_______ _ |__ __| | February 2, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ._. /_|_\ Trouble on The Highway _.:`___`:-._ ,~'-;(oIo);-'~, `~-( | )=~` | |_ | A car breaks down along the ; ._. ; expressway one day, so the _..-;|\ - /|;-._ driver eases it over onto .-' /_ \\_// _\ '-. the shoulder of the highway. /` ; /__\-'__\; `\ He jumps out of the car, ; \.--| |O O |'-./ ; opens the trunk, and pulls |__ / \ _;O__O___/ \ __| out two men in trench coats. | \ [I_[_]__I] / | \_( ; |O O ; )_/ The men stand behind the car, | | | open up their coats and start | ; | exposing themselves to the | | | oncoming traffic. This ; | | results in one of the worst | | | pile-ups in history. | | ; | | | When questioned by police '-.;____..-' why he put two deviates | || | along the side of the road, |__||__| the man replied, "I broke jgs [__][__] down and was just using my .-'-.||.-'-. emergency flashers!" (___.' '.___) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ -=\`\ The Cautious Pilot... |\ ____\_\__ -=\c`""""""" "`) Taxiing down the tarmac, a jetliner abruptly jgs `~~~~~/ /~~` stopped, turned around and returned to the -==/ / gate. After an hour long wait, it finally '-' took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" she asked. "No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find a new pilot." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-=-. /\____) The Guy Quiz | / . .\ \( _>| _) __/--""-.__ In the company of females, .' ,__._ `''''-._ intercourse should be referred / %% .\ ``''`;--.\ to as: / / ' _%- | .' \ a) lovemaking / / \ _\- \ .' _ \ b) screwing / -;_ \ _\- \_.' /' \ \ .-, c) the pigskin `--._'-.'. . %/)__.;___.;-.;_--. __.' / bus pulling `. \ \ `"` ````` _._) into tuna jgs )_/ '. _______...-`'----'` town `"""""` You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship b) your blood-test results c) five tequila slammers You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first b) you both climax simultaneously c) you don't miss SportsCenter Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience b) the second best part of the experience c) $100.00 extra Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) no concern of yours b) not a problem c) a conservative estimate You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth b) a oxymoron c) a moron Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree b) primer is to paint c) a line is to an amusement park ride Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU" A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort intimacy b) is uptight and a waste of time c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place =========================================================== If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, your still a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times... YOU DA MAN! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Little Liar Johnnie One evening as a family was eating dinner, the mother knowing that her young son Johnnie had been telling lot's of lies as of late, announced that she had made arrangements for her son to go over to talk to their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars. The mother asks her son if he would go over to the parsonage and help the priest with some chores. So Johnnie being a very helpful kid went over. At answering the door the priest ask Johnnie if he was at church Sunday, of course he lied and said yes. "Well," said the priest, "I guess you seen what happened at church Sunday?" "Yes" said Johnnie lying. "Well I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eat them alive?" "Yeah" said Johnnie. .--. / \aa\_ "Well I guess you saw that little dog , \_/ ,_Y) come in right behind him, and stare ((.------`"=( each other down right in the middle of \ \ |o the church?" /) /__\ / / \ \_ / /| "Yeah" said Johnnie, lying again. jgs \_)\__) \_)_) After a few moments of silence the priest finally looked Johnnie straight in the eye and ask Johnnie if he honest to God believed that story. Johnnie replied, without a quiver, "I sure do preacher, that was my Dog!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____________ [_I_I[L]=_I_I_] / | : \ A man saw a sign in a clothing store which | /| \ | said "We sell everything!" The guy walked | | '- | | up to the clerk and asked her for some \ | /^\ | / glass pants. | | | | | | | | | | | | The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't | | | | | | sell those." \ | | | | / / -|-| |-|- \ The man argued that the sign stated that | | | | | | the store sold everything. | | | | | | | | | | | | The woman remarked that glass pants did |__|_| |_|__| not even exist. jgs [____] [____] The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy.....but now I see you're nuts!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. (_,/\ \ A young woman was preparing for her wedding. (`a a( ) She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice ) \= ) ( long black negligee and carefully place it in (.--' '--.) her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, / (_\_/_) \ Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed | / \ / \ | out and could only find a short pink nighty. \\ / \ // She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. \/\ /\/ | \_/ | After the wedding, the bride and groom entered \ / / their hotel room. The groom was a little self- \/ / conscious, so he asked his new bride to change ( ( in the bathroom and promise not to peek while |\ \ he got ready for bed. While she was in the jgs | \ \ bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw /_Y/_Y the negligee her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed. Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm