_______ _ |__ __| | February 13, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ _ .'_`\ .' `\ Soon after our last child left home (_( \ \ (_( \ \ for college, my husband was resting \ \ \ \ next to me on the couch with his jgs \ \ ____________\ \ head in my lap. I carefully \.'====. = .===='.\ removed his glasses. (( ) ( )) \\____//^\\____// "You know, honey," I said sweetly, '----' '----' "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , ,\|// /, _|="=\="=./_, ,//"\-/\"\= //_, Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, ,\/=/,"=/ /"=`///. known for his wry humor. He surpassed jgs ,\//="\'-.\"//-c_ a\ himself one summer day when a city dog ,\\_\=_\/=\"/,)_-"\\\_=___) was brought to him after an encounter `/-/=//,-'`--)))`--))) with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?" "Raise porcupines, Ma'am." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test. When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand-job. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blow job. When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself. When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?" He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!" _/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | jgs| | | | | | | | | | | | | | _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." _________________________________________________ |':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|':'|'| | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12| | | |_________________________________________________|jgs ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-"""""-. Any Position... / _____/\_\ //`__ __ \\ Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job // (o) (o) \\ as a consultant." (_ (___) _) \ \_____/ / Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have `-._ _.-' enough consultants." __.-)_(-,__ ./'/ |_| \`\. Applicant: "That's ok, with my jgs / `""""""""""` \ experience, I can be an advisor." Employer: "More than we can use already." Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for person with your qualifications." Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Eddie The Egg... Last night, Eddie the Egg was arrested by police and taken to headquarters for questioning. He's considered to be the prime suspect in the brutal beating of another egg at the farmer's market. The other egg is expected to live, but he's in a coma as his brains have been irreversibly scrambled. At headquarters, the police could not get a confession out of Eddie. They tried putting him in a chair under a hot light. All they accomplished was getting Eddie really boiled-up and rolling all over the place. , The police had to put him into a straight- |\ /\/ \/| ,_ jacket to contain him. Yet, Eddie ; \/` '; , \_', continued to roll all over the place. The \ / police pulled the straps of the jacket '. .' /`. tighter. Finally, Eddie confessed...he `~~` , /\ `"` "cracked" under the pressure. . `" jgs _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm