_______ _ |__ __| | January 9, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____________ The Illegal Alien _____| |_____ '=======================' A US Border Patrol Agent catches an (|__0_><_0__|) illegal alien in the bushes right by | _\ | the border fence. He pulls him out \ ~~~ / and says "Sorry, you know the law, jgs '---^--' you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence". Of course, the Mexican man agrees to this. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ ___ No Charge For The Haircut / _ \ _.-'_.' \____`-.____.-'_.-' A priest walked into a barber `-. _.\.-' shop in Washington, D.C. After ____.-'`__/-._ he got his haircut, he asked / _ .-'` '-._`-._ how much it would be. \___/ '-._'-. jgs `"` The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. __ (__) _,.-~> Later that day, a police officer came in and __`~~>_.-~` got his hair cut. He then asked how much it jgs (__)~` `~-.> was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie." "Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." __.__ .' '. As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches / \ into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to | | stop, I forgot to bring birth control!" | | |"-------"| "No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my |. .| wife's diaphragm." | '=.u.=' | jgs \ / After a few minutes of searching, he returns to `"""""""` the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ) Three little boys were sitting on the porch, ( when one little boy says, "My Daddy smokes, _ ___________ ) and he can blow smoke rings." [_[___________# The second little boy pipes up, "Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes." The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, "My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt." "Really, have you seen it?" reply the boys. The third boy responds, "No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear....." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ ,-:` \;',`'-, .'-;_,; ':-;_,'. God's Survey /; '/ , _`.-\ | '`. (` /` ` \`| |:. `\`-. \_ / | After having been commissioned by God | ( `, .`\ ;'| to take a survey of how man was doing \ | .' `-'/ on Earth, St. Peter now stood before `. ;/ .' his boss ready to present his findings. jgs `'-._____.-'` "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it's a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions." "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?" "I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity." replied St.Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did. Do you know what the letter said? (\ (scroll down) \\ \\ \\ <*****> \\ .=^=. .""". .=^=. \\ //```\\(/a a\)//```\\ \\{{ ( L ) }} \\{ _ __ \ = / }} \\/@.---,/'-'\,---. }} /(&\ |`-._/\_.-'| \ }} (@ \&\| || |\ \}} {{ \ |___o()o___| > )} {{ `|__((<>))__|` .'}} {{ \ o\/o /`` }} {{ ,'\ || /\', }} {{.' \ || / | '.}} /'.||.' / / // / ( /( / jgs / / \ \ / / \ \ ___/ _/ __\ _\ (______) (______) Hmmmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh? _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ _ _ _ /^\ /:\ /%\ /8\ /#\ Nursery school teacher says /___\ /:::\ /%%%\ /888\ /###\ to her class, "Who can use [_____]:::::]%%%%%]88888]#####] the word 'Definitely' in a |_____|_____|_____|_____|_____| sentence?" |=====|=====|=====|=====|=====| | _ | _ | _ | _ | _ | First a little girl says | / \ | / \| / \ | / \ |/ \ | "The sky is definitely blue" || || | || ||| || | | || || | || ||| || | | Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, || || | || ||| || | | but the sky can be gray, | \_/ | \_/| \_/ | \_/ |\_/ | or orange..." |_____|_____|_____|_____|_____| jgs |=====|=====|=====|=====|=====| Second little boy... | |:::::|%%%%%|88888|#####| "Trees are definitely green". '-----'-----'-----'-----'-----' .===. / _/\ \ "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are \/6.6\/ brown." ( _ ) _)---(_ Little Johnny from the back of the class / `~` \ stands up and asks: /\/ \/\ \ | | / "Does a fart have lumps?" \|_____|/ | L | The teacher looks horrified and says... |__|__| "Johnny! Of course not!!!" | | | |_|_| "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..." jgs _|_|_|_ (___|___) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm