To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | February 7, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risqué but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ Ask Dr. Science .'`__ '. / / \ \ What exactly is gravity? \ `-'/ /--. jgs /'-=-'` ( __") Gravity is made by the Gravco Corporation ~~~~~~~ `""""""""` in Greenwich, Connecticut, a small mom-and- pop operation that has supplied the world's gravitational needs for thousands of years. The recipe for gravity is a secret, protected by seventeen patents, but some of the process is public knowledge. Take twelve parts Elmer's glue, four parts centrifugal force, five parts electromagnetic radiation; stir in a bag of snips, snails, and puppy dog tails, calico, gingham, the smiles of a summer night--it's all kind of sappy and sentimental, really, but it beats floating off into the vacuum of space and imploding. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science .-"-. .' '. Is sitting in a barbershop’s barber chair between | | two mirrors a true reflection of the idea of infinity? \ / [_______] Just as the revolving red-and-white-striped barber |##' ,| pole is a corruption of certain Egyptian symbols of |#' ,#| infinity, barbershop mirrors face each other to give |' ,##| mere mortals a taste of the infinite. In the old | ,###| days you could get a taste of the infinite and a |,###'| quick trim for four bits. Nowadays we don't have |###' | barbers; we have hair stylists. A quick trim takes |##' ,| an hour, costs you thirty bucks, and the only thing |#' ,#| you see in the mirror is yourself. Hair stylists all |'_,##| have names like Ramon or Pepsi or Bambi, and they [_______] have no sense of perspective. I'm afraid that the \ / cheap haircut, like infinity itself, is fast becom- jgs | | ing a thing of the past. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science _ / \ Can you describe in scientific terms the workings /===\ of a lava lamp? / . ;,\ / .. \ Yes, I can and I will. The lava lamp contains a | .:.:. | small blob of DNA floating in a solution of RNA. \.::::/ These primitive laboratories for life are acti- /"""""\ vated by a simple sixty-watt bulb. Warmed, the jgs/_______\ blob starts swimming, hunting, yearning-hoping to fill the empty spot inside. Driven by the four horsemen (remorse, terror, greed, and, of course, envy), this blob opts to remain ever un evolved. You see, lava lamps are creatures without the courage to be truly alive. Like college professors, they remain forever in a tepid amniotic limbo. They provide little in the way of illumination and are stared at by adolescents with nothing better to do. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. _\___/_ Are diskettes actually female disks? )\_/( / \ If you accidentally eat plastic fruit, / \ do you throw up that wacky fake vomit? / \ /~~~~~~~~~~~\ jgs / \ Dr. Science has been answering these and ( ) other pressing questions on radio stations `-------------' worldwide for over 15 years. Now you can get a free daily dose of his whiz-dumb via email. It's easy to subscribe. Just end a blank message to info@drscience.com or visit his website. http://www.drscience.com/ Act today and find out why sandwiches taste better when cut diagon- ally, what happens when fish sneeze, and whether golf is really the antithesis of science. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science __..._ _...__ Why do magazines have all those _..-" `Y` "-._ little cards that fall on the floor \ | / when you open them? \\ | // \\\ | /// The publishers of magazines have no \\\ _..---.|.---.._ /// concern for the reading public. They jgs \\`_..---.Y.---.._`// want you to think you can get maga- '` `' zines only by subscription or at news- stands. This is simply not true. Those cards are magazine babies, or seeds. Plant them, nurture them, and in six weeks' time you'll have a ripe TV Guide or Reader's Digest. In two months' time you'll have Time or Newsweek. After six months you'll have a mature Playboy, Esquire, or Vanity Fair. You must water them carefully, however, or you could end up with a small-town newspaper or one of those real estate guides from the Laundromat. And if you leave them in the ground too long, you'll end up with a novel by Dostoyevsky, in Russian. Happy garden- ing! _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science _ _ I'm a foreign film addict. When you ).\ (o) watch a foreign movie that’s been dub- \`,/~/\___ bed, where do the original voices go? ,/ \, .-./ | ... \._ /| They don't go anywhere. As you know, | o |_| |__} ._III | when you wake up foreigners in the '-' | ,/ \| middle of the night, they talk normal. `-------' So essentially there are two versions || of any foreign movie: one released in || foreign gibberish and one shot in the || middle of the night after the for- || eigners have been rudely awakened. As a //\\ sop to liberals and people who think //||\\ a thing has an intrinsic value because // || \\ it's French, the foreign-language ver- // || \\ sion is the one that's usually released, // || \\ with subtitles--so you can feel like // || \\ jgs you're reading at the movies, thus kill- ==== ==== ==== ing two pretentious birds with one stone. Don't be fooled. All of these movies are shot in New Jersey. Nobody really talks like that. It's all a sham, and foreign movie fans are just victims of a massive con game. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science .-. Why isn't a telephone conversation backward / ,`\_ for one of the callers? | /-'/ \ | \-.\_/ The words are backward for both callers, but in \ ` / the audio equivalent of an optical illusion, the ;-;` ear automatically adjusts. The telephone operates .-.| | the same way as a two-way mirror. Your image or {|=|| | voice is reversed on the surface or speaker, but / \| |`;, the person on the other side sees or hears you '---; | `; normally. So any telephone company is, in ef- | | ,; fect, a hall of mirrors. With all those voices | | ;' it's easy to become confused. The dial tone was .-' '-;, invented as a kind of mantra to soothe you in jgs [ (__)]; the cacophony. It is only the dial tone that `"""""""` keeps telephone operators from becoming hopelessly insane. It was also for health reasons, not financial, that the fed- eral government broke up AT&T. And now, with answering machines and cordless cellular phones, we face a greater threat to our sanity than we have ever know. I have tried to speak to the surgeon general about this, but the line is always busy. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ask Dr. Science ((`\ I've heard that rabbits are adept at multi- ___ \\ '--._ plying. Can they also add and subtract? .'` `' o ) / \ '. __.' Rabbits, of course, are the idiot _| /_ \ \_\_ savants of the animal kingdom, jgs {_\______\-'\__\_\ eclipsed only by worms and starlings in their mathematical ability. In fact, the latest computers employ ranks of worms doing the simple digital calculations, and the starl- ings roost above them resulting in those weird clicking sounds you sometimes hear, as they control the path of information flow with their droppings. Rabbits were simply unsuccessful in this because they ate too much, bred too quickly and tended to run away in search of adventure or an aggressive start-up. _ courtesy www.drscience.com _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to unsubscribe@funnybone.com and instructions | | for unsubscribing will be e-mailed back to you. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. 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