_______ _ |__ __| | October 18, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | The "Beer-Me" Diet .' \ ( , ) It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, '--' '-' trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-pro- tein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night! _, . '__ . FACT: A lite beer has between 70 '_(_0o),(__)o(). and 100 calories, is almost all ,o(__),_)o(_)O,(__)o water, and the part that isn't o(_,-o(_ )(),(__(_)oO)_ water is almost pure carbohydrates. .O(__)o,__).(_ )o(_)Oo_) .----| | | | | |_)0 FACT: The average diet recommends / .--| | | | | |,_) a daily caloric intake of 1,200 | / | | | | | |o(_) calories for women, 1,500 for men, | | | | | | | |_/`) if you want to lose the medically | | | | | | | |O_) safe two to three pounds a week. | | | | | | | | On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equat- | \ | | | | | | es to at least 12 beverages a day \ '--| | | | | | for women, and 15 for men. A mea- '----| | | | | | surable and achievable goal. | | | | | | jgs \ \ \ / / / FACT: The alcohol in beer is a `"""""""""""""""""` diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be). .:. .:. .:. FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you _oOoOo _oOoOo oOoOo_ sleep - even when you aren't necessar- [_||||| [_||||| |||||_] ily tired. All that added rest is cer- ||||| ||||| ||||| tain to help any problems you may have jgs ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ experienced in sleep deprivation from counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home, stimulating mental exercises and creating good cardiovascular workouts. FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks. .======================================. FACT: On the "Beer-Me" | ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ | diet you can eat any- | \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| | thing you want. The | _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| | only rule is that you '===================================== ,sSSSs cannot consume any DUFFY'S WATERING HOLE sSSS` "> food until you .:. SSSS@ =) .:. have consumed C|||' SSSSS_(_ |||D at least half ___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.- of the day's [____________________________________] \ /\// required beers. | ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/ This way the food | (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ; will probably only | | | | | | | | | | |____| stay in your body a | | | | | | | | | | \ |\ short time, until | | | | | | | | | | ) ) ) you again exercise | |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/ the deep knee bends, | I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ | quick walk and, this jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\ time, the "lean- Y\_\ over-and-hurl" stom- ach crunches. FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst and burn calories, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer - perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself. FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig. Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation. ___ .' '. CAUTION: This is a weekend diet / 0 \ oOoOo plan, and should be attempted | 0 . | ,==||||| during the work week by only \ __/ _|| ||||| the staunchest of dieters. '.___.' _.-'^|| ||||| __/_______.-' '==HHHHH MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat _.-'` / """"" junk food, and basically be a .-' / oOoOo slob. `-._ / ,==||||| '-/._|| ||||| FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor / ^|| ||||| store and stock up. Go to your favorite / '==HHHHH place of beer drinking and begin the con- /________""""" sumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 `\ `\ for men). \ `\ / \ `\/ SATURDAY (a.m.): Wake up (as required) and / lounge around all day, feeling slightly / smaller after expunging any food that you jgs /_____ may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway. ___________ SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that [___________] your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps {=========} only meet half of your consumption goal due to .-' '-. an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit / \ you." This is a good thing, as only half-con- /_________________\ sumption means less than 1,000 calories for the | _ _ _ | day, and you still ||\(_ |_)||_)||\ || don't feel hungry. ,.--. ,.--. ||~\_)| || \|| \|| // \ \ // \ \ |_________________| SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up jgs \\ \ / \\ \ / | | for mandatory sports day. `'--' `'--' '-----------------' This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact - look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day - you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin. MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .&&&&&&&&&&&&&. A woman is having a drink at .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. the bar when a guy sidles up .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. to her and says, "Pardon me, &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& I couldn't help but notice &&&&&&&&&:&&:&&:&&:&&&&&&&&&& that you have the most beau- &&&&&&&&:&'&''&&''&&'&:&&&&&&&& tiful breasts I've ever .&&&&&&'(((((( ))))))'&&&&&&. seen." &&&&&&'(/````\ /````\)'&&&&&& &&&&:' `\ (_) ) \ ( (_) /` ':&&&& "Well, I never. You keep your && ( :. '''''' \ `````` .: ) && filthy thoughts to yourself, &&\ \:::. ,__) .:::/ /&& you creep." She gets up and '&&\ `::: :::` /&&' moves to the other end of the &&&`/\:` .-.-. `:/\`&&& bar. .&&&( ) .'._,_.'. ( )&&&. &&&&&&&&\ \` ` `/ /&&&&&&&& He follows her over, sits &&&&&&&&&\ `---` /&&&&&&&&& down next to her and says &&&&&&&&&&`-._ _.-'&&&&&&&&&& "While you were walking away, &&&&&&&&&&& `"""` &&&&&&&&&&& I noticed that you also have &jgs&&&&&&' '&&&&&&&&& a perfect perky little ass." "Sir, you are way out of line. I must ask you to leave me alone this instant." Undeterred, he replied "I tell you something else, I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry." "Sir, my husband will be arriving in ten minutes, and he's going to put a serious hurting on you for saying such things to me." Her husband arrives. The woman says "That greasy looking man over there said I have nice breasts." "I'll punch his lights out" replied the husband. "He also said I have a perfect ass." "He's really gonna get knocked out now." The burly husband said. "That's not all, he said he wants to tip me upside down, fill my pussy with beer and drink me dry." "Well, uh, maybe we better get going. I don't want to mess with anyone who can drink that much beer." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____________ [_I_I[L]=_I_I_] A man sitting in the bar found that the front / | : \ of his trousers was all wet. | /| \ | | | '- | | Turning to the man on his right he asked, \ | /^\ | / "Did you pour beer on my trousers?" | | | | | | | | | | | | "Nope," came the reply. | | | | | | \ | | | | / Then, turning to the man on his left, he / -|-| |-|- \ asked, "Did you pour beer on my trousers?" | | | | | | | | | | | | The man also replied, "Nope." | | | | | | |__|_| |_|__| "Then it must be an inside job," he murmured. jgs [____] [____] _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking .-=-. .-=-. `) ) ( (` A herd of buffalo can only move .' / \ '. as fast as the slowest buffalo, ( ( _.-'`::`'-._ ) ) much like the brain can only op- \ `'''` .::. `'''` / erate as fast as the slowest `-.___\`~` `~`/___.-' brain cells. _,=` / \ `=,_ ( ,(^\ /^), ) The slowest buffalo are the sick `~~` \0)\ /(0/ `~~` and weak, so they die off first, | /` '\ | making it possible for the herd | | to move at a faster pace. | | | | Like the buffalo, the weak, slow / \ brain cells are the ones that \() ()/ are killed off by excessive beer jgs `._-==-_.' drinking and socializing, making `)") the brain operate faster. ( ( )) The moral of the story, drink ` more beer, it will make you smarter. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) / .- |/,-'` _.-'''-._ _.;.--._.--.;._ .oOo0Oo./( O / \ O )\ ` _oOoOoO0o '-' '-' ; _//|||||||| (_) | / __)|||||| . . | | __)|||||| `-.___.-' | .-. _ | ___)|||||| \.-./ ; | | / | |~~\\|||||||\ `-` / __| |/ /_ | |`====;__'._ _.'_ (_ _) \ /\"""""/\ `\ `| .'` '----------.`-`\^/`-`. \ |~~| | /~\ |`\ \ | | | |\| | \ `y | jgs | |\| | \ / | |\| | '.__.' |___|\|___| |===\_/===| Our lager, | | Which art in barrels, | L | Hallowed be thy drink. | | | Thy will be drunk, | | | At home as it is in the pub. < < | Give us this day our foamy head, | | | And forgive us our spillage's, |____|____| As we forgive those who spill against us. .---' / \ And lead us not to incarceration, / /| | But deliver us from hangovers. '.______.' | | For thine is the beer, The bitter, \__/ The lager. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs/ jgs '-' '--'