_______ _ |__ __| | January 26, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." .---. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got \_/ the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate / \ you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." |\\ | | \\| Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the |\ \| conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of |\\ | the dilemma. | \\| |\ \| "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A |\\ | woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to | \\| wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, \_/ jgs flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /-. A little girl was out with her Grandmother / _> when they came across a couple of dogs /` / /-. mating on the sidewalk. , / ((___/ __> \/` / } "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the \ /'\ .--.( little girl. jgs \\ \\ \\ The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" "How do you mean?" asked the Grandmother. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "...and they screw you every time!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII) )'.'.'.':;:;:'.'.'.'( Two gas company servicemen, a senior ('.'.'.;' | `:.'.'.') training supervisor and a young trainee, )'.'.';' | `:'.'.'( were out checking meters in a suburban ('.'.;' | `:.'.') neighborhood. They parked their truck )'.';'____|____`:'.'( at the end of the alley and worked (==@' | `@==) their way to the other end. )'.: @() :.'( ('.'. ()@() .'.') At the last house a woman looking out )'.'. ()@()@) .'.'( her kitchen window watched the two men ('.'. _\|/_ .'.') as they checked her gas meter. )'.'. |-----| .'.'( ('.'.___\___/___.'.') Finishing the meter check, the jgs )'.'============='.'( senior supervisor challenged his ('.' '.') younger coworker to a foot race ~ ~ down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. _ _|=|__________ As they came running up to the / \ truck, they realized the lady from / \ that last house was huffing and /__________________\ puffing right behind them. They || || /--\ || || stopped and asked her what was ||[]|| | .| ||[]|| wrong. ()||__||_|__|_||__||() ( )|-|-|-|====|-|-|-|( ) Gasping for breath, she replied, jgs^^^^^^^^^^====^^^^^^^^^^^ "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" __________ _.-' ___ '-._ .-' `'-.`'-. '-. The second man .' ) `\ '. replied, "I think .' / \ ^V^ '. mine was a witch." / __/________\__ \ / ^V^ '--}}}}}}}"}}--' \ The first man asked, ; {{{{{{ aa\__ ; "How's that?" | }}}}} ,___ __} | | {{{{{\ \_// | "Well," said the | }}}}//'--u | second man, "when I | _ .--'`U\ | nibbled on her ; ::::| \ ( _,\\\ ; breast... she farted \ ::::| |===\ \\=\))=======D / and flew out the \ ::::|_/ `> \\ / window!" '. /_ // .' '. jgs Y\_\\_ .' '-._ _.-' '-.__________.-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .--' | / _ ^ | The Israeli army unit was (_/ `\ | .--. .--. crossing the desert and most ) | / \ / \ of the men were on camels. / | /` ` '. Lt. Smith had a very stubborn | '-' / \ camel, and finally it stopped \ | |\ dead in its tracks and refused \ / \ /\| to move another step. \ / `'-----'``.\ / ||| \\ | The rest of the unit moved on, ((| ((| leaving Smith along with his ||| ||| mulish camel. //_( jgs //_( Smith sat on the camel for three hours. He kicked the camel. He pleaded with it and shouted curses, but the camel would not budge. He dismounted and was standing disconsolately at its side when a woman soldier drove up in a jeep and asked him if he needed help. Lt. Smith explained to her that the camel wouldn't budge. "Oh, I can fix that," she said jumping out of her jeep. She reached down and put her hand under the camel's belly. The camel jumped up and down, and then took off at the rate of half a mile a minute. Lt. Smith was astounded. "What did you do that, lady? What's the trick ?" "Its simple, Lieutenant. I just tickled his balls." "Well, lady, you'd better tickle mine too, because I've got to catch that camel!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. .-'''''-. "How does this glass of water look to you?" |'-----'| Person 1: It is half empty |-.....-| Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. |::. | |::. | Person 2 enters the room. |:::. | |::::. | "How does this glass of water look to you?" |::::::.| Person 2: It is half full. jgs `'-----'` Student writes 'optimist' in his report Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-99 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm