_______ _ |__ __| | February 9, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Blond and the Snow Storm A blonde got lost in her car in a snow .. .. storm. She remembered what her dad had '\ /' once told her. "If you ever get stuck \\// in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow _.__\\\///__._ and follow it." ' ///\\\ ' //\\ Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and ./ \. she started to follow it. She followed '' '' the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _|_ | | After the revival had concluded, / \ the three pastors were discussing //_\\ the results with one another. //(_)\\ |/^\| The Methodist minister said, "The ||_|| revival worked out great for us! // \\ We gained four new families." // \\ // === \\ The Baptist preacher said, "We did // =-=-= \\ better than that! We gained six new // === \\ families." //| |\\ | | The Presbyterian pastor said, | __ __ | "Well, we did even better than that! | | | | | We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble | | -|- | | makers!" |_|__|__|_| jgs /` ======= `\ /` ======= `\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .&&&&&&&&&&&&&. The madam opened the brothel .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. door to see an elderly Jewish .&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. man. His clothes were all &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& dishevelled and he looked &&&&&&&&&:&&:&&:&&:&&&&&&&&&& needy. "Can I help you?" &&&&&&&&:&'&''&&''&&'&:&&&&&&&& the madam asked. .&&&&&&'(((((( ))))))'&&&&&&. &&&&&&'(/````\ /````\)'&&&&&& "I want Natalie," the old &&&&:' `\ (_) ) \ ( (_) /` ':&&&& man replied. && ( :. '''''' \ `````` .: ) && &&\ \:::. ,__) .:::/ /&& "Sir, Natalie is one of '&&\ `::: :::` /&&' our most expensive ladies, &&&`/\:` .-.-. `:/\`&&& perhaps someone else..." .&&&( ) .'._,_.'. ( )&&&. &&&&&&&&\ \` ` `/ /&&&&&&&& "No, I must see Natalie." &&&&&&&&&\ `---` /&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&`-._ _.-'&&&&&&&&&& Just then Natalie &&&&&&&&&&& `"""` &&&&&&&&&&& appeared and announced &jgs&&&&&&' '&&&&&&&&& to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever comeback two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. The Barracks Door is Open ___ /_____\ /\.-`( '.' ) Mr. Larson got himself a new secretary. / / \_-_/_ She was young, sweet and very polite. \ `-.-"`'V'//-. One day while taking dictation, she `.__, |// , \ noticed his fly was open. When leaving |Ll //Ll|\ \ the room, she said, "Mr. Larson, your |__// | \_\ barracks door is open." /---|[]==| / / \__/ | \/\/ He did not understand her remark, but /_ | Ll_\| later on he happened to look down and |`^"""^`| saw his zipper was open. He decided | | | to have some fun with his secretary. | | | | | | Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, | | | Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door L___l___J was open this morning, did you also |_ | _| jgs notice a soldier standing at attention?" (___|___) ^^^ ^^^ The secretary replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , __ _.-"` `'-. /||\'._ __{}_( This guy was driving down the highway and |||| |'--.__\ was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked | L.( ^_\^ the man for his name and the guy replied, \ .-' | _ | "Earl." | | )\___/ | \-'`:._] "You got a last name, Earl?" \__/; '-. | |o __ \ "Nope. It's a long story, Officer." | |o )( | jgs | |o \/ \ "I got time." Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo- Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) \ / `I=. .=I` /|\ `"=I._ _.I="` /|\ |/|\| /|\ `"=I="` /|\ |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| /|\ |/|\| |/|\| |/#\| |/|\| |/|\| |/|\| |/#\| |###| |/#\| |/|\| |/#\| |###| jgs \#/ |###| |/#\| |###| \#/ ` \#/ |###| \#/ ` ` |###| ` \#/ A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) | The Costume Party _|\__|__/|_ `>.-' |\'-.<` A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, /.-' /|'\'-.\ "I'm going to a costume party and I want '--.-/.|\-..--' to go as Adam." |/|/|.|\| ' |.|\| ' The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, jgs '/.\' "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf (the biggest one in the costume shop). But he still complains, "It's just not big enough." Frustrated she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm