_______ _ |__ __| | September 6, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | Bert Is Evil! .' \ ( , ) The following is an candid interview with Ernie, the best '--' '-' friend, roommate, and confidant to Bert. Some portions of this interview deemed explicit by the editor have been cut out, but we need to warn you that \WWW/ others graphic parts remain. Reader's discretion is / \ advised. /wwwww\ _| o_o |_ Interviewer: How long have you known \WWWWWWW/ (_ / \ _) Bert? _.'` o_o `'._ | \_/ | (_ (_) _) : ~~~~~ : Ernie: Oh, over 20 years now. '.'-...-'.' \_____/ (`'---'`) [ ] Interviewer: Have you always lived `"""""` jgs `"""""` together? Ernie: Yes, for as long as I remember. Interviewer: How has it been living with him? Ernie: It has been really difficult. Interviewer: Difficult? Can you elaborate. Ernie: Well you see... um.. Bert is kinda has a dual personality... during the show, he's a pushover and very geeky. But when the camera stops rolling he becomes a raging maniac. Interviewer: Maniac.. how do you mean? Ernie: Well he hurts me and stuff. Interviewer: Why do you still live with him then? .--. Ernie: He says if I leave the apartment _/aa \ he'll kill me and Rubber Duckie. \__\ | ) ( , Interviewer: He can possibly be serious? / `-----'\ | --. | Ernie: He is, he is very capable of this. .-\ --' /-. Once, me and Duckie tried to escape... jgs `'.-_.-_-,_-._-.-'` He almost strangled me to death. Interviewer: Why does he force you to stay? Ernie: I think he needs company, you know when he overdoses and stuff, also he likes to touch me. He... ------CUT------ Interviewer: Here, here, please stop crying. (pause) Are you okay now? Ernie: (sniff) Yes, please continue. Interviewer: You mentioned overdosing... overdosing on what? Ernie: Bert experiments with all kinds of stuff, L.S.D., Speed, Ecstasy, Heroin, Cocaine, Cannabis... he taught me all the names... I hate him most when he is high. Interviewer: Why? Ernie: It's when he's high when he makes me do stuff. Interviewer: What kind of stuff? Ernie: He makes me go to the Pigeon shed and... ------CUT------ Interviewer: What??!! Ernie: Please I can't talk anymore... I gotta go. The Interview ended abruptly with Ernie hysterically shaking and in tears. We pursued no longer, this soul was already in too much pain. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ _,=~` `~=,_ A guy walks into a bar with a dog. .=` ~-. .-~ `-. As they sit down at the counter, /` / { } \ `\ the bartender tells them, that no | | _ \ / _ | | dogs are allowed. The dog looks up | / /@) )( (@\ \ | and says, "I don't see any sign \ | / \ | | posted about dogs." \ | / __ \ \ / |_/\ / (..) \ / \_| To which the bartender looks at them ` /\ ; /\ ; /\ both and exclaims "Hey! You can talk! /` `.\ /==\ /.' `\ This is wild! I'm buying you both a /` /-=`""""`=-\ `\ beer". ; |-=-=-=--=-=-| ; jgs \-=-=-=-=-=/ They both thank him and proceed to `~~~~~~~~` enjoy their libation. After awhile, the man excuses himself to go to the bathroom and the bartender leans over the bar and asks the dog if he'll "go over to the 7-11 across the street and ask for change from a $20 to buy a news- paper. He tells the dog that his friend across the street would get a kick out of it. In return, he'll buy beers for the both of them for the rest of the day and keep the $20 for his trouble. The dog agrees and taking the $20 in his mouth, walks out of the bar. When the man comes out of the bathroom, he asks where his dog has gone and panics when he is told the dog has gone outside without him. He runs outside and begins to cross the street when he hears a sound in the alley next to the bar. When he turns into the alley, he discovers his dog humping a French Poodle. Shock, the man looks to his dog and says "Rex, how could you? You've NEVER done anything like this before!" The dog looks up at him and says "Frankly, I've never had a $20 bill before!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .----------------. ;----------------; This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, | ~~ .------. | he ask's the bartender where's the | / \ | bathroom at? The bartender said, go | / \ | down the hall and make a right. | | | | ,----. | \ , , / | =|____|= Well, all of a sudden, everybody at '---,########,---' (---( the bar hear's this loud scream and /##' '##\ )---) wonders what is going on in the bath- |##, ,##| (---( room. A few minutes go by again and \'######'/ '---` everybody at the bar hears another \`""""`/ loud scream that came out of the |`""`| bathroom again. .-| |-. jgs / ' ' \ This time the bartender goes into the '----------' bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _______________ A young couple were making passionate / .-----..--..--\ love in the guy's van -- you know, |)[_____][__][___\__ shag carpets, big double bed in the | _ | -|- _ `\ back, all of that -- and suddenly the _( /.\ | | /.\ [) girl, being a bit on the kinky side, jgs `'---\_/-----------\_/--' yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!" Well, the guy, not wanting to pass up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both coll- apse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you've got a bad case of Vanaerial disease!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Tip of The Week .----------------. / _H______H_ \@, If you're lonely and want to talk \____/ \____/ @, to someone, instead of paying / \ `@ three dollars a minute to call a | LI LI LI | ,@ 900 number, try a 901 number. | LI LI LI | ,@' | LI LI LI | ,@' There are probably lots of people | LI LI LI |@@' in Western Tennessee who wouldn't jgs \ /' mind talking to you. `----------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __, .-'_-'` Scene: A fish bowl .' {` .-'````'-. .-'``'. Dramatis Personae: Two goldfishes .'(0) '._/ _.-. `\ } '. )) _<` )` | Dialogue: `-.,\'.\_,.-\` \`---; .' / ) ) '-. '--: "Is there God?" ( ' ( ) '. \ '. ) .'( / ) "Of course there is. Who else changes )/ ( '. / the water and drops food from the sky?" '._( ) .' jgs ( ( `-. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'