To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | July 4, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) It is the Olympic men's figure skating. _ Out comes the Russian competitor he __ ( } skates around to some classical music '---. _`---, in a slightly dull costume performs some ___/ / excellent leaps but with out any great /,---'\\ artistic feel for the music. // jgs '== The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8 _ Russia 5.9 United States 5.5 Ireland 6.0 { ) __ ,---'_ .---' Next comes the American competitor in a \ \___ sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating //'---,\ to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd \\ clapping, but technically not so good as the jgs ==' Russian slightly miss landing a triple Salchow and losing the center during a spin. But artistically a more satis- fying performance. The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8 Russia 5.5 United States 5.9 Ireland 6.0 Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. Tries to get up staggers a few paces then slips again. Spends his entire 'routine' getting up then slipping over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tatty and bleeding mess. The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0 Russia 0.0 United States 0.0 Ireland 6.0 The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0" To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippy out there" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ These 2 golfers were relaxing in the lounge at .:'o o ':. the golf course when a friend of theirs walked // o o o \\ in. He looked quite distressed and they asked |o o o o|| him what happened. When he replied he spoke \\o o o // with a terrible hoarseness in his voice. They ':.o_o_.:' could barely understand what he was saying. `\__/` )( After asking him to speak more clearly several || times they finally understood him to say "Well || it happened on the 6th hole. You know, over by jgs || that cow pasture? I hit my ball off into some \/ trees and went to look for it. I looked all over the place and noticed a cow had gotten onto the course. _ (.".) _ I noticed a golf ball stuck right '-'/. .\'-' under her tail. Well, I shoot a /_ _\ _...._ Dunlop ball and this was a (` o o `)---` .::'. Spaulding ball, so I knew it wasn't jgs /"---"` .::' ' \ mine. |: .::. / .::;| |' ::' .:| ':|| About that time a woman golfer came \\ \ \ '\ /\\ walking up and I raised the cow's \`;-'| |-.-'-, \ |) tail and pointed to the ball and ( | ( | `-uu ( | said `Does this look like yours, || || || || Lady??', and she hit me in the /_( /_( /_(/_( throat with a 9 iron." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ Unaware that her husband had painted .'.---.'. the toilet seat, the lady settled in // , \\ for what needed doing; we can imagine || `| || her dismay when she discovered that || | || she was stuck tight. Her cries || -'- || brought her husband, who tried a .-"`'-.,_ _,.-'`"-. variety of things without success. / .'--,___`"""`___,--'. \ | /:////_'---'_\\\\:\ | Finally, he called the Fire Depart- \|:|// `_ _` \\|:|/ ment for assistance. As the firemen '-/| (6/ \6) |\-' were coming up the stairs, she said, \\ | | // "For God's sake, give me something to `| (._.) |` cover up with!" And her husband gave | _ _ | her the only thing available at the jgs \ '---' / moment, a cowboy hat. '--.___.--' So, there she was, stuck tight to the toilet seat with a cowboy hat in her lap as the firemen came piling into the room. The Chief examined the situation this way and that, and he finally said, "Well, I'm sure we can save her, but the cowboy's a goner." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed." Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mum next year." Despite this the Nun stays right where she is. In desperation the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my mum." The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt." .:::. .:::. /:::::\ /:':':\ | _ | | _ | | (_` | | |_) | | ,_) | | | | | | jgs | | /`'---'`\ /`'---'`\ `'-----'` `'-----'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) || A union shop steward is .-----''-----. addressing a union meeting... | | | | "Comrades. We have agreed a | U N I O N | new deal with the management. | | We will no longer work four | | days a week." "Hooray", goes | | the crowd. '-----..----sSSSSSSSs || sSSSSSSSSSSSs "We will finish work at 4pm, || sSSS,_ _,SSSs not 5pm." "Hooray", goes ||SSSS |'| |'| SSSS the crowd, again. ||SSSS "" - "" SSSSs ||SSS\'' ___,''/SSSs "We will start work at 10 am, ||SSSS\ `-' /SSSSS not 9am." "Hooray" ||SSSS(`-----')SSSS _.-'|| , `-._.-' `. "We have a 150% pay rise." .' ,||_//___ Y ; "Hooray" `. `" \___/ ; `-.___.' `; ; "We will only work on Wednesdays" jgs ||`: :; ; Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) When Johnny was born without a body his parents _.-"""-. swore they would search the world until they ." \ `". found a cure. On one of their many journeys / .-"---._ \ they finally found a doctor who said he could |_/ _ _ `\_| cure Johnny. They hurried home to tell him / | o o | \ the good news. \/ 7 \/ \ .___. / "Johnny, we've got a surprise for you!" '._ _ _.' they told him when they arrived. jgs ) ( "Oh no," Johnny replied, "not another blasted hat!" (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ .' '.__ A father, mother, and ( o {__) __ '-. .' baby duck are standing \ ._.' __.' '. ' .-' at the edge of a lake. /\ ) ( (__} o ) .-') _ Father sticks his head | ``'"'` \ '.__. /` .' .' ' between his legs, \ {`'- } (`--') _.'--`\ comes back up, says jgs'. '-._ / `-.{ _ ) "My instincts tell me ``^^`^`^`^^`^^`^``^`^````^`^^^`^`^^`^^`^^ it's time to fly south", and he flies away. Mother sticks her head between her legs, comes back up, says "My instincts tell me it's time to fly south", and she flies away. Baby sticks his head between his legs, comes back up, and says "My in-stinks too, but it don't tell me nuthin'.". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. .--. How to tell the species of bear : (\ ". _......_ ." /) : you are looking at: '. ` ` .' /' _ _ `\ Go over to him, and kick him in / 0} {0 \ the behind. Run up a nearby tree. | / \ | If he climbs the tree and eats you, | /' `\ | he's a black bear. If he knocks \ | . .==. . | / the tree down and eats you, he's a '._ \.' \__/ './ _.' grizzly. jgs / ``'._-''-_.'`` \ `--` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) This Chinese tourist traveling in New York City goes up to his tenth New Yorker and says [with a Chinese accent], "Excuse me, but could you tell me direction to Carnegie Hall or should I fuck off?" .| | | |'| ._____ ___ | | |. |' .---"| _ .-' '-. | | .--'| || | _| | .-'| _.| | || '-__ | | | || | |' | |. | || | | | | || | jgs___| '-' ' "" '-' '-.' '` |____ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ()___ Q: How many screws do it take to ()//__/)_________________() hold a lesbian's bed together? ||(___)//#/_/#/_/#/_/#()/|| ||----|#| |#|_|#|_|#|_|| || A: None, it's all tongue in groove. ||____|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|#||/|| jgs || |#|_|#|_|#|_|#|_|| _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'