_______ _ |__ __| | January 16, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /\ A man answers the phone and has the following || conversation: || || || "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Nancy || has been most difficult - I know I ought _______|| to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, /` `\ you know how she is." | .-"""-. | | / .:::. \ | "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember | \ ':::' / | you told me that she was a vile creature | '-----' | who would make my life miserable and you | .-"""""-. | begged me not to marry her." | |_______| | | [_][_][_] | "You were perfectly right. You want to | [_] [] [] | speak with her? All right." | [1][2][3] | | [4][5][6] | He looks up from the telephone and calls | [7][8][9] | to his wife in the next room, "Nancy, your | [*][0][#] | mother wants to talk to you!" | ... | jgs\ ':::' / `"""""""""` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A guy walks into a shoe store and asks ___ for a pair of shoes, size 8. The ___ /`"""`8-.__ obviously well trained salesman says, /`"""`8-.__._ ) "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and- \ ._ ) """"" a-half." jgs """" """""" "Just bring me a size eight." The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 7, and my son just told me he was gay." "The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD .-=-. .--. __ .' '. / " ) _ .' '. / .-. \ / .-'\ NAME: ( \ / .-. \ / / \ \ / / ^ "Expecteria Trouserius" \ `-` / \ `-' / \ `-` / (Trouser Snake) jgs`-.-` '.____.' `.____.' LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies. SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death. HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places. ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected. CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow. SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success. MILKING THE SNAKE: 1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front. 2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion. 3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting. 4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes. CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A guy in a mask bursts into a .---. __ sperm bank with a shotgun. / '-.__.-' `'-. "Open the safe," he yells at the \ .-' '.__.' girl behind the counter. jgs '---' "But we're not a real bank," she replies. "We don't have any money. This is a sperm bank." "Don't argue, open the goddamn safe or I'll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don't argue, just drink it!" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband. "There," he says, "it's not that difficult is it!?!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Things You'll Hear Only in the South... Exclamations... "Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." Threats... "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style." "This'll jar your preserves." "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!" .--..-""""-..--. Good Things/Compliments... ///`/////////\`\\\ "Cute as a sack full of puppies." ||/ |///""\\\| \|| "If things get any better, I may have to ## ( 6. 6 ) ## hire someone to help me enjoy it." /_\ \ _. / /_\ "Gooder than grits." _`) (`_ /` '--' `\ The Weather... / _,,_ \ "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the / /` `\ \ dogs." /\_/ / 6 6\ \_/\ "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a \ \/\ Y /\/ / pepper patch." \ \/ `'U` \/ / Wintery roads are said to be "slicker \( \ / )/ than otter snot " |\_/ \_/| / ____ \ Descriptions... \ ( || ) / A bothersome person is "like a booger (__)||(__) that you can't thump off." | || | When something is bad then you say, "that |__||__| ain't no count." jgs |==||==| If something is hard to do, it's "like /~`//~`/ trying to herd cats." / // / He ran "like his feet was on fire and his `""` `"` ass was a-catchin" A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than Insults... a cat covering crap on a marble floor." "She's uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'" "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." (any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart) , # _ (\\_(^> _. >(')__, (_(__) || _.||~~ {^--^}.-._._.---.__.-;(_~_/ || (^..^) || (\(__)/) || {6 6 }.')' (. )' ).-` || __||____(oo)____||___`(QQ)'___||___( v )._('.) ( .' )____||__ --||----"- "----||----) (----||----`-.''(.' .( ' ) .)----||-- __||__@( )___||___(o o)___||______#`(.'( . ( (',)_____||__ --||----"--"----||----`--'----||-------'\_.).(_.). )------||-- || || `||~|||~~|""|| `W W W W ||jgs ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~~~ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ____ //---\\ Poetry or Prose? || || // ,// ` //' The third grade teacher was || .-"""-. teaching English and repeated || / .---. \ for her class, "Mary had a || | (///\\) | little lamb, whose fleece was || \( '.' )/ white as snow, and everywhere || \ e / that Mary went, the lamb was || .,_) (_,. sure to go." (=\ (_) (_),/) ||\\//(`---`)\\// She explained that this was an || \/ \ / \/ example of poetry, but could be || __\=/__ changed to prose by changing ||.-'` .-"-. `'-. the last line from "the lamb was ||`"-'` `'-"``'. sure to go" to "the lamb went jgs /||) () (\ with her." / || () () \ ;) || () () ; A few days later she asked for | || () () | an example of poetry or prose. | || () () (| Johnny raised his hand and |()|| () | recited, "Mary had a little | || () () | pig, an ornery little runt, | (|| () () | he stuck his nose in Mary's '--||'---'---'---'---'--- clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Asshole". _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm