_______ _ |__ __| | October 11, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | So You Want To Date My Daughter .' \ ( , ) When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my '--' '-' girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of want- ing to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect my good-naturedly murderous expression, .{{}}}}}}. holding out a handshake that, when {{{{{}}}}}}}. gripped, felt like it could squeeze {{{{ {{{{{}}}} carbon into diamonds. }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ }}}} 6 6 }}}}} Now, years later, it is my turn to be {{{{C ^ {{{{{ the dad. Remembering how unfairly }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}}} persecuted I felt when I would pick {{{{{{{{;.___.;{{{{{{{{ up my dates, I do my best to make my }}}}}}}}}) (}}}}}}}}}} daughter's suitors feel even worse. {{{{}}}}}': :{{{{{{{{{{ My motto: wilt them in the living room {{{}}}}}} `@` {{{}}}}}}} and they'll stay wilted all night. {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}} }}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{ "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see jgs {{{{{{{{ }}}}}} you have your nose pierced. Is that }}}}} {{{{ because you're stupid, or did you merely {{{ }} want to APPEAR stupid?" }} As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule ONE: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be deliv- ering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule TWO: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule THREE: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be fall- ing off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trou- sers securely in place around your waist. Rule FOUR: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex with- out utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. .-.-. Rule FIVE: In order for us to get to know each (( (__I__) )) other, we should talk about sports, politics, and .'_....._'. other issues of the day. Please do not do this. / / .12 . \ \ The only information I require from you is an | | ' \| ' | | indication of when you expect to have my daughter | | 9 3 | | safely back at my house, and the only word I need \ \ '.6.' / / from you on this subject is "early." '.`-...-'.' jgs /'-- --'\ Rule SIX: I have no doubt you are a popular fel- `"""""""""` low, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. _ | \ Rule SEVEN: As you stand in my front hallway, | | waiting for my daughter to appear, and more | | than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. | | If you want to be on time for the movie, you |~~~~| should not be dating. My daughter is putting |SSSS| on her makeup, a process which can take longer | | _______ than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead | | / / \ of just standing there, why don't you do some- jgs |SSSS| \_____\_/ thing useful, like changing the oil in my car? '----' .-="""""""""""=-. Rule EIGHT: The following places are not | . . . . . . . | appropriate for a date with my daughter: | .'.'.'.'.'.'. | Places where there are beds, sofas, or any- ()____ _____ ____() thing softer than a wooden stool. Places ||____I_____I____|| where there are no parents, policemen, or ||_______________|| nuns within eyesight. Places where there jgs W W is darkness. Places where there is danc- ing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than over- alls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from mem- ory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cre- tins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't re- member them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I mere- ly told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point pen might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burn- ing set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Heavenly Advice The preacher is playing his usual round at the Hardscrabble Muny G.C. when he arrives at the 14th tee. This hole is a 152 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. This hole is also the preach- er's nemesis no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the preacher tees up his ball, gets ||| ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens ||| and says, "God, I have been a good and decent |V| man. Please, just this once, let me hit a | | shot which will carry the lake and get onto .----=--.-':'-; < the green." /===== /'.'.'.'\ | |====== |.'.'.'.'.|| As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice \===== \'.'.'.'/ / booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new jgs '--=-=-='-:.:-'-` ball, they go further." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a new Maxfli. He takes his stance and the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing. He takes his stance and the hea- venly voice booms, "Use the old ball." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ .'.---.'. // , \\ || `| || A police officer, though scheduled for all- || | || night duty at the station, was relieved of || -'- || duty early and arrived home four hours a- .-"`'-.,_ _,.-'`"-. head of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not / .'--,___`"""`___,--'. \ wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in | /: _'---'_ \ | the dark, crept into the bedroom and start- \|:' | /o) (o\ | .:|/ ed to climb into bed. Just then, his wife | |(_/ .-. \_)| :'| sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, | .:/ ( ) \ | would you go down to the all-night drug '-; '-' ;-' store on the next block and get me some | : | aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." | : | \ : / "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling jgs \ /^\ / his way across the dark room, he got dress- '--`._.`--' ed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) o o | \ | Mrs. Cohen, the buxom, sexy housewife was \ | built so well the TV repairman couldn't \.|-. keep his eyes off of her. Every time she (\| ) came in the room, he'd near about jerk .==================. his neck right out of joint looking at | .--------------. | her. | |--.__.--.__.--| | | |--.__.--.__.--| | When he'd finished she paid him and said, | |--.__.--.__.--| | "I'm going to make a... well... unusual | |--.__.--.__.--| | request. But you have to first promise me | |--.__.--.__.--| | you'll keep it a secret." | '--------------'o| jgs | LI LI """"""" o| The repairman quickly agreed and she went '==================' on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A cer- tain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..." The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..." "Yes yes!" "Would you mind moving the refrigerator for me?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________________ When the store manager returned from /::::::| |:::::::\ lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was jgs \::::::|____|:::::::/ bandaged, but before he could ask about `"""""""""""""""""` the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" , |`-.__ "Oh," the clerk replied, / ' _/ "after I sold the guy that suit, ****` his guide dog bit me." / } / \ / \ /` \\\ `\ /_\\ jgs `~~~~~``~` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'