_______ _ |__ __| | August 30, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Gullibility Virus Spreading Over The Internet! .' \ ( , ) WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of '--' '-' Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their In Box or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, .-"""""-. apparently makes people believe and for- .-" "-. ward copies of silly hoaxes relating to __/ \__ sick and dieing children, cookie recipes, \ .-"""""-. / E-Mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get- '----//o o\\----' rich-quick schemes. ( _\ ) ,____`\ = /`____, "These are not just readers of tabloids // \ `;'---' ` / \ or people who buy lottery tickets based \\/ |-o \// on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman | | | | | said. "Most are otherwise normal people, | | |-o |\ | who would laugh at the same stories if \ `--| |/ / told to them by a stranger on a street '._ |-o | / corner." However, once these same people '|""| | .' become infected with the Gullibility Virus, | |-o |-` they believe anything they read on the | | | Internet. |_/ \_____| jgs | | | "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre | | | claims is all gone," reported one weeping \'-.|.-'/ victim. "I believe every warning message ] _|_ [ and sick child story my friends forward to / | \ me, even though most of the messages are / / \ \ anonymous." (___/` `\___) Another victim, now o in remission, added, "When I first heard about /\ Good Times, I just accepted it without question. ( ) After all, there were dozens of recipients on .--.\/.--. the mail header, so I thought the virus must be (/`\_\/_/`\) true." It was a long time, the victim said, o [____] o before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous ////\\\\ meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've ( ' ' ) been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading //| \ |\\ the word. "Challenge and check whatever you //\ -- /\\ read," she says. _______ .--'\__/'--. |.-----.| (/`\ /`\) Internet users are urged to ||x . x|| jgs o /_/ \_\ o examine themselves for symp- ||_.-._|| o \/ o toms of the virus, which `--)-(--` o include the following: __[=== o]___ |:::::::::::|\ * the willingness to believe improbable stories jgs `-=========-`() without thinking * the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others * lack of desire to take 3 minutes to check to see if a story is true T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempt- ing them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including: * Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at * Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at * The Urban Legends Web Site at * Datafellows Hoax Warnings at Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evalu- ating sources, such as: * Evaluating Internet Research Sources at * Evaluation of Information Sources at * Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ___________ |.---------.| @)___||_ ||_______ {8*8888*888{______} hoax ||_______> @) ||_________|| `----)-(----` ____[=== o]___ |::::::::::::::|\ jgs `-============-`() ******************************************************************* Forward this message to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.) ******************************************************************* _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Medical Warning : '. _ .' The American Medical Association announced today a -= (~) =- sharp increase in U.S. deaths related to sclerosis .' # '. of the brain. Doctors attributed the increase to the alarming spread of excessive thinking among /""""" U.S. citizens between the ages of 18-55. Playing | (')') no favorites among gender, social, racial, or eco- C _) nomic groups, Heavy Thinking, as it was referred to \ _| by the AMA, represents the greatest threat to soci- jgs \__/ ety since Gutenberg's invention of the printing /` \`\ press. With little information to go on, medical authorities have no idea what initiated the phenom- enal spread of Heavy Thinking. One bit of information they do have, outside the 18-55 age group Heavy Thinking is virtually nonexistent leading experts to believe youth and old age offer some inherent pro- tection against this dreaded syndrome. __ .' `'. On the Hill today, in response to the AMA announce- / _ | ment, congressional leaders expressed their shock #_/.\==/.\ and dismay. In the largest swell of bipartisan (, \_/ \\_/ support since last week's vote on congressional pay | -' | increases, Senators and Congressmen lined up to \ '= / the microphones to express their concerns and jgs /`-.__.' recommendations for immediate legislative action. .-'`-.___|__ Many took time to voice their personal support for / \ `. those afflicted with HT. It was often the poignant moment when a legislator would relate his or her own personal experi- ence involving themselves or family members brought under siege by HT. ____ _[____]_ For its part, the White House voiced equal concern. ( '7') At present, White House Office of Management and __)(^_ Budget is preparing an emergency proposal urging law- / ,C^D,\ makers to consider an immediate amendment to this / /||:||\\ year's budget appropriating an additional $1.5 billion \ \|/:\|// for research into finding the cause(s) of HT plus an `\\~~~|/ additional $1.0 billion for the care and maintenance ,##\7|\ \ of those already afflicted. While details of the pro- |#| \ \ posal have not yet been released, White House insiders |#| / / say the proposal will include a list of actions that, jgs |#|/_/ if implemented immediately, may help stem HT's rapid |#|\ \ growth and potentially save hundreds of thousands of (#_\`' lives. Some of those actions are; conducting random IQ tests among the general population (Congress would be exempted) to identify potential victims or those individuals afflicted with HT who have not yet come forward; develop new guidelines for PBS television stations placing greater em- phasis on programming 1970's sitcom reruns; allow the general public to participate in government sponsored civil employee training programs; revamp national education standards to place greater focus on classroom reading of comic books and the back of cereal boxes. Industry is still assessing the potential impact on commerce threatened by HT. Primarily through employee awareness and assistance programs, U.S. corporations have for years now been quietly dealing with the im- plications of HT, but last year's increase clearly caught them off guard. From CEOs down to first line supervisors, corporate management has made it very clear they can't have just anyone working for them. One corporate CEO who refused to be identified stated, "The Socratic method of inquiry has no business in business! It's my way or the highway!". Another said, "Descartes be damned, you are what I think you are!". Always quick to jump on the band wagon, the entertainment industry is expected to provide similar reactions after lunch. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ (.".) _ Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee, '-'/. .\'-' firemen found, in a room plastered with heavy metal ( o o ) posters, the nude body of a 16-year-old boy with a jgs `"-"` cow's heart attached to his genitals. Initial sus- picions of ritual murder were dismissed when, in a copy of an underground porn magazine, they discovered instructions for the construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cows heart and an electrical circuit powered by batteries, which makes the heart beat. Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into the mains, electrocuted himself and set the house on fire. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man of 20 reported to a casualty department complaining of pain in his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According to the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which in- volved lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his boyfriend inserted a funnel in his rectum and poured a quantity of concrete mix through it. The man underwent surgery to remove the by now solid lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further examination, was also found to contain a ping-pong ball. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was /___\ going shooting, a 40-year-old airline pilot was found ." | ". chained and crushed against the side of his Volkswagen (o_|_o) Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel was jgs u u tied as far as it would turn to the left, and the car had been traveling in circles. The man was naked, apart from a series of straps similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of the car by a heavy chain. It appears that he had removed his clothes and chained himself to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on 'autopilot'. He jogged along behind it and when he wanted to stop the 'game', he went towards the car, which ran over the chain. As the chain slowly wound around the axle it reeled the man inexorably towards the car, and with no means of escape, he was eventually asphyxiated against the bumper. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ .---. __ / ` .-.7,--. / `. .-''. -, , \ A man turned up at a hospital wearing '--.- -; | ) / an overcoat, and with blood dripping ,` / \ ,_) / '-. down his leg. When he removed the / ( ( | / .' ) \ coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium '. `--,/ .---' ,-.| inserted in his penis. The man had got `--. / '-, -' .' the flower in without any difficulty, .==,=; `-,.;--' but when he tried to remove it, the / ,' _;--;| hairs on the stem of the flower had /_...=' || dug into the urethra and ripped it to jgs || .==,=. shreds. ||/ '.\ ,||`'=...__\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) x A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his .-. _______| barn by a neighbor, crushed beneath the |=|/ / \ hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was | |_____|_""_| wearing stockings and a pair of shoes with |=|=|=|_|_[X]_|____| an eight-inch heel and his ankles were ^jgs^^`^^`^^`^^`^^^`^^ tied to a four-foot length of pipe, which was itself chained to the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise the scoop and suspend himself upside-down. Beside the dead body was a broken length of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety feature when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the ground. Unfortun- ately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood and continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _..._ _ .' `) ( '. | /` \ | A policeman in Staffordshire \_/| q p |_/ returned home from the night .-"````"=-..--\ Y / shift to find his wife preparing /` `-.__=.' breakfast. For some unknown `-/ /o reason, he wrapped a slice of | | bread around his penis, at which > /`""--. / point the dog leapt up and took | || | \\ a bite out of it. The man needed jgs \___,,)) \_,,)) cosmetic surgery to restore the damage. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A 34 year-old New-Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward. One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched it- self on" and sucked him in. A 65 year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened. Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ While enjoying an early morning swim, /` _\ Brazilian Claudiomiro Marques decided | / 0|--. to experiment with the sexual proper- - / \_|0`/ /.`'._/) ties of swimming pool filters. Unfor- - ~ -^_| /-_~ ^- ~_` - -~ _ tunately, the structure of the filter - ~ -| | - ~ - ~ - combined with the degree of suction, jgs \ \, ~ - ~ meant that his penis became jammed \_| fast. Doctors were called, who even- tually managed to extricate him from his terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demol- ish the wall of the pool. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \\\ , An Australian tourist woke one morning on \ `| his holiday in Thailand to discover his ) ( .-""-. passport and money had vanished during the | | /_ { '. night. He cast his mind back, and the last | | (/ `\ } ) thing he could remember was sucking on the | | ^/ ^`} { nipples of a transvestite prostitute. After \ \ \= ( { ) going to the police and making an embarrassing \ \ '-, { {{ confession, the police were able to track down \ \_.' ) } ) the perpetrator, who explained that he had used \.-' ( ( a tranquilizer on his nipples, a necessary @ .' ) ( } subterfuge as many sex tourists didn't drink. \_( @ { _/\ ) '--' `-;\ \ _.-' / / / <\/>_.' .' / / <\/>/. ' /<\// / jgs _ |\`- _ . -/| - _- ` _.-'`_/- | \ - - - - \\\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Somalian trucker reported to his doctor wearing rubber incontinence pants, and claiming that over the previous month he had been experi- encing up to 40 involuntary ejaculations daily, He believed his con- dition was brought on by chewing the drug Khat. A week later, he suffered total erection failure, and even lengthy abstinence from the drug failed to restore his sexual ability. His doctor believed he had used up his lifetime's supply of orgasms. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for hemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed that the doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's probation. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ ).\ (o) \`,/~/\___ ,/ \, .-./ | ... \._ /| | o |_| |__} ._III | '-' | ,/ \| `-------' || || When the guests at a wedding reception in || Sussex sat down to watch a video of the || proceedings, they were surprised to see //\\ pictures of the man who owned the video //||\\ camera enjoying himself, on a bed, with // || \\ the neighbor's Staffordshire bull terrier. // || \\ His defense in court was that he had made // || \\ it to prove that pornographic films used // || \\ trick photography, and that no sex had ==== ==== ==== taken place. He received a six-month suspended sentence. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A young couple appeared in casualty one evening, he with a bleeding and lacerated organ and she with serious bruising around the head. It appears that during the course of providing her husband with oral sex in the kitchen (starters?) the young lady had suffered a "grand mal" epileptic fit, clamping her jaws closed on her husband's wedding tackle. In great pain and fear of actually losing the aforementioned penis, he grabbed a convenient heavy implement (a saucepan - fortun- ately empty) and used it to render his wife unconscious, so that she would release her grip. _____________ ______________ (_,---------.(`______________`) \ / jgs `-------------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'