To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | February 28, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risqué but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic? ,____ |---.\ First, we postulate that if souls exist, ___ | ` then they must have some mass. If they / .-\ ./=) do, then a mole of souls can also have a | |"|_/\/| mass. So, at what rate are souls moving ; |-;| /_| into hell and at what rate are souls / \_| |/ \ | leaving? I think that we can safely / \/\( | assume that once a soul gets to hell, | / |` ) | it will not leave. Therefore, no souls / \ _/ | are leaving. /--._/ \ | `/|) | / As for souls entering hell, let's / | | look at the different religions .' | | that exist in the world today. jgs / \ | Some of these religions state that (_.-.__.__./ / if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. (_)L|J Of course, if hell is expanding at a ) (") | ( rate faster than the increase of souls ,(. A `/ \-| (,`) in hell, then the temperature and )' (' \/\ / | ) (. pressure will drop until hell freezes jgs (' ),). _W_ | (,)' ) over. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) GREEN EGGS & HAMLET @@@@@@@@ @@_ _@@ I ask to be, or not to be. @ o\ /o @ That is the question, I ask of me. ( > ) This sullied life, it makes me shudder. \ == / My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother. .--\____/--. Would I, could I take my life? .---\ '----' /----. Could I, should I, end this strife? / `-. .-' \ Should I jump out of a plane? jgs Or throw myself before a train? _________ Should I from a cliff just leap? [_________] Could I put myself to sleep? | .-. | Shoot myself, or take some poison? |,(o.o).| ?? Maybe try self immolation? | >|n|< | To shudder off this mortal coil, |` `"` `| I could stab myself with a fencing foil. |POISON!| Slash my wrists while in the bath? `"""""""` Would it end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub. ___ __ I could drop a toaster in my tub. .-( )) ))--. Would all be glad, if I were dead? |"""""""""""|| Could I perhaps kill them instead? | || This line of thought takes consideration - | || For I'm the king of procrastination. .==='----_------' (______.-(_= _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) '\ . . |>18>> \ . ' . | O>> . 'o | \ . | /\ . | / / .' | jgs^^^^^^^`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday ...and not too many weeks thereafter, just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church, and there wasn't a pew available; several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and stage- whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back." The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?" "Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister, but the usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face. Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated. The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshippers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Top 15 Dishes Prepared with Household Pets 15> Angelfish Cake .-o=o-. 14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye , /=o=o=o=\ .--. 13> Chow Chow Mein _|\|=o=O=o=O=| \ 12> Bran Muffy __.' a`\=o=o=o=(`\ / 11> Eggs BenjiDict '. a 4/`|.-""'`\ \ ;'`) .---. 10> Yorkieshire pudding \ .' / .--' |_.' / .-._) 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs `) _.' / /`-.__.' / 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket jgs `'-.____; /'-.___.-' 7> Shrimp Cockatiel `"""` 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas and the Number 1 Dish Prepared with Household Pets... 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes _,=.=,_ ,'=. `\___, / \ (0 | / \ ___/ | | \) ', _/ .--' `"`; ( [[[[]]_..,_ / .--""``\\ .' .\,,|| ( .' -""`| `""` |\ / __| \| .-' `\ \ _ | jgs ( .-' ) `""""""""""""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together." "Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own." ' . ' . . . : . . '. ______ .' ' _.-"` `"-._ ' .' '. `'--. / \ .--'` / \ ; ; - -- | | -- - | _. | ; /__`A ,_ ; .-' \ |= |;._.}{__ / '-. _.-""-|.' # '. ` `.-"{}<._ / 1938 \ \ x `" ----/ \_.-'|--X---- -=_ | | |- X. =_ - __ |_________|_.-'|_X-X## jgs `'-._|_|;:;_.-'` '::. `"- .:;. .:. ::. '::. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \\\\\\// My friend is very fat. So his wife put \\\ \ him on a garlic diet. This doesn't \\