To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier New, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | November 10, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .===. LETTER FROM CAMP / _/\ \ \/6.6\/ ( _ ) Dear Mom & Dad: _)---(_ / ( / \ We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. /._ \/_ \/\ Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our \____\_)|\ \ parents in case you saw the flood on TV and |_____| \_) worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 | L | sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of |__|__| us got drowned because we were all up on the | | | mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh |_|_| jgs yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he _|_|_|_ is OK. He can't write because of the cast. (___|___) I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. \\\\ Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the \c .( gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't \ _/ burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of ___/( /( our clothes. John is going to look weird until /--/ \\// his hair grows back. __ )/ /\/ \/ `-.\ //\\ We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb \\// \\ gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about \/ \\ the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. \\ Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you jgs '--` have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. O__, O__, This morning all of the guys /'._|\/______|\_/.'\ were diving off the rocks and \ / / swimming out in the lake. jgs~^~^~^~^^`~^~^~^~^~~^~^~^~^~^~^ Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? . |___________________________________ |-----|- - -|''''|''''|''''|''''|''''|'##\|__ |- - | cc 6 5 4 3 2 1 ### __]==---------------------- |-----|________________________________##/| 'jgs |"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .----------------. MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church | _ | By Hank Vorjes | _.-'|'-._ | | .__.| | | | VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press | |_.-'|'-._| | conference in St. Peter's Square this | '--'| | | | morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican | '--'|_.-'`'-._| | announced that the Redmond software jgs| '--' ` | giant will acquire the Roman Catholic '----------------' Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul + II will become the senior vice- | president of the combined company's /o\ new Religious Software Division, |~| while MICROSOFT senior vice- , | | , presidents Michael Maples and Steven /\/ _ \/\ Ballmer will be invested in the .-.-.-|| (_) ||-.-.-. College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT | # # || _ || # # | Chairman, Bill Gates. jgs _| || ||| || |_ """""""""===""""""""" "We expect a lot of growth in the === religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. .-@@@@@@@@@@-@-@@@@@@@@@@-@-@@@@@, "You can get .< @ Communion, .-@-@@@-@' `--@@@@@@@@@@-@-@@@@@@@@@@-@-@@@@` confess your -|- sins, receive | jgs absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. === An estimated 17,000 people attended the (`\(")/`) announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a > /~\ < 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in (// \\) character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the `| |` event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 jgs |_| sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little ' ' during the announcement. When Novello chided _ === Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these ( `\( ) pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the `> /~\* pontiff's smile seemed strained. (_/ /\I \ \ The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic / / rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art \/ jgs collection, which includes works by such masters ` as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties. _______ / /_ "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of / -/- / / the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk / / / / of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red /_______/ / Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the ((______| / Catholics came on the scene." `"""""""` jgs But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. , ,,,,|,,,, Historically, the Church has a reputation as an ||||||||| aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure \\\\|//// people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into `==T==` exclusive licensing arrangements in various _|_ kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with jgs `"""` Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. _.-/`) The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of // / / ) mergers and acquisitions, according to .=// / / / ) Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. //`/ / / / / Southern Baptist Conference, as other // / ` / churches scramble to strengthen their || / position in the increasingly \\ / competitive religious market. )) .' jgs // / .---. / |#__| =;===;= What? Microsoft a monopoly??? / - - \ ( _'.'_ ) / .-`-'^'-`-. | `>o<' | / BG : \ / /\ : /\ \ For more great .-'-/ / .-. \ \-'-. ASCII Art |_/ /-' '-\ \_| visit Joan Stark's /| | |\ web site (_| /^\ |_) | | | | jgs | | | | http://www.ascii-art.com '==='= ='===' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Did You Know... To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles. , , /////| ///// | However, as the credibility of the ///// | testimony became increasingly |~~~| | | associated with the weight and size |===| |/| of the organs on which the testimony | B |/| | was based, the Senate in the third | I | | | century AD, passed a law that | B | | | introduced a standard size Bible | L | / as the medium to swear on. | E | / |===|/ jgs '---' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Read this one very close: A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?" "Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant. "Well," came the explanation, "I'm always late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock..." _____ /.===.\ \ // \\ \/\ \\ // \ \ ` //' \ \ ||' (no, don't write me. \ \/ || I won't explain it to you.) \/\ \ () _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm