To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | May 9, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _..._ Things Mom Would Never Say .'`_{@},`'. / .' *{@}. \ |/ \| "How on earth can you see the TV ||_._._._._|| sitting so far back?" | |=(. .)=| | ) | ^ | ( _ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too" /\_/ \ '-' / \_| \ | .-`'---'`-. \` | "Just leave all the lights on... \ |===========| / / it makes the house look more cheery" '/ \|=======|/\/ / /\|\___/ / |======/ \ / "Let me smell that shirt -- \__.____/ /-o---'\ `` , Yeah, it's good for another week" .-'/ /..--'| ; ( .--' ; "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, | '. /-.-, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk \ '. / | \ him every day" \ ;. ; | < jgs | \'._ / \ / / "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, / \ ` `'-' that's good enough for me." '-._____.' /___..-| "The curfew is just a general time to \___/\_/ shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here." "I don't have a tissue with me...just use your sleeve" "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ Grandma Jones from the valley had never experien- (___) ced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it /` `\ kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her / /"\ \ to the hospital for observation. \_/o o\_/ ( _ ) By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma `\ /` tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about /\\V//\ everything: the temperature, the lights, the / /_ _\ \ skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - \ \___/ / especially, the mattress. \/===\/ || || Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item || || with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" ||___|| she demanded. |_____| jgs ||| "If you need anything in the middle of the / Y \ night, Grandma," said one of the interns, `"`"` "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. There was a virgin that was going out (_---_) on a date for the first time and she (_/6 6\_) told her grandmother about it. ( v ) `\ /' Her grandmother says, "Sit here and .-'': ;``-. let me tell you about those young / \,Y./ \ boys. He is going to try to kiss / (:)___ \ you; you are going to like that, : .-'XXX`-.`\_; but don't let him do that." `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ / / XXX \ \ `\_ She continued, "He is going / XXX \ `\ to try to feel your breast; / XXX \ _`\___ you are going to like that, jgs / \ (`--"""-') but don't let him do that. / \ (=-=-=-=-) `--...___ ___...--' (________) He is going to try to put his ``` hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .======================================. | ___ ___ ___ _ _ _ | | \_/ \_/ \_/ C|||C|||C||| |-| |-| |-| | | _|_ _|_ _|_ ||| ||| ||| |_| |_| |_| | '=====================================,sSSSSs ,sSSS` "> .:. SSSS@ =) \~/ C|||' SSSSS_(_ _Y_ ___|||______________________________SS/ _)_) /.- [____________________________________< \ /\// | ____ ____ ____ ____ | \|==(\_/ | (____) (____) (____) (____) | (/ ; | | | | | | | | | | |____| | | | | | | | | | | \ |\ | | | | | | | | | | ) ) ) | |____| |____| |____| |____| | ( |/ | I====I I====I I====I I====I | /\ | jgs | | | | | | | | | /.(=\ Y\_\ A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me." The bartender says, "It won't work." "What do you mean, it won't work?" "That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!" "Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?" "Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish fly." "So, what the hell is Jewish fly?" "I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?" "Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink. Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! You excite me so much... take me shopping!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ .--._,' `\ A man wrote a letter to a small (__.' '-, / hotel in a Midwest town, which /_ _ \ he planned to visit on his __|e)e) | vacation. .'_ ; ,`) | (_) | /_.----._.' / He wrote, "I would very much \_/\___/ ,d8` \ like to bring my dog with me. / .-\\,oo8P` ; He is well groomed and very | / |;"` | well behaved. Would you be | | || , _ /`'. willing to permit me to keep \ './/'\. .' /.--;'-. | him in my room with me at '--'.-._;' .' .-' /'-;` \ night?" (((. .-'\ (((_.' \ ) jgs '._).'`--' `-` An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. .-.\ / .-. After a two year long study, The National \ /|=| \ / Science Foundation announced the following |=| \ |=| results on Corporate America's recreation / \ ---./ \ preferences. | / .. \ | _.-=""=-._ | |# ' | | _...._ .'\\-++++-//'. jgs '._\ /_.' .'.o' o.'. ( || || ) '---' /o o .o' o'\ '.// \\.' |'.o 'o. o'.o| `'-=..=-'` jgs |o. o' o 'o .| \ o .o.'o'./ 1. The sport of choice for unemployed people '._o__o_.' is: BASKETBALL \ / 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level || employees is: BOWLING || 3. The sport of choice for front line workers || is: FOOTBALL || 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: || BASEBALL jgs || 5. The sport of choice for middle management \/ is: TENNIS 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers CONCLUSION: is: GOLF The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. Miss Jones had been giving her second- (_,/\ \ grade students a lesson on science. (`a a( ) She had explained about magnets and ) \= ) ( showed how they would pick up nails (.--' '--.) and other bits of iron. / ( \_/ ) \ | / \ / \ | Now it was question time and she asked, \\ /~~~\ // "My name begins with the letter `M' \/ \/ and I pick up things. What am I?" | | | | A little boy on the front row said, |_______| "You're a mother." ( ( |\ \ jgs | \ \ /_Y/_Y _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? _._ + , ( ) ( ) , [UU] T\ (^) / \ / \ (^) /T [UU] () || |\) / \ | | | | / \ (/| || () {} {} {} { } { } { } { } {} {} {} jgs {__}{__}{__}{___}{___}{___}{___}{__}{__}{__} _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) H A P P Y M O T H E R' S D A Y 1 9 9 9 ____ |\ /| .' `". | Y | is for the million things she gave me, / | \ ___ | \__.-, (_, / \ \ /` 9 `\ / \___/ means only that she is growing old, ,_ )| 9 . |` _____ \'. '.\ ,_/ / | _\ \.--.'.___.' `'. | is for the tears she shed to save me, .-' _` a \.--, .' | `""` \ a K ; ,-'\ _.;_ |___| '.__,. (__.'`-._ ) | | is for her heart of purest gold; (_/\ '-. /_ ___ ;-._)-._/ _) |__ / `` \ |___ is for her eyes, with love-light shining, '-._______.-' ___ |_ |_ | |___) | | | | \ means right, and right she'll always be, |__;__/ .-"'-'|--\ Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER", '.___,_|""| A word that means the world to me. jgs \__/ -Howard Johnson _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'