To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | October 3, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _..._ \':, An avid duck hunter was in `._..-""` ) \\ the market for a new bird ___/9 \ |/ dog. His search ended when P 9 | he found a dog that could \ | actually walk on water to '--. _/ retrieve a duck. Shocked (`'---'_) by his find, he was sure ()`---'` \ none of his friends would | ', ever believe him. | `'. , ; '-._ /( He decided to try to break the \ _ `'. | \ news to a friend of his, a | , .' '. \ `\ pessimist by nature, and in- | | ; / \ \ \ vited him to hunt with him and | | |. | | / | his new dog. As they waited | | | `-.\ |"` / by the shore, a flock of ducks .-;.| | _..;._ /-..-' flew by. They fired, and a (( .-;. | (( _..`> / duck fell. The dog responded `(( _/ '-(( ` .__) and jumped into the water. `"""` `"--'` jgs The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well,... yes, actually I have." "That's the problem!" the doctor says, "Tell him that his earrings aren't made of real gold!" . * * * . * . * . . . . . * . * ,_ * .-.-------. . . __(_\ . //^\\ \ * . . * . ~( _ ) ___ \\_//_______/ .--------.-. ^^^ // >>^^,/ _ )~ ^^/[_=/]______]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^/ //^\\^ /_/< \\ /_(=/ (o) (o) \________\\=// ~ ~ ^^ [________[\__]\ ^^^ ^^ .="=. (o) (o)`\=)_\ /\_ /|6 6|\ _/\ ~ ~ ) ^^ \_//O\_+_/O\\_/ o ,( o \\\/`"""`\/// ^^ o =(_,)= o \ ($) / ^^^ o =" "= o ^^^ ./---/_\---\. o oo o /`"---------"`\ ^^ / / | \ \ ^^^ ^^ / / | \ \ ^^ jgs ^^^ `._._.-'-._.-'-.' ^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , / \,,_ .'| ,{{| /}}}}/_.' A group of third, fourth and fifth }}}}` '{{' '. graders accompanied by two female {{{{{ _ ;, \ teachers went on a field trip to ,}}}}}} /o`\ ` ;) the local race track to learn about {{{{{{ / ( thoroughbred horses and the }}}}}} | \ supporting industry. {{{{{{{{ \ \ }}}}}}}}} '.__ _ | During the tour some of the {{{{{{{{ /`._ (_\ / children wanted to go to the toilet }}}}}}' | \\___/ so it was decided that the girls jgs `{{{{` | '--' would go with one teacher and the }}}` boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\/) Work or Play? ,;;;, \/ ,;;;, /////)) """\\\\ |/// '' '' \\) A lovelorn couple were engaged by the \(C _) (_ _) question: Is it OK to have sex on the ((_)) _= =_ / day of Sabbath? (If sex were work, it `"`/ / \ \ would be forbidden.) The man went to (`""-. <\-/`> the pastor and posed his question. jgs /`~~~`\ / Y`~` \ After some thought, the pastor replied that sex was work. Not feeling satisfied with the lack of proper explanation (after all, the pastor was celibate, what could he know about sex?), he approached the vicar, who after pondering the question, agreed with the pastor. As a last resort, the man approached a rabbi with the same question: Is sex work or play? The rabbi, a man of the world, answered immediately, "Son, sex must definitely be play; for if it were work, my wife would have someone else do it for her." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .:::. There is supposedly at least one tattoo studio in .:::::::. the continental US which has, in amongst all the V^V^V^V^V^V stock designs on the walls, the Chinese for "I'm (| ^ ^ |) so stupid that I don't know what this means." | (_) | `//=\\' The person who mentioned this was American-Chinese, (((())) and asked the tattooist why this was up on the )))(( wall. The tattooist replied that it was there to (()))) catch idiots who just picked designs which they ))(( thought looked cool - and that if someone was (() stupid enough to get a phrase which they didn't jgs )) understand tattooed on their body, he'd do it. ( Apparently he'd already put the design on several people, too - if they'd have asked him what it meant, he'd have told them. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-=-. /\____) A guy was trying to console a friend | / . .\ who'd just found his wife in bed with \( _>| another man. "Get over it, buddy," he _) __/--""-.__ said. "It's not the end .-""-. .' ,__._ `''''-._ of the world." / /\___) / %% .\ ``''`;--.\ ( ( ' '| ) / / ' _%- | .' \ "It's all right for you ) \_=/_ (/_ / \ _\- \ .88, _ \ to say," answered his ( / ` '.__)___\ _\ \_.88888/' \ \ .-, buddy. "But `) ; ,88._..-8\). .,8888888___.;-.;_--. __.' / what if you ( | , 88` .8\ \ ,888888888888 ````` _._) came home \_| |_'.____ _8'\ \88;---'`.8888_...-`'----'` one night '........_) | \ _.-'``'-' and caught another | ;`"-; man in bed with your wife?" jgs \__.'` The fella ponders for a moment, then said, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of mMm _[_]_ the honeymoon suite and exclaimed, "Wowie!" /(_)\ (_) //)^(\\//:\\ A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way /(/&@&\)\|~|/ for a look. She said, "Oh, my God!" / /-~`~-\ ||| `/ \||| Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall jgs `--------'-'-- and moved her out of the way. He took a look and said, "I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. (_---_) So Call Your Mother (_/6 6\_) ( v ) `\ /' A man called his mother in Florida. .-'': ;``-. He said to his mother, "How are / \,Y./ \ you doing?" / (:)___ \ : .-'XXX`-.`\_; She said, "Not to good. I've been `.__.-XXX-.__.'\_ jgs very weak." / / XXX \ \ `\_ / XXX \ `\ The son then asked, "Why are you / XXX \ _`\___ so weak?" / \ (`--"""-') / \ (=-=-=-=-) She said, "Because I haven't `--...___ ___...--' (________) eaten in 38 days." ``` The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?" She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. "A bit airy, isn't it?" remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, "'Ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!" \ / `I=. .=I` /|\ `"=I._ _.I="` /|\ |/|\| /|\ `"=I="` /|\ |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| /|\ |/|\| |/|\| |/#\| |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| |/#\| |###| |/#\| |/|\| |/#\| |###| jgs \#/ |###| |/#\| |###| \#/ ` \#/ |###| \#/ ` ` |###| ` \#/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'