To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | July 18, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. __(_) They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. / / /\ After driving for a few hours, they got caught / `\\ | in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby \\// | farm house and asked the attractive lady who an- \\\ swered the door if they could spend the night. jgs \\\ `` "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North." "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of .---. the night, go up to the |#__| house and have sex with her?" =;===;= / - - \ "Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about ( _'.'_ ) being found out, "I have to admit that I .-`-'^'-`-. did." | `>o<' | / : \ "And did you happen to use my name instead / /\ : /\ \ of telling her your name?" .-'-/ / .-. \ \-'-. |_/ /-' '-\ \_| Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, /| | |\ sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do (_| /^\ |_) you ask?" | | | | jgs | | | | "No need to apologize, Bob. She just died '==='= ='===' and left me everything! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing that he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. ____ .'` __/_______ ---' -'` ______) Down the hall was another machine _______) with a sign that read, "Manicures _______) 25 cents." jgs -----..___________) "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip. __ _.---._ .--. .-' `-.__.' `-.__.' O _________________________________________________ | |':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|'| | | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12| | | | | |_________________________________________________|jgs | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ o./ _,,_ _| , _ '-|- _ _ _ , o'\ (_|| |(_| /_)(/_(_|_) | | (_|(_)(/_/_)__, ,_| _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bed- room about 2 A.M., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?" "The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. .---. /_____\__ .===. _ _ `\/6.6\/--` / _/\ \ / )%.===.%( \ ( _ ) \/6.6\/ | // ,,, \\ | ,'---', ( _ ) \/ \/6.6\/ \/ .===. / _ \ _)---(_ /\ ( _ ) /\ / ,,, \ /\/ (_) \/\ / `~` \ ^^ /()-()\ ^^ ( /6.6\ ) \ | (_) | / /\/ \/\ / /o o\ \ )( _ )( \| |/ \ | | / (._\ Y /_.) (_/;---;\_) |_____| \|_____|/ (O_`&`_O) / `"*"` \ | | | | L | / / \ \ ( (_.@._) ) | | | |__|__| / ()/^\() \ /'._\|/_.'\ \__|__/ | | | /. . . . . . .\ /. . . . . .\ |_|_| |_|_| `"`"`|`|`|`"`"` `"`"|"|"|"`"` jgs _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ _|_|_|_ (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) (___|___) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, __ _.-"` `'-. and many people were forced to stand. One /||\'._ __{}_( particularly cramped woman turned to the man |||| #'--.__\ behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop | L.( ^_\^ poking me with your thing, I'm going to call \ .-' | _ | the cops!" | | )\___/ | \-'`:._] "I don't know what you're talking about miss, \__/; '-. that's just my pay check in my pocket." | |o __ \ | |o )( | "Oh really," she spat. "Then you must have jgs | |o \/ \ some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,#######, A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. ######### A few minutes later he says, to no one in ######### particular... "All lawyers are assholes." ######### The fellow next to him lit into him. "How '#######' dare you just stereotypically categorize .--' '--. all lawyers as assholes! How have you /` `\ missed that it's just not okay to cast / '-. : .-' \ aspersions on an entire group of people? / | : | \ / /|.-- --.|\ \ You just try saying something like that \ ( / . \ ) / about any other group of people and you'd \ \| | |/ / get slugged. And you should! If you \ \_____|_____/ / weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink (_[I===I===I==]_) all over you, but you're not worth the |-|~~|:|~~|-| cost of my drink." | \__/:\__/ | {-_ -: _= } The fellow was properly abashed, and jgs {_ /^\_ - } apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I { -_ } { - _} didn't mean to offend you," he says, {_ } {_ - } "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?" {____} {____} (___) (___) "Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'