To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | May 30, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ (( )_, Management Review of Writing Style .--. \ '/ ) / \= QUESTION: How many feet do mice have? ( / _/ `| )_ jgs `"""` Original reply: Mice have four feet. Management comment: Elaborate! Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage! Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail. _ _ Comment: What? Feet with no legs? (\ (c)_)_ \\ ) ee\_ Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet )) \ \___=D= and one tail per unit-mouse. (( / _ / \_ \\/ (/| |\) Comment: Confusing -- is that a total \ /_ /_ of 9 appendages? jgs `"""""`""` Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue! Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO! Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. _ _ Comment: Too authoritative; stifles (q\_/p) creativity! .-. |. .| \ =\,/= Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each )/ _ \ |\ foot is attached to a small (/\):(/\ )\ leg joined integrally with jgs \_ _/ |Oo\ the overall mouse structural `""^""` `"""` sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet. _ _ (q\_/p) /. .\.-""""-. ___ =\_t_/= / `\ ( jgs )\ ))__ _\ |___) nn-nn` `nn---' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) April 15 was fast approaching and a young lady of the evening went to her tax preparer to file her income tax. Well when the conserva- tive young man started to fill out the forms, he asked, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a prostitute," the girl said unabashedly. The fellows face turned red and he stammered, "Oh, we can't say that on the form. Is there something else you can call yourself." The young woman thought for a moment and said, "You can put down that I'm a hooker." The young man's face got redder and he shook his head. "No, we can't say that either." The young woman thought for a moment and finally said, "All right, just put down that I'm a chicken farmer." The young man looked at her for a moment, an expression of perplexity spreading across his face. "A chicken farmer? Why a chicken farmer?" The young woman looked at him and replied, "Because I must have raised about 300 cocks last year." .".".". (` `) _.-=-. '._.--.-; .-` -' '. .-'`.o ) \ / .-_.--' `\ `;---) \ ; / / ;' _-_.-' ` `;"` ; \ ; . .' _-' \ ( ) | | / .-.-' -` '-.-' \ | .' ` '.-'-\` /_./\_.|\_\ ; ' .'-'.-. / '-._ \` / _;-, | .-=-.;-._ \ -'-, \ / `";`-`,-"`) \ \ '-- `\.\ '. '._ '-- '--'/ `-._ `'----'`; `"""--.____,/ \\ \ // /` ___// /__ jgs (`(`(---"-`) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people... I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but i never saw him bring a gun. ,;:;;, One morning I went out and met him and asked ;;;;; him if he was trapping them squirrels. He said .=', ;:;;:, "No, I just ugly them to death". Well, i told /_', "=. ';:;:; him I never heard of such a thing and he invited @=:__, \,;:;:' me to come along and see how it was done. _(\.= ;:;;' `"_( _/="` Shortly after we entered the woods we jgs `"'`` spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's attention and when the squirrel looked Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out ,;;:;, of the tree and hit the ground, dead as a ;;;;; door nail. ,:;;:; ,'=. ;:;:;' .=" ,'_\ I told Thibodeaux "It is hard to believe ':;:;,/ ,__:=@ anybody can do that!" He said that it was ';;:; =./)_ no big deal he knew lots of people that jgs `"=\_ )_"` could do that. ``'"` He said "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don't let her hunt anymore, cause she messes up the meat too bad." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , , Two guys were having a drink in a pub. |\\\\ ////| | \\\V/// | "I feel so embarrassed" said the first. | |~~~| | "I walked into the library to borrow a book | |===| | and was so distracted by the librarian's breasts | |j | | that I asked her whether she had Dickens' | | g | | "A Sale of Two Titties". \ | s| / \|===|/ "Don't worry" said his mate. "Slips of the tongue '---' happen all the time. Only this morning at break- fast I had wanted to ask my wife to pass the margarine, instead of which I said "You bloody bitch, You ruined my life." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A mathematical limerick. _ 12 + 144 + 20 + 3 \/4 2 --------------------- + 5*11 = 9 + 0 7 Reads as: A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared, and not a bit more. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A farmer goes into a store to buy (\ }\ (\ }\ (\ }\ chicken wire... ( \_('> ( \_('> ( \_('> (__(=_) (__(=_) (__(=_) Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of jgs -"= -"= -"= chicken wire. Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter, not the yard. Farmer: (Thinks about it a moment) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire. Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes? _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. (_,/\ \ (`a a( ) ) \= ) ( Scientists have discovered that (.--' '--.) the humble sponge is the most / (_)^(_) \ intelligent creature on earth. | / \ / \ | They are the only creatures on \\ / . \ // the planet who have successfully \/\___/\/ managed to train thousands if not | \_/ | millions of gorgeous, hot, sexy \ / / women to rub them all over the \/ / hot, wet, steamy, naked bodies!! ( ( |\ \ jgs | \ \ /_Y/_Y _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) o o | \ | \ | A man conversing with his penis remarked, \.|-. (\| ) "I don't understand women!". .==================. | .--------------. | The penis responded - | |--.__.--.__.--| | | |--.__.--.__.--| | "Do you understand color television?" | |--.__.--.__.--| | | |--.__.--.__.--| | "No." | |--.__.--.__.--| | | '--------------'o| "So what's the problem?" jgs | LI LI """"""" o| '==================' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ \`\ _ A bear and a rabbit were sitting on a log, with \ \ /\ \ their butts hanging over, taking a crap. The \ V /\/ bear looked over at the rabbit and asked in a /. .\ friendly manner, "Gee, do you ever have a problem =\_T_/= with the shit sticking to your fur?" / \ (( )) The rabbit replied, "Why, no, I don't!" {/\) (/\ "Good," the bear said, as he grabbed the rabbit __\ /__ by the ears and wiped his ass with him. jgs (____/^\____) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'