To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. _______ _ |__ __| | November 22, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | One Thanksgiving Morning | | .' \ There was an old married couple that had happily lived ( , ) together for nearly forty years. The only friction in '--' '-' their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out". The years went by and the wife .-""""-._.'| continued to suffer and the / '.| | husband continued to ignore / | / her warnings about "farting | -= | /| ( his guts out" until one Thanks- | |/`< ) ) ( giving morning. Before dawn, ; -=| _| ) the wife went downstairs to \ \ / ____ /) prepare the family feast. She '._ _.-""-.< .' `\/) fixed pumpkin pie, mashed pota- / / \ / _ .'`/| toes, gravy and of course a _ / | '-._( __\ (__/_/=, turkey. ( \| \ -=/ /--;==========` ._,;'\==='-,..__/__/__.' While she was taking out the `'--/,/ || ' \ turkey's innards, a thought / | / || ' \ occurred to the wife as to \/ . || ; how she might solve her jgs / / || | husband's problem. With a | . || | devilish grin on her face, / '=------| she placed the turkey guts / ' ; ; ;| into a bowl and quietly `-.___.___.___.___._/ walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her hus- band's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you" "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Eleven things that sound politically incorrect at Thanksgiving, but aren't..... _.-;-._ 1) Reach in and grab the giblets. (` \ | / `) ( '._\|/_.' ) 2) Whew, that's one terrific spread! ('-._/.-.\_.-') (._ |(q p)| _.) 3) I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. '._\-)V(-/_.' /_// 8 \\_\ 4) Tying the legs together will keep the jgs \___/ insides moist. W W 5) Talk about a huge breast! 6) "and he forced his way into the end zone..." 7) She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down. 8) It's Cool Whip time!!!! 9) If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst! 10) It must be broken, cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out! 11) "All I want is stuffin'!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _,, _.-'` ',\ \ .-;`'(,____ T'was the night of Thanksgiving, \.-'\ _\-` __.-; But I just couldn't sleep. \_.-'_.-'0 \/ I tried counting backwards, / .'0 __ | I tried counting sheep /_.' .'o \ / .-. ,;--._\___/--. __./ | The leftovers beckoned, .-/ \ ^_> |\ /\ \ / The dark meat and white, <;/ \ \_/ |___/__\__|` But I fought the temptation <; | |) \ o ( with all of my might. <; |__.\ |o \ <; \ \ / o _\ Tossing and turning <\.)-'`| =====""` \ with anticipation /\__/__/^\____.-; The thought of a snack | | | became infatuation. | | / \____|\____/ So I raced to the kitchen, |===||===| Flung open the door, jgs __/[](_||__l[]_ And gazed at the fridge / || '. \ full of goodies galore. '-----'-''-'-.__/ I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !! I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky... With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie, But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees... Happy Eating To All! Pass The Cranberries Please! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ __ /--\ __ |.-\| |/-.| Thanksgiving Day Forecast .--\ | | /--. _\;` \ ;__; / `;/_ Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then /`/'. ;'` `'; .'\`\ warm in the oven to an afternoon high \_\ '/ a__a \' /_/ near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot //'-._| ('') |_.-'\\ and humid, and if you bother the cook, '>_ \_ \/ _/ _<' be ready for a severe squall or cold /( `'.-./'/\'\.-.'` )\ shoulder. '-='/ |:(__);| \'=-' `-| /;:;:;:\ |-` During the late afternoon and evening, | /;:;:;:::\ | the cold front of a knife will slice jgs \/;;:;:;;:;;\/ through the turkey, causing an accum- `::;:;::;` ulation of one to two inches on plates. \;/\;/ Mashed potatoes will drift across one ___)||(___ side while cranberry sauce creates slip- (((--)(--))) pery spots on the other. Please pass ``` ``` the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the even- ing, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pres- sure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. -Elliot Abrams _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) |_| _, _ _ ___ | |(_||_)|_)\_| .'=:-\ ___ | | ._| /.='( ` | |_ _ ,_ |/ , _ . .,_ _ /. ^=.'-._..---. | | |(_|| ||\/_)(_|||/|| |(_| | =^.'=.'^//"(_`\\)8, ._| ._| |^.'=' .=||/' `\||;8.-' \'.^,=^'.||; ; ||8/:_,_ give thanks... './-`\= \\\.-./;//,_/`- \ jgs \__/-/'-\888::((()),_ /:. .O__/ (_88:::(())):. `8':. ' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) jgs '-' '--'