To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | May 23, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Dear Sirs, ) ( I am writing to complain about the ) performance of one of your products, ,.------,---. to wit: Bigelow I Love Lemon Herb Tea. ((| \_ | .--\ [_]/--. Having recently sampled said item in a '._ '========' _.' culinary context, I am convinced that jgs `""""""""""""` it is the most unappealing, tasteless, and unprofessional tea I have ever encountered. This tea breaks all previously-conceived boundaries of the concept bland. It invokes in the drinker a level of excitement usually asso- ciated with shoelace collections or counting one's own armpit hairs. I notice that the tea is classified as "Herb Tea" rather than an "Herbal Tea," and that Herb has traditionally been a name denoting banal, tedious people. Another tumbler of the Bigelow corporate lock falls into place. The outer wrapper of the tea bag - whose taste may be compared favor- ably to that of the tea itself - is colored yellow. One may conjec- ture that this represents some twisted attempt to conjure associations with other objects that R.C. Bigelow, Inc. regards as the paradigm of tastiness, such as fire hydrants, old math textbooks, and yield signs. A quick glance at the packages of some of your other herbal tea pro- ducts confirms our suspicions. One tea package depicts a small cat, playfully clawing a ball or mouse or small child, while your propag- andistic legend assures us the paragon of beverages is contained with- in. What sort of bald faced nonsequitor is this? The only thing a cat and tea have in common is that one dislikes being immersed in the other. Clearly, your marketing skills are equivalent to your prowess at tea making, which is probably on level with the cat's. (\ In short, I find I Love Lemon Herb Tea )) )\\ a thoroughly detestable product, and (( / .( recommend changing its name to I Used \\.-"```"'` =_/= To Love Lemon Until I Drank This Herb > , / Tea. In view of its exceeding worth- \ )__.\ | lessness as a viable drink, it is diff- > / / ||\\ icult not to inductively extend this jgs \\ \\ \\ \\ condemnation to include the entire pro- `" `" `" `" duct line of R.C. Bigelow, Inc. However, if I were sent a free sample of each of your other tea pro- ducts, I might be able to constrain my loathing to this particular specimen, and not gallop through the streets of Pittsburgh howling obscenities about your company and your activities, which, as you know, it exceedingly deleterious to healthy public relations. Sincerely, Michael Shapiro _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""""""-. Sex Related Medical Facts .' '. / O O \ 1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, : : but only 17 to smile. | | : ', ,' : 2. Sex makes you alert and ready \ '-.____.-' / to face the world... it's an '. U .' ideal substitute for a hot jgs '-......-' breakfast. ____ __..--"".--.`""--..__ 3. The greater the orgasm, _..--" _.--/ \''--. "--.. the deeper the sleep. .' .--. '-..-' ) (``\ '. Multiple orgasms (20 or | .--''/ \-'''-. __.-' _.' ) | more per hour) can induce ;\ ( '-..-' ) _.-' _.-' /; a coma and near-fusion \'-:-._ _.._.-''` ( ,.-' _.-'/ with the mattress. '-._ ``--`..___ __:.--''``_.-' jgs ``--..___ ````` __..--`` ````````` 4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle. 5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy. 6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipula- tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time. _.-. 7. A single ejaculation, .-. `) | .-. especially from a man, _.'`. .~./ \.~. .`'._ contains enough sperm .-' .'.'.'.-| |-.'.'.'. '-. cells to fertilize `'`'`'`'` \ / `'`'`'`'` every woman in the /||\ .'\ .-"'. United States Marine _//||\\._ \ \/ (_) ) Corps. .' `. '..' ,-..' ___, /.' / \'\ \ 8. Oral sex is a great way ', | | '-. .-; | \.' to firm the lower face. / |' | '.\ | | | | ;`''. | 9. After 16 steady hours of | \ \ ( / / sex, it is wise to check \ '.'`'. '-, ;' your insurance policy. ) .'``'-:__;-' <_.-, `._;-._ 10. "Where am I?" should not `-.,_ / be considered an abnormal jgs `\/ response to immense orgasm. 11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor. 12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack. 13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner. _....,_ _,...._ 14. You know that you've had _.-` _,..,_'. .'_,..,_ `-._ too much sex when your _,-`/ o \ '. .' / o \`-,_ life begins to flash jgs '-.\___/.-` `-.\___/.-' before your eyes. 15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes. 16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand. 17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight. _ _(_)_ 18. Thirty percent of our body heat (_)o(_) escapes through the head (wear a .-="=-. /(_) hat during sex). / \ .[>o<]====|-. 19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant- ( `"""""""` ) hill, for example) builds endurance. jgs `~~~~~~~~~~~` 20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet. 21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash. 22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets. 23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,;;;;, This woman has her bridge club every Thurs- ((/))))), day night and after a peaceful game or two (((/\))))), with the ladies, she goes home to fix her ((( ^.^ ))) husband dinner when he gets home from work. `"\ = /"` Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great _/'-'\_ game and she has an incredible hand when /` '._.' `\ she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to /\( Y )/\ go fix my husband his dinner! He's going / /`\-' '-/`\ \ to be so angry if it's not ready on time." \ \ ) ( / / And she dashes out of her friend's house, `\\/ \//` her great hand forgotten on the table. (/ \) | | When she gets home, she realizes she has \_______/ very little time, not enough time to go \_ | _/ to the supermarket, and all she has in / / \ \ the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, | | | | an egg, and a can of cat food. In a jgs |/ \| panic, she opens the can of cat food, /=\ /=\ stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with `-' '-` the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great! Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified. "You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends. Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" , /(( The wife stoically replied... _.---. .' `\ .' ` ^ T= "Ahh, I didn't kill him. / \ .--' He fell off the mantel when | / )'-. he was licking his ass." ; , <__..-( '-.) \ \-.__) ``--._) jgs '.'-.__.-. '-...-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \\///// |. .| A little fella walks into a bar. ( _\ | Unfortunately there is a pile | = | of dog shit just inside the |\___/ door, and he slips in it and ___/| \__ falls over. He gets up, /` | '----' |`\ \\\\\\, cleans himself up and walks / | | \ _/'' \\\ to the bar and buys a drink. /~% | ; \ \ D / /\/ |`\ \ \_ / A great big man then \ \ | | / / <\ />,_ enters the bar. `\ \| |/ /` / \Y/ /` \ `\; |/` || # | | He slips in the same pile (| |) || # | | of shit, falls, gets up, |_________| || # | | cleans up and buys a drink. | | | ||=[]=| | | | | || |__| The little guy turns to the |____|__| //| | /||\ big guy and, trying to strike \ | | | | | up a conversation, points to | ) ) | | | the pile by the door and says, / | | ( ( | "I just did that." |___|__| | | | \===|==| | | | The big guy punches him in / `-.`-. [_[___] the mouth. jgs \______)__) (_(____| _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. As a premed student at Washington ___ ( ) ___ University in St. Louis, I had to ,_.-' `'-| |-'` '-._, take a difficult class in physics. '. .-| |-. .' One day our professor was discussing `~~~~` |.') `~~~~` a particularly complicated concept. (_.| |._) A student rudely interrupted to ask |.') "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" (_.| |._) "To save lives" the professor ('.| responded quickly and continued |._) the lecture. jgs '-' _ ( ) \\ A few minutes later, the same student .--\\------. spoke up again. "So how does physics \:--------'/ save lives?" he persisted. \: _ / )|_)\_/( "It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical /:| \/ \ \ school," replied the professor. jgs /:. \ '-:.____..-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""-. .' \ Dogbert: "Hey, mister, why are you so glum?" / / |-()() ; | | ()| Stranger: "I've lost face at my job..." | `"` | ,_| | | | Dogbert: "You'll get over it." `-; (_} ; '., __.' Stranger: "You don't understand... I'm a / /| | plastic surgeon... I actually jgs / / | | lost somebody's face." (__) (__) Dogbert: "Bummer." - Scott Adams _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'