_______ _ |__ __| | August 23, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit... .' \ ( , ) The question has long been pondered: how many generic '--' '-' chickens would fit into a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, _ so I decided to work out this problem, for .-. .--''` ) the benefit of all humanity. _ | |/` .-'` ( `\ /` I. It has been proven successfully that _) _. -'._ chickens have a definite wave-like /` .' .-.-; nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's `).' / \ \ famous double-slit experiment of 1801, (`, \_o/_o/__ Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that / .-''` ``'-. chickens not only diffract, but produce { /` ,___.--''` interference patterns as { ; '-. \ \ well. (This experiment _ _ { |'-....-`'.\_\ is fully documented / './ '. \ \ `"` in Sir Kenneth's _ \ \ | \ \ famous treatise ( '-.J \_..----.._ __) `\--..__ "Tossing Chickens .-` ` `\ ''--...--. Through Various (_,.--""`/` .- `\ .__ _) Apertures in Modern | ( } .__ _) Architecture", 1897) \_, '. }_ - _.' \_, '. } `'--' II. It is also known, as '._. ,_) / any farmhand can tell you, that | / .' whereas if one chicken is placed in \ | _ .-' an enclosed space, it will be impos- \__/;--.||-' sible to pinpoint the exact loca- _|| _||__ __ tion of the chicken at any _ __.-` "`)(` `" ```._) given time. This was sum- (_`,- ,-' `''-. '-._) jgs marized by Helmut Heisenberg ( ( / '.__.' (Werner's younger brother) in `"`'--' the equation: d(chicken) * dt >= b III. Whatever our results, they must be consistent (where b is the barnyard constant; with the fundamentals of 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl * seconds) physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved. A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with chickens, kites, and thunderstorms. B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation: E = K + V Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the kinetic energy of the chicken, given by (.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m). C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w. IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic, time-inde- pendent chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by: [V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative. The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in fact quan- tized, and that by using the Purdue Exclusion formula we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same set of quantum numbers. V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers (when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers. It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated individually. It has been theorized that chickens do in /'._ _, fact have an intrinsic angular momentum, \ ;__.' } yet no experiment has been yet conducted to (`-._;-" _.--.}' prove this, as chickens tend to move away /_' /` _} from someone trying to spin them. `. \_._.; '-.__ / Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any jgs _/ `\ attempt to integrate a chicken should be ^` ^` done by parts, as most people will tend to want the legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts which are best avoided if at all possible. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 ,/A\, way through the semester, he has foolishly .//`_`\\, squandered what money his parents gave him. ,//`____-`\\, ,//`[_FIDO_]`\\, "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get ,//`= == __- _`\\, more dough?" Then he gets an idea. //|__= __- == _ __|\\ He calls his father. ` | __ .-----. _ | ` | - _/ \- | "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the |__ | .-"-. | __=| wonders that modern education are coming | _=|/) (\| | up with! Why, they actually |-__ (/ a a \) -__| have a program here that .-"-. jgs |___ /`\_Y_/`\____| will teach Fido how to /|6 6|\ \)8===8(/ talk!" {/(_0_)\} _/=o=\_ "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. jgs (/ /^\ \)-' "How do I get him in that program?" ""' '"" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talk- ing up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "Sure did Dad!" "Thats my boy!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Personality Test To determine YOUR personality. Check the gift you'd most like to get. 1. Candy 3. A sweet poem 5. Dinner/Dancing 2. Flowers 4. Sex 6. Waffle iron If you answered... ) ( ( ) ( ) ( ) ) ( ) ( 1. CANDY, It means that... /^\ /^\ /^\ /^\ /^\ /^\ jgs (_K_) (_I_) (_S_) (_S_) (_E_) (_S_) You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share... OR You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over every- thing even true love. 2. FLOWERS, It means that... .-=.-~, /{,_;--'}, You love the beauty of nature, | .=~`|//| the scent of flowers and | / ; \ | __, appreciate this timeless || | | | .' \/\ romantic gesture... |\| | | |\ / \ /_| \ | | /|'/ / | \ /_ | OR You get some twisted joy ,_ `\ \/|/ / /` \ /__/ out of watching vegetation /\/`'. `\ `./.'/\ /.--' wither and die. |_\ / \ '. /|\/| // | _\ / | | | \ \/// .""'-. 3. A SWEET POEM, means that... \__\ / .'/| | `)`/__//_/_/_\ '--.\ /\/_| |} /.---. \ \ \ / You're a hopeless romantic, a \\ |\/_/| | //` `'...-' cultured person who recognizes .-""'. \\\/ /{| |// the power and beauty of the /_\_\_\\__\`(` | / written word... \ / / / .---.\ | | '-..,'` `\\ | |} OR You're used to cheap gifts jgs \\| | and like to pass yourself \ | off as a cultured person | | who recognizes the power {| | 4. SEX, and beauty of the written | | means that... word. | | | |} You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who | | is not afraid to express your sexuality with |/ another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and 5. DINNER/DANCING, beautiful... It means that... OR You're a filthy degenerate who is no You enjoy the company better than a rutting animal living of that special some- solely for one carnal experience after one and the romantic another. setting of fine cuisine ,@@@@@@, and candlelight... ,@@@@@""@@, ( _ _ , @@@@@ 6.6\@ :\ ( \/ ) OR You're easy to please and {{^\@@@C _-_)@ : \ \ / probably willing to sell {{:\\@@@) (@@' : \ \/ (\/) your body for food and a {{::\\ / \---.:.__\_ \/ few quick turns around the \`::\( , \---:---._) dance floor. `"`"; \ \|_.-;====I======{> | \ _.-': / 6. WAFFLE IRON, It means that... (\/) | `"/ : / \/ // \/ : / You're a practical person who \\_ \ :/ believes in gifts that you can \ \ | ( actually use... ) ) ) / / / OR You have absolutely no idea of / / /_ jgs what gift-giving is all about (_(____) and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out. So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a low-job for five dollars!" .-. / /.\_ The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, \(_ /-' we can give you a penguin." / \ / / | "What's a penguin?" / _/ / /_/\__/ "You'll see." jgs ='== So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting... ___ .-'` `'-. "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!" .' _.d888b._ '. / .88888888888. \ | d8P` _ _ `Y8b | ,;|d8P' /o) (o\ 'Y8b|;, /;;;8P .-. Y8;;;\ \;;;88 -./___\.- 88;;;/ ___ '=''Yb '-' dP''=' ___ .d88888b. (;;=:=,,_ _,,=:=;;) .d88888b. d888888888db\;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;/bd888888888b 8P""Y8888888P`=,;;;;;;;;;,='Y8888888P""Y8 `Y8888P Y8888P' Y888 888P 888 888 888 888 888 888 888 _ _ 888 jgs Y88b / \ / \ d88P Y888| |_ _\ \88P _ 'Y| |88888888888\ \('-' '-') | | \ \\ / \ \ _ \ \) | \ \.' ) \ | | _.-\ / `\ / (_ / '-' (__,_/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _......_ , __.-'\______\\'.______ >` '-`.--------'---`-`-`-. / .-. \________ "" .-. =\ A drunk phoned police to report jgs '---( o )------------( o )--' that thieves had been in his car. '-' '-' "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'