To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | January 17, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Some times a bit risqué but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. / \__ \ Your Doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy |/` `\| on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. ( x . x ) \ _ / '._.' St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared .--' '--. for what should be an eventful time. This /` `\ guide should answer the most common questions / \_._|_._/ \ in regard to your procedure. Please call your / /| |\ \ doctor's office if you have any further ques- / .' | -:- | '. \ tions. Please remember, autopsies are per- \ \ | -:- | / / formed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, \ \_|___.___|_/ / or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to \ \| |/ / cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department ``| . |`` requires 24 hours notice. ;___|___| | | | What is an autopsy? | | | ( | ) As advanced as medical science is, sometimes | | | we need more thorough procedures to find out | | | why your living status has been impaired. An jgs_.-' | '-._ autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and oooO/ \Oooo surgical evaluation. Will it involve Surgery? Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, sur- gery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure. Will it hurt? We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist. What should I bring? We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be dis- posed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested. When can I return to work? Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy. Will I have a scar? We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional. Will you laugh at my weenie? Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand. We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information. Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-._ Along time ago there was this little Italian boy | | | |_ in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's | | | | | hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things _ | | | | | with your hands, tell me about your fingers." \`\| '-._ | \ \`-.'-._; "Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first \ ' | finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea \ .` / you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa jgs | | for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?" Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' " _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .| | | |'| ._____ ___ | | |. |' .---"| _ .-' '-. | | .--'| || | _| | .-'| _.| | || '-__ | | | || | |' | |. | || | | | | || | ___| '-' ' "" '-' '-.' '` |____ jgs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day working on the fifty-third floor. At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling. He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick." "Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 min- utes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week." "I tell ya what" says the foreman. "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do." Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss. Meanwhile the phone rings inside. The foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it. Needless to say Joey falls and dies. The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder. The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of what hap- pened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says, "you know what I think? I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quar- reling lovers." The foreman incensed, stands up and yells "what the hell kinda crap is that?" "Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming where'd that cock sucker go?!'" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ ___(|'. `\ A Frenchman bought a new pair of boots of (|'. `\ ; | which he was very proud so he decided to | : | ; | go dancing in a New Year's Eve party and | ; |.' | give them a try. After dancing with one |.' |-. '. lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you /`-. '.:_ `'-. I can guess the color of your panties." jgs \ :_ `'-.----' `"""` `-----' "O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?" "Blue", he replied. "How did you know that?" she asked? "I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots", he said. "Here" she said "dance with my sister an tell what color she has on", the lady said. After dancing a few minutes the Frenchman started rubbing toes on his pant cuffs an started to dance again. After a few minutes he ask the lady "what color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out." To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on." With a sign of relief the young man said, "oh good, for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \___ \_, A man and a woman are standing side by ___\_ | __, side waiting for a bus when they get to .'.--. ```-./ talking. `....--'.'''.-p./ ({{ }<=-= ( < "Say," said the woman."Do you have a .''''--.`...'-b`\ hobby?" jgs `._____...-'\__ ___/ _| ` "Yeah, I'm a bee keeper." / / ` "Well, you must live in the country then." "Nope, right here in the city." "Really? You must have a large house then." "Nope, apartment." "Geez, where do you keep'm?" "A shoe box in my closet." "A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?" "Couple thousand, something like that." "Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!" "Screw'em, I hate bees." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to unsubscribe@funnybone.com and instructions | | for unsubscribing will be e-mailed back to you. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright © 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'