To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier New, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | December 12, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling =, (\_/) ,= of a cave, discovers a single bat /`-'--(")--'-'\ STANDING upright underneath on the floor jgs / (___) \ of the cave. Surprised by this unusual /.-.-./ " " \.-.-.\ behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the hell are you doing down there?" And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-~```~. / \ There was once a sheep farmer who _._..._ _{_, }__, had a French farmhand working with __.'~ {`---' }-' him to help castrate his sheep. / / `--' 9 \ As the farmer castrated the sheep, \{ `~. .__y the French farmhand took the parts { { `~~----;` and was about to throw them into \ \ }=/=. the trash. { `._\ , }@*@ \ }`~\ _.~". \`@` "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't { } { } \ \ \ throw those away! My wife fries / } { | \ \ \ them up and we eat them, they're /`-/ / }`-'\ { \ delicious! They're called Sheep `"` / / `--` \.-\ Fries!" jgs /`"/ `--` `"` The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farmhand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,-~~~~-, An old man had a dog he just loved .-~~~; ;~~~-. but the dog had the bad habit of / / \ \ attacking anything that moved { .'{ O O }'. } including people. His friends told `~` { .-~~~~-. } `~` him that if he had the dog fixed he ;/ \; would lose his aggressions and quit /'._ () _.'\ this behavior. / `~~~~` \ ; ; So the old man had his dog fixed and { } a few days later was in his front { } { } room when the mailman came up the { } { } steps. The dog jumped up and went / \ / \ right thru the screen door and { { { }~~{ } } } attacked the mailman. The old man jgs `~~~~~` `~~~~~` ran out and pulled his dog off and (`"======="`) began apologizing to the mailman. (_.=======._) He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do." The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _______________________________________________ | | |\ | | || | |,""---:___ | ||== | .-.| | ||== | '-'-----. |_______________________________________________|| |~ | -(| |_____________________________/< _...==...____| | | ___ | \\ .-. .-. // \| \//.-. .-.\\ -------"-"/.-.\_] `( o )( o )' ' ( o )( o )`"""""""""==`( o ) jgs '-' '-' '-' '-' '-' A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks, "Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his face, then he spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!" Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about 10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?" The man replies by spitting and saying, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!" The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!" The manager tells him, "look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't have to throw you out." The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of us--so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your dick! -*SPIT*- ...AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!!!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) . . .'. \ / Radio Shack Experience \ / .'. .' '.' ' -= o =- -= o =- .' ' / | \ / | \ | Do these guys at Radio | | Shack ever get on your | | nerves, asking you for | .=====| a bunch of personal data |=====. |.---.| when you're just there |.---.| ||=o=|| to buy something as ||=o=|| || || simple as a couple AA || || || || batteries? I think we || || ||___|| should inconvenience ||___|| |[:::]| these people as much as jgs |[:::]| '-----' they do us. A while ago '-----' I was in Enid buying a printer cable adaptor and the guy asked me for my name. "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson," I replied. (blank look of confusion) "How do you spell that?" he asked, obviously not wanting to know. "With a hyphen," I clarified. "Once more?" he asked. "Ghosseindhatsghabyfaird-johnson" "Could you please spell that?" he asked, glancing at the half dozen people waiting behind me. "Oh... just like it sounds," I said nonchalantly. Putting down "Johnson," he went on and asked about the address. "Washburn, Wisconsin, 14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b," I replied. Almost through writing all this down, I said, "Or did you mean current address?" Stoping, he said, (becoming irritated) "Yes. Current address." "Diluthian Heights, Mississippi, 1372 S. Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied quite slowly. Waiting until he finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, he backed up and changed it. "I think," I interjected. "And is all this correct?" he asked in a standard manner. "Of course not," I replied, leaving, "If you want my REAL name and address, look at the damned credit card receipt." A little mean, I must admit, but no jury would convict me... at least, none that had been to Radio Shack. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm