | of the bed this morning." The priest |\ \ | | | ; || | looks confused at all this but goes on. | \ ||=| |=<\ || | | /\_/\| | | \`-||_/ He gets a little farther and he comes '-| `;'| | | | || across a fellow priest and he says, "Good jgs | | | | | | || morning Father." The priest replies in a | |+| |+| | || sing song manner, "You got up on the | """ """ | || wrong side of the bed this morning." |_ _ _ _ _ _| || |,;,;,;,;,;,| || Now the priest was mad. He continues his `|||||||||||` || walk to the dinning hall not saying a ||||||||||| || word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and `"""""""""` "" says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , |\ __ | | |--| __ |/ | | |~' /|_ () () | //| \ |\ () Jerry is hired to play his | \|_ | | \ trumpet on the score of a jgs \_|_/ () | movie, and he's excited. He's | | especially thrilled because he @' () gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finish- ed product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to see our dog." =.___ / e'--, '===.--.-------' .---' /\ )_ /______ .-' _; / '-.__\ \------` /.-'/ .-' `\\ ;` \( \\ _ jgs `" `" _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ /\.../\ __|>: :<|__ (__|>: :<|__) An elderly woman decided to have her portrait |>: :<| painted... She told the artist... "Paint me with jgs \/'''\/ diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald ^^^^^ bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ __ /\../\ __ /\../\ __ /\../\ __ /\../\ __ /\../\ __ (__|>: :<|__|>: :<|__|>: :<|__|>: :<|__|>: :<|__) jgs \/''\/ \/''\/ \/''\/ \/''\/ \/''\/ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ "But you are not wearing any of those things." _______ "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die .'_/_|_\_'. before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right \`\ | /`/ away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking `\\ | //' for the jewelry." jgs `\|/` _ _ ` (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ /| |||| .-"` `"-. } | __ |||| |||| .' .-'`'-. '. } | / \ A man and his wife are |||| \ / / ./```\ '. \ } | ;(); visiting Mexico and go \ / || / ;| | OoO; \ \| \ / to the local restaurant || || | ; \___/ oOoO ; | || || for dinner. They can't %% %% | ; / \ `Oo ; | %% %% seen to decide on what %% %% \ ; | | ; / %% %% to have so they spend a %% %% \ '.\___/ .' / %% %% lot of time looking %% %% '. `-.,.-' .' %% %% over the menu. While jgs %% %% '-.,___,.-' %% %% they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters and with much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish. The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about and the waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight. The man and his wife ask for the same dish and the waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight, however, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night and that makes the couple happy. They return the next day and await the feast. There is the trumpet fanfare, and the big procession and all the hoop-de-do and they set the platter down and uncover it only to reveal two rather small morsels. When the man asks the waiter, "what gives, yesterday's were ,/ \, so much larger?" ((__,-"""-,__)) `--)~ ~(--` To which the waiter replies, .-'( )`-, "Well senor, you must understand, `~~`d\ /b`~~` some days the bull wins." | | jgs (6___6) `---` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'