To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | October 10, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___________________ What My Dog Has Taught Me / = == = == == = == \ / = == == == == = \ /== === === = ==== == ==\ Daily Routine / === = ==== = === = === =\ /_=_==__==__=__=====__==_ =_\ The day is divided into two `"""|__ __ _.-----._ ____|"""` important sections: |__ __ / /\_/\ \__ __| Mealtime, and everything else. |_ __ | \/"\/ |__ _| | | _( Y )_ | | I. Mealtime jgs\\`""""8=(/=====\)=8"""`// 1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food. _,,_ 2. It goes without saying that you should /` `\ carefully check the lower third of any space / / 6 6\ \ for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot \/\ Y /\/ be identified by sight or smell are / `'U` \ considered gum. , ( \ / ) |\|\_/ \_/| 3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge \/'. .'\ your head into it as you would a shower. \ /--\ / Never, never look up again until a minimum of jgs (____\ /____) at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating. ./\ _ 4. Remember that all food is c ..'D> `'//...........'`. potentially yours up until the : // :` time that it is actually : // : swallowed by another. The '..... // : lengthy path a piece of food will ^^^^^``: ; take from a plate to a mouth via : .' a hand is as good a time as any : :':'''''':`: `. jgs to stake your claim to it. ''''`` ``''' .-"-. 5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate /|6 6|\ beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. {/(_0_)\} There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. _/ ^ \_ jgs (/ /^\ \)-' 6. If you really see something you want, and all ""' '"" your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip. II. Everything Else |\_/| |d b| /} 1. There are really only two important facial ( 0 )"""\' expressions to bother with: complete and over- 8===8 | whelming joy and nothing at all. jgs || /=\\ | "'" '"""' 2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel. _.="""=._ 3. The most practical way to get dry is to /` \ / `\ shake violently near a fully clothed / / _} {_ \ \ person. A second effective method is to / ; /o) (o\ ; \ stand on a light-colored piece of \ | / _ \ | / furniture. \_/\| (_) |/\_/ jgs /`\_/=\_/`\ 4. Personal Safety /` `"` `\ { } A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically. B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard. __ _,--="=--,_ __ 5. Recreation and Leisure / \." .-. "./ \ / ,/ _ : : _ \/` \ A. Ball: There are two \ `| /o\ :_: /o\ |\__/ equally amusing sets of `-'| :="~` _ `~"=: | rules you will want to \` (_) `/ know. jgs .-"-. \ | / .-"-. ----{ }--| /,.-'-.,\ |--{ }---- a. The Common Form, in (_)_)_) \_/`~-===-~`\_/ (_(_(_) which you receive a thrown ball and return it. b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it. B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out. 6. Health A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). .-~-. EGGS .' '. / \ When something starts pecking its .-~-. : ; way out of the shell, the egg is .' '.| | probably past its prime. / \ : : ; .-~""~-,/ DAIRY PRODUCTS | /` `'. : | \ Milk is spoiled when it starts to \ | / look like yogurt. Yogurt is `. .' \ .' spoiled when it starts to look jgs `~~~` '-.____.-' like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three- block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. .-~~~~-. LETTUCE / ( ( ' \ | ( ) ) | Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off \ ) ' } / / the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. (` \ , / ~) _______________ `-.`\/_.-' / / (__/') / /'. `"" jgs | | _____ | | | | | (_) | | | CANNED GOODS | | __ . | | @| | | __, | |@%@ Any canned goods that have jgs | | __) | |@%@%@.-.-.-.-. become the size or shape of \_\_________\_\@%@%@%_ _ _ _.' a basketball should be ` ^ ^ ^ ^ disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. \ .-' '.; ;..'.-'_' WINE '-. \.;/ .'_. _ '- '.;;.'/ .-. {_} It should not taste like .-'-.\;,-'-. |(| salad dressing. _\|_ |=| / ' \ / \ |`--`| |.--| |'__.| || | | | || | . ' . |-..-| || | . ' . | ; |'--| ' \~~~/ ;'--'/ '-=-' \~~~/ \_/ jgs \._/ \_/ Y \( Y _|_ ` jgs _|_ POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. _ _ (`-`;-"```"-;`-`) \.' './ / \ GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: ; 0 0 ; /| = = |\ Most food cannot be kept ; \ '._Y_.' / ; longer than the average ; `-._ \|/ _.-' ; life span of a hamster. ; `"""` ; ; `""-. .-""` ; Keep a hamster in your /; '--._ \ / _.-- ;\ refrigerator to gauge this. : `. `/|| ||\` .' : '. '-._ _.-' .' jgs (((-'` `"""""` `'-))) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,;;;;;;;;;, The Rules of Men's Fashion /////////\\\\ by Jim Rosenberg |// __ __ \\| \/=(_o)^(o_)=\/ (_ (___) _) Rule #1: A man must never buy pants \ \_____/ / with the word "bottom" in the name, `-._ _.-' such as "Cavernous Bottom", __.-)_(-,__ "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless ./' \_\_/_/ `\. Bottom" or "My God, is that / > | //\ | < \ your Bottom?" jeans. / \ | |/| | / \ / |\ | |/| | /| \ Rule #2: Before purchasing any / /| \ | |/| | / |\ \ item of clothing, a man must ( ( | \| |/| |/ | ) ) raise his right hand and repeat \ \| Y |/| Y |/ / aloud the following somber \ | o| |/| |- | / pledge: "I [your name here] do `\ | | `^` | | /' solemnly swear that [clothes `| o|=[Ll=|- |' item here] does not make me look | / \ | like Travolta from Saturday Night ~~|` \ `|~~ Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So | | | help me, John." | | | | | | Rule #3: A man must walk out of the | | | store if a clerk makes reference at | | | any time to his crotch, particularly | | | the dreaded comment/accusation "it's | | | a little roomy in the crotch there, | | | isn't it sir?" As for the unexpected |____|____| reverse crotch fabric yank and tuck / / \ \ maneuver executed at many finer jgs / / \ \ men's stores, you can expect to `---' `---` hear from our lawyers. Rule #4: A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all times to approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the urge to improvise, simply recall those 70's shirts with french street scenes, long beagle dog collars, and absolutely no natural fibers. These were once thought to be stylish. Men might still be wearing them today, were it not for OSHA's landmark ruling that they were simply too flammable for public use. Rule #5: A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing, unless it is related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially true of Euro-sounding phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht Club". Rule #6: A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars on any item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items recovered in Appendix A: "Asking Mom for Help"; Rule #7: One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and she suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I already *have* a pair of pants. When your one item is no longer wearable, rise from the dinner table and announce with feeling "My shirt is dead. I need a new one." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.-"""-. .' \ `\ A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers .' .-' '. _ | was concerned that his students might be /.__ ) C, ^ \ a little confused about Jesus Christ .' `'-. ( ;-.-' because of the Christmas season emphasis / '. ) | on His birth. He wanted to make sure / \ / _., they understood that the birth of ; . ';-"`;_.'\ Jesus occurred a | '. \ | / .* ** *, long time ago, |___ `'-..___.|__/--' * .--. * that He grew up, | ```"""-----'/ '*/_ _`\*'`\ etc. So he asked )"""----....___.; _.`.|^.^ ?;` .' his class, "Where .' '.`'. .;-.-'\_- /-.',( is Jesus today?" / '. \ /_.' ;.| |'--....___ ___..--` \ .;' .-' .; Steven raised his L.._ __ ```` __..-' /; / `.' / hand and said, ;._`__````""--""`` \ .'( _.'`.' /` "He's in heaven." 7 | ``""";--.._ | /`,'`'"".`"` '.' .' | 7 | | `' | \__.` '. _`;.' .' Mary was called on \__| .--'._; / |_`""-'` | .' and answered, "He's \__/` jgs `'-.___.; .-; `\...._/-' in my heart." {_}-' \ \ `-.._ | / Little Johnny, waving his `"-' hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'