To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | December 6, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | Winter Fishing Advice | | .' \ It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out ( , ) onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in '--' '-' his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a _H_ Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled /___\ in the fish. \888/ ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~U~^~^~^~^~^~ The old man couldn't ~ | believe it but fig- ~ o | ~ ured it was just luck. ___ o | But, the boy dropped _,.--,.'` `~'-.._ O | in his line and again /_ .-" _ /_\'. | ~ within just a few .-';' (( ` \0/ `\ # minutes pulled in /__; ((_ ,_ | # another one. This .-; \_ / # _#, went on and on un- / ; .-' / _.--""-.\`~` `#(('\\ ~ til finally the old ;-'; / / .' )) \\ man couldn't take it ; /.--'.' (( )) any more since he \ | ~ \\ (( hadn't caught a thing \ | )) ` all this time. He ~ \ | ` went to the boy and \ | said, "Son, I've been jgs .` `""-. here for over an hour .' \ ~ ~ without even a nibble. | |\ | You have been here only \ / '-._| a few minutes and have \.' caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." __ (\ .-. .-. /_") So, the boy spit into his hand and \\_//^\\_//^\\_// said, "You have to keep the worms jgs `"` `"` `"` warm!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) () There was a traveling salesman /\ whose car became hopelessly //\\ stuck in a snow bank during a << >> recent blizzard in North Dakota. () \\// () It took him several hours to ()._____ /\ \\ /\ _____.() make it to the nearest farm \.--.\ //\\ //\\ //\\ /.--./ house, but frozen half to death, \\__\\/__\//__\//__\\/__// he finally reached the front '--/\\--//\--//\--/\\--' door and knocked on it. \\\\///\\//\\\//// ()-= >>\\< <\\> >\\<< =-() A grizzled old farmer answered ////\\\//\\///\\\\ and the salesman pleaded for a .--\\/--\//--\//--\//--. place to spend the night. //""/\\""//\""//\""//\""\\ /'--'/ \\// \\// \\// \'--'\ "Why sure, young fella, I can ()`"""` \/ // \/ `""""`() give ya a place to bunk," said () //\\ () the hospitable old man. "But, << >> I ain't got no daughter for ya jgs \\// to sleep with, like ya always \/ hear about in them thar jokes." () "Oh!" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, "Just how far is it to the next house?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-=====-. |_ | A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and |= | Eli, are riding down the road in their '=:=======:=' buggy. It`s mid Januaryand very cold. / * * \ Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are ,_ . \ '.V.' / , frozen solid." Eli says, "Well, put >-\_ /'----'--`\ _/-< them in my lap. I`ll rub them and warm / `| * |` \ them up." \ * / /'--'-'----'\ Elizabeth does so and after a while | * | she asks, " Eli, what`s that hard | | thing in your pants?" Eli answers, -.-jgs--\ /---.- "That`s my penis, it`s frozen solid... '--'---'--` Maybe you can rub it and warm it up." The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?" Her mother retorts, "I don`t know, what do YOU know about penises?" Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ /`> / > /`> An old Indian chief was famous for _____/ / / /`> predicting what the weather would do. /____/ / / / /`> A group of people went up to the chief /====/ / / / / / and asked him, "What will the weather / .> (_) < < < < be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, (__ \ \ \ \ \ \ "Much rain. Very wet." |__ \ \ \ \ \_> |___ \ \ \ \_> The next day, it did rain and it was \ ( \_> \_> very wet. Some more people went up to jgs \_> the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" "Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. "Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I dunno. Radio broken." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. / \ _ ^^ / \ /^./\__ _/ \ _ .--'\/\_ \__/. \ / \ ^^ ___ / \_ _/ ^ \/ __ :' /\/\ /\ __/ \ / \ / .' _/ / \ ^ / \/ \/ .`'\_/\ /\/\ /\/ :' __ ^/ ^/ `--./.' ^ `-.\ _ _:\ _ / \/ \ _/ \-' __/.' ^ _ \_ .'\ _/ \ . __/ \ /\ .- `. \/ \ / -. _/ \ -. `_/ \ / `._/ ^ \ / `-.__ ^ / .-'.--' . / `--./ .-' `-. `-. `. - `. @/ `. / / `-. / .-' / . .' \ \ \ .- \% @(88%@)@%% @)&@&(88&@.-_=_-=_-=_-=_-=_.8@% &@&&8(8%@%8)(8@%88%@)% @88:::&(&8&&8::JGS:&`.~-_~~-~~_~-~_~-~~=.'@(&%::::%@8&8)::&#@8:::: `::::::8%@@%:::::@%&8:`.=~~-.~~-~~=..~'8::::::::&@8:::::&8::::::' `::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' Three monks were meditating in the Himalayas to be away from the maddening crowds. One year passed in silence and the first monk said, "Pretty cold here." Another year passed in silence and the second one said, "You know, you're quite right." Another year passed and the third one said, "Look, I'm gonna quit unless you two stop bitching!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Q: How you can tell when its really cold outside? A: When lawyers have their hands in their own pockets for a change. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) |"|")/"\<""|"\ / "|"| ||_" <"|\ |/"\| ||\/||\ |\ | | /|"|" |"|"\\_/_> | | | |"||_ _>| \|\_/|/\|| ||"\| \| |"\| | """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" .-"""-. / \ ___,---,__ | :| (/_/|\ \|_/) | .:| || \ | .-----. \ ..::/ ||\ \| |`"""`| .-` :-. || \ | /______ |_____| .' ':. `|\ \| `\ ) .-[____=]-. /' ':\ """"" / `"-------"` / ':\ <"/"|\ |")|" . ; :; _>\_|"\|"\|" /|\ | :| | | :| | .:| ,__ | ||\"|" | .::| |\ |"||"\| : .:::: \ |")/"\|"\\ / \ ..::::/ |")\_/|_/ | _,-`-.___ ..::::::-'-,_ ^ -" "~- /"|\ |")|")/"\"|" __ \_|"\|"\|"\\_/ | |--| /___ |")||")|_" ________| | `\ |" ||" |_ | `-----------' \|/ ' | | ||\/||")<" /"\|" /"/"\|\ | _____ '-. .--..,__ |_\_/| ||" _> \_/|" \_\_/|"\|_ ) ===->{::::.. _`:- / .-' `""""'` |/_ (@) ` <""|"|/"| /<" >==-=-=-=-=-==-< (@) (@) _> | |\_|"\_> (@) (@) >=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=< \ __, \______/| =======.==. _=-_-"-_|=_=`\_________________________ /___ |")|")/"\/"\|\/| _=_=-_-"| -=_=)========================` `\ |")|"\\_/\_/| | =_jgs=_|=_-./ ^ ======='=='` (J U S T B E C A R E F U L W H E R E Y O U P U T T H E C A R R O T !) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) jgs '-' '--'