To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | June 6, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _..--""````""--.._ How to Win Arguments (_ _;..--""````""--.._ \ ```"""----"""```(_ _) I argue very well. Ask '-. .-\ ```"""----"""``` / any of my remaining friends. `\ /` '-. .-' I can win an argument on any '-.__.-' `\ /` topic, against any opponent. || '-.__.-' People know this, and || || steer clear of me at || || parties. Often, as a || || sign of their great jgs _..--||--.._ || respect, they don't even (_ _) _..--||--.._ invite me. You too can win ```""""``` (_ _) arguments. Simply follow these rules: ```""""``` * Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. * Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." * Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865. You say You're begging the question. OR You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa. You say You're being defensive. * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons. .-""-._ / ___/ \ _&_ _.--""|/ `\| // \\ .' ( ^/ ^ )'. / / \ \ / | _ | \ // / \ \\ | _\____/ | /_/_/_\_\_\ | .' \____/-._ | .-"-. | / `; /# \ | / / _|_.---\ | | |.-.; :--.-(_/.____/.-""\___/"-. / \ / ~~/ /\ \{"=.______.="} /--. ; /___/_~~/ ; .--\"=...__...="} / \-/ `\______|/ \-.______..-; | /`| | \ | |||| || | /_ | |_______/ | |||| || | \_/| |-------' |--'||'--._|| | | | | || |> |______| |____________|._ || _..-;| | [___] | `||() || |______ |\/|____________|jgs|| () (__) \__/ (__) () _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-'--. .' '. A college student got hopelessly / _ `-. lost in the backwoods trying to / .\- \, , take a short-cut home for the ; .-|-' \####, holidays. He finally came upon a |, .-|-' ;#### lone farm house and saw an old man ,## ` ,|###" sitting on the front porch in a #,####, "#, ,#|^;# rocking chair. He went up to the `###### `#####,|##" |`)| old man to get directions. `##### ```o\`\o_.| ;\ (-`\#, .-'` |` : `; student: "Excuse me sir, but, could `\ ;\#, \ \-' you tell me how to get to )( \# C,_ \ ; Smithville ?"" (_, \ / `'./ | \ / | .-`'--'`. | old man: "Sorry, young fellow, but, jgs | ( \ , /_, | I never heered of it." \ ` `` / '-.__ // .' student: "Well, could you tell me how `'`.__.' to get back to the Interstate?" old man: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?" student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway." old man: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was one." student: "You sure don't know much about what's going on, do you?" old man: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost." student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had much schooling." old man: "Could be. Though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8." student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the smarter?" old man: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?" student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until one of us can't answer." old man: "And what did you say the stakes were?" student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's say one dollar a question." old man: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents." student: "That's fine with me. You start." old man: "Okay. What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog?" student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar. But, what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"" old man: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A newlywed couple checks into a hotel on their wedding night. The desk clerk gave them a room on the second floor. After dinner they returned to their room where the wife made a confession. "Honey, I'm a virgin. No man has ever seen me naked before and I don't know if I can handle it." The husband responded, "Don't worry. Here's what we'll do. I'll go into the bathroom and get ready while you stay out here and get ready. Then, you turn out the lights and I'll come out and we'll run and grab each other in the dark. Okay?" \\\\ She agreed and they set about getting ready. \c .( When the husband was undressed, he called out \ _/ to his wife, "Honey? are you ready?" ___/( /( /--/ \\// "Yes!" __ )/ /\/ \/ `-.\ //\\ "Okay, then turn out the light!" \\// \\ __ \/ \\ ."` `". She did so and he stepped out \\ / \ of the bathroom. They then ran jgs '--` | .-..-. | toward each other. Now, their \ \ / / eyes hadn't adjusted to the dark yet and so they '.____.' ended up running right past each other. The husband {_.="} had been running so fast that he went right through jgs {_.="} the window and landed in a briar patch out on the `-..-` hotel lawn. For the next two hours, he was screaming for help but no one came. Finally the hotel manager came out and saw him. "Sir! Sir! I'm so dreadfully sorry this happened to you. Are you all right?" "Yeah, I think so. Why did it take so long for you to get here?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry about that. But everyone else is up on the second floor watching a woman who somehow got stuck on a doorknob!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-. /_ _\ |o^o| \ _ / Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and .-'-'-. a dark side, and it holds the universe together. The /`) . (`\ only difference is that "May The Force be with you" / /|.-'-.|\ \ sounds a lot nicer than \ \| (_) |/ / .-""-. "May you be covered in duct tape." \_\'-.-'/_/ /[] _ _\ /_/ \_/ \_\ _|_o_LII|_ |'._.'| / | ==== | \ | | | |_| ==== |_| \_|_/ ||" || || |-|-| ||LI o || jgs |_|_| ||'----'|| /_/ \_\ /__| |__\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) "Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new _ __ _ __ answering machine is in the shop for repairs, ( ' )) ( ' )) so please leave your message when the toast | || | || is done .... {Cachunk!}" `"""`` `"""`` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ ___ The old nurse says to the young ,_ / _,\ /,_ \ _, nurse: "When I gave Mr. Smith | \ \( \| |/ )/ / | his bath, I noticed something | \_ \\ // _/ | very strange. He has the word (_ \_) \ / ( / _) "SWAN" tattooed on his penis. (\_ ` \ / ` _/) The young nurse said, "That's jgs ,\ -=~ / \ ~=- /, odd, when I gave him his bath, ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ it said "SASKATCHEWAN". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. /``'. A ten-year-old girl walks into / \ .---. | \ the pharmacy and asks the | |/ `;--. | chemist, "Do you fit diaphragms?" \ /\ / \.' '--' '----| | .'``\ Shocked, he replies, "Why, yes, jgs .'``\ \ / .-""-: | but..." / | '--' / \ / | / .-""-. /--' She says, "Then go wash your hands '--' / \---' and get me a dollar's worth of jelly \ / beans!" '----' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-._ | | | |_ Go over to a flat chested girl and say to her | | | | | "Would you wear gloves if you had no hands??" | | | | | _ | '-._ | She then will say "no". \`\`-.'-._; \ ' | So you say "So why do you wear a bra then??" \ .` / At this point it's advisable to run away. jgs | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'