To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | February 21, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risqué but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) 30 Minutes to a Cleaner House You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of house- keeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. ,OO.--. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS ,O //\ '--------. O \O/ .-,-,-,-,-' If a room clearly can't be whipped into O, ,O--' shape in 30 days, much less 30 minutes, 'O.-O. employ the Locked Door Method of clean- jgs /<__>\ ing. Tell anyone who tries to go in the \ / room that you accidentally locked the '. | door and can't find the key. < | < | Of course, the locksmith can't possibly <_/ come until tomorrow. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds ,-"""""""-, SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE ; '-----' ;-. , |`"""""""`|_ '.__.-'| No home should be without an ample '._______.' '._ _.-' supply. Not only is it handy for `` plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about any- thing you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. ___ .' _ '. Time: 3 minutes / /` `\ \ | | [__] SECRET TIP 8: DISHES | | {{ | | }} Don't use them. _ | | _ {{ Use plastic and you won't ___________<_>_| |_<_>}}________ have to. .=======^=(___)=^={{====. / .----------------}}---. \ Time: 1 minute / /| {{ |\ \ / / | }} | \ \ SECRET TIP 9: ( '=========================' ) CLOTHES WASHING jgs '-----------------------------' This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. ___________ .;---------./| CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for // S O A P // | teens and those who don't care if they |'---------'| / get in a car wreck. jgs | | / '-----------'` Time: 3 seconds SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair) SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING ( (,) The key here is low, low, and lower. |~~'~~| It's not only romantic, but bad lighting | | can hide a multitude of dirt. .--|_____|--. jgs '.___________.' Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING ()___ ()//__/)_________________() Get an old-fashioned waterbed. ||(___)//#/_/#/_/#/_/#()/|| No one can tell if those things ||----|#| |#|_|#|_|#|_|| || are made up or not, saving you, ||____|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|#||/|| oh, hundreds of seconds over jgs || |#|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|| the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 .----------------. ;----------------; SECRET TIP 14: | ~~ .------. | SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS | / \ | | / \ | Forget one and two. | | | | ,----. Concentrate on three. | \ , , / | =|____|= '---,########,---' (---( Time: 1 minute /##' '##\ )---) |##, ,##| (---( SECRET TIP 15: \'######'/ '---` \`""""`/ If you already knew at least |`""`| 10 of these tips, don't even .-| |-. think about inviting a Martha jgs / ' ' \ Stewart type to your home. '----------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) You Can Make A Difference! .=. /_/\\ Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. \6.6/ You see, there is a starving little boy in ( _ ) Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, _)-(_ no parents, and no willie. This little boy's / `~` \ life could be saved, because for every time you \/ \/ pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the | | Little Starving Legless Armless Willieless Boy |___| from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. | | jgs |_|_| Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accident- ally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Have a nice day and thanks for caring. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened."The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are overtaxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed .-o=o-. disposal, drawing me into , /=o=o=o=\ .--. its gnashing metal teeth. _|\|=o=O=o=O=| \ It was our new kitty, __.' a`\=o=o=o=(`\ / clawing playfully at the '. a 4/`|.-""'`\ \ ;'`) .---. dangling objects she spied ) .' / .--' | / / .-._) between my legs. She '\ _.' / /`-;__.' / ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") jgs '--.____.\ /--.___.-' had been poised around the `""` corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulner- able, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needlelike claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense dan- ger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rec- tify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. __ __, When I awoke, my wife and the \,`~"~` / paramedics stood over me. .-=-. / . .\ Having been fully briefed by / .-. \ { = Y}= my wife, the paramedics (_/ \ \ \ / snorted as they tried to \ \ _/`'`'`b conduct their work while \ `.__.-'` \-._ suppressing their hysterical | '.__ `'-;_ laughter. My wife told me I | _.' `'-.__) should be flattered. \ ;_..--'/ // \ | / / | // | At the office, colleagues tried jgs \ \ \__) \ // / to coax an explanation out of me. \__) '.// .' I kept silent, claiming it was too `'-'` painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known... _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) It seems that an elephant got too _..-. close to all the baby ducks the .' `\ __ circus had brought in for Easter, / a ) \` '-. and accidentally inhaled a bunch / _,/ ) \ of them. The poor elephant was |= /| `---' |\ choking on them and no one could | | \ \-.__\ / ` help. /_/ / / / \ \ | jgs /__|_| |_|__| (Ever tried doing the Heimlich on a pachyderm?) Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunk full of downy feathers. Yep! THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR SNORTING QUACK. .--. _/aa \ \__\ | ) ( , / `-----'\ | --. | .-\ --' /-. jgs `'.-_.-_-,_-._-.-'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .::::, A very large man walks into a bar looking {{{{{;}}}} for a fight. He sits down right in the {{{{/ `}}}}} middle and orders a beer, drinks it, slams {}}}}} _ _| the glass down and says "everybody on my {{(`--(./-\.) left is a no good sonofabitch." {| _\ | | \ __ / Nobody says anything cause the guy is huge. | '.__/ .'` \ |_ He orders another beer,drinks it, slams jgs '-__ / `- his glass down and says "everybody on my right is a no good queer faggot. Nobody says a word. Just then he hears these footsteps behind him, he whips around in his stool and says "where are you going boy?" the little faggot looks up at him and says "I'm sorry sir, I'm on the wrong side!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subcribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright © 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'