To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | September 5, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Honeymoon of an Electronics Engineer Dear Mother, /:""| .****, (\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@\ `, I am writing to inform you \/ C` _)aa`@@@\ \ of how much I enjoyed my \ ._| (_ ?@@| \ WIRELESS HONEYMOON. As soon )_/ =' @@@@| | as we arrived at our hotel, he /`\8\ \(```/ | insisted on seeing my receiv- || |8| /^^\ | / ing set, and naturally I agreed, || |8| /\::/|| | for now he has a licence. || |8| \ | ||| \ || |~| \| ||| \ He soon had my set uncovered :| |=: |:|\\.:.:.::. and spend some time examining it ||_|,| |:| \ ':':':` carefully. My two large condens- \)))|| ((( | ers pleased him immediately and | :|| | | (\/) he was soon manipulating them | :|| | | \/ with the ease of an expert. ) :|| | \ | :|| | `\ Obviously satisfied that my socket | :|| |:.:. `~-._ was in order, he got his aerial |_:||_ /~))\ `~~-._ and had it erected, I was jgs (_,__)) /_/YY `':':':':':':` pleased to see that his twin accumulators were fully charged. He had quite a job getting his aerial filtered at first as he had it insulated with rubber. I suggested taking the rubber off to ensure complete contact, and having done so he plugged in again and turning his knob, a perfect contact was made inside my set. He was careful at first as he played due to the resistance of my new receiver but soon the high tension increased and his aerial began to oscillate. My receiver warmed up and the signal to cover through. He manipulated the condensers again and extended the volume. Suddenly, I noted the atmosphere on my set and without warning massive fluid came through and fortunately the action caused his aerial to sag and his accumulators were run down. So,he was obliged to disconnect. It seemed pity that our evening's entertainment had to be curtailed, but as he said my receiver would become adjusted to his aerial once he had learnt to control the high tension, perfect reception could be ensured over a long period. He said he was surprised to find my receiver new as he was under the impression that it had been in use with some other aerials. I should like to have a longer aerial, for I feel sure if he could get an inch or more longer, we would have enough volume to get a loud speaker. He agreed with me but he thought regular use should stretch it sufficiently. Well, Mother, I shall have to close now as he has been doing my condensers while I have been writing. He has already uncovered my receiver and his aerial is erected and I cannot write very well once he had got it plugged in. I will write to you tomorrow and let you know what reception is like tonight. He did say that he is going to try my receiver in a different position. Your loving daughter...... _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned. Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved. The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you." "Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods." _ "No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the ." ". arrangements and get back to you." \ / .ss. | ( A few days later, St. Peter contacted the S''S | old geezer and took him to the lecture hall SSSS | where he was to give his talk. They both .-'SS'--'\ waited backstage while the audience got / __/ settled, and the geezer was pleased to see |_.)====( | that it was rather a large crowd. " | | | | | | The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. | | | "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but | | | I've just spotted Noah in the crowd." '----' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __ /` `'-. The Pope decided, on a whim, to tour | _ `\ Las Vegas. So he took a flight from \'-,'` \ | the Vatican on board an American air- /a a | / line. Once inside the jet, the captain |/_ //) greeted him saying "Hello Mr. Presley, \ __, `/ I am very proud that you have chosen my .'`\___.'('-.__ aircraft to fly to Vegas. It has been /__ ; /_ \ `\ indeed a pleasure to meet you Mr. .`))'`\.'` \___\ \ Presley." / (( |o )) \ / )) | (( \ The Pope looked at the .--._ / (( |o ))\_. | captain very confused `-, `',,,._.-' '-./)) | (.' / and replied "My name '--`//// '-._ _.' (( _|o .' _.' is not Mr. Presley, I am \```';-._'-._ ))( `-._.-'/__ /, the Pope, head of the Catholic `""` '-._'-;_) / / \ Church." The captain paid no '-,_'-._(`-|||| \ attention and went back to his cabin. _.-' '-.//-.\\\\_.-.| ( .-' _.. ````;-.| The plane landed in Vegas, and as the '--;-.`-' '._.' / Pope left the aircraft he was met by jgs / `'. .' a limousine driver, who was there to / /`'-----'`| take him to his hotel. The limo driver / / | | exclaimed, "Elvis, it is an absolute / /` | | pleasure to meet you. I am one of |_ / | \ your greatest fans." The Pope again | | |_ | was confused and replied "My name is | / \ \ not Elvis. I am the Pope, head of | | \ \ the Catholic Church." The driver | | \ | paid no attention, and dropped | | \ \ the Pope off at the hotel. / \ )-.__,' _.'`----; .' | The Pope entered the hotel and (` .`-' ( .-' was greeted by the desk clerk '---'` `"""` who said "Hello Mr. Presley and welcome. We are pleased that you have chosen our hotel for your visit to Las Vegas. We have the finest room available for you, as well as the best call girls available for your pleasure." The Pope looked at the desk clerk and replied in a deep voice "Thank you. Thank you very much." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The courtroom was packed as testimony _..,----,.._ began in the sentencing hearing of a woman .-;'-.,____,.-'; convicted of murdering her husband of 20 (( | | years by poisoning his coffee. `)) ; ` \ / The defense attorney knew he had his jgs .-' `,.____.,' '-. work cut out for him in order to make ( '------' ) his client appear more sympathetic to `-=..________..--' the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,____ |---.\ ___ | ` / .-\ ./=) | |"|_/\/| A curious fellow died one day and was ; |-;| /_| waiting in a long, long line for judgment. / \_| |/ \ | He noticed that some people, after they / \/\( | went through the line, were able to go | / |` ) | through heaven's gates. Others were lining / \ _/ | up behind Satan who was throwing most of /--._/ \ | them into the eternal fires of hell. `/|) | / Every once in while, though, instead of / | | tossing a poor soul into the fire, he .' | | would toss him/her to one side. After jgs / \ | watching for hours, the fellow could not (_.-.__.__./ / resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment (didn't want Satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?" "Oh," Satan said with a snicker. "Those are Oregonians. They're too wet to burn." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ /`> A guy traveling through the prairies of the / > /`> USA stopped at a small town and went to a _____/ / / /`> bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit /____/ / / / /`> up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he /====/ / / / / / stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. / .> (_) < < < < After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into (__ \ \ \ \ \ \ the air, an angry American Indian approached |__ \ \ \ \ \_> him and said... |___ \ \ \ \_> \ ( \_> \_> "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling jgs \_> me that I'll smash your face in!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'