_______ _ |__ __| | February 16, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\_/) .:``";=-.,.-;'.66\ A leopard went to see an optometrist /,.'`,.'.'`.'.(='Y.)= because he thought he needed an eye //\.','.'./.'.,|`""` exam. "Every time I look at my // /)./`"""\.'./ wife," he worriedly told the _// |/|| \.|\ optometrist, "I see spots before my '-' \\ \\ \\\\ eyes." jgs `" `" `"`" "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , })`-=--. }/ ._.-' _.-=-...-' / An inveterate gambler is always {{| , | spending money on gambling. Every {{\ | \ /_ dime that he gets he blows in Vegas or }} \ ,'---'\___\ at the racetrack. One day his wife { )/\\ \\ >\ gets very ill, and she gets rushed to jgs // >\ >\`- the hospital. The man goes to his `- `- `- friend. "You've gotta help me," he pleads, "I need some money to pay for His friend refuses. these hospital bills." "I'm not going to give you money. You'll just blow it betting on the horses." "No, I won't! I promise!" says the gambler. "I've *got* money for the horses!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ ,/_\, A man had just left home and was heading down ,/_/ \_\, the highway. He saw a sign which said "Cuckoo /_/ ___ \_\ Village, Exit 5". When he arrived at Exit 5, /_/ |(V)| \_\ he took it for he was anxious to see what this | .-. | was all about. It wasn't long after leaving the | / / \ | main highway, he saw a sign that said "Cuckoo | \ \ / | Village" and he pulled into the first driveway | '-' | that he saw. '--,-,--' | | There in front of him, was the most beautiful building | | he had ever seen. It was made of logs and was most | | unusual. It had many windows and doors, all of which /\| had shutters on them. He decided he had to go in and \/| look around. He knocked on the first door he /\ encountered and found himself face to face with a \/ beautiful woman named Heidi. He asked if she minded him coming in and having a look around. Heidi replied, "Not at all, please come in. My name is Heidi and I am the owner of this place. Feel free to roam around and if you have any questions, please ask me." The inside of the building was as beautiful as the outside. It was elaborately decorated with many ornaments, stuffed animals and many clocks. After a while, the man came back to Heidi and said "I'm truly impressed. I would like to have one. How do I go about getting one of these." Heidi said, "Which one?" The man replied, "Doesn't really matter, just one something like this." Heidi (a bit confused), "Do you mean one of our cuckoo clocks?" Man (now a bit confused himself), "I mean a cuckoo house. Isn't this a cuckoo village." Heidi, "Yes, this is the cuckoo village! We sell cuckoo clocks." Man, "Darn. My wife just kicked me out of the house....said I was a cuckoo. I'm looking for a place to live." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .--. .-========-. Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler | === [__] | | [__][__] | | o ==== | Old telephone books make ideal personal address | LILILILI | books. Simply cross out the names and addresses | LILILILI | of people you don't know. | LILILILI | | LILILILI | Fool other drivers into thinking you have an | __ __ | expensive car phone by holding an old TV or | [__][__] | video remote control up to your ear and | [__][][] | occasionally swerving across the road | [__] == | and mounting the curb. jgs | OOO | '-========-' Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in ,-"""""""-, masking tape and remove the dirt by ; '-----' ;-. , simply peeling it off. |`"""""""`|_ '.__.-'| '._______.' '._ _.-' Apply red nail polish to your nails `` before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). ___ ___ / _ \ _.-'_.' If a person is choking on an ice \____`-.____.-'_.-' cube, don't panic. Simply pour a `-. _.\.-' jug of boiling water down their ____.-'`__/-._ throat and presto! The blockage / _ .-'` '-._`-._ is almost instantly removed. \___/ '-._'-. jgs `"` Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!" ,----------------------,__ /\ \ `\__..--"""-. \/ /_,/ `'-- '----------------------' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __...._ .-"` `\ Three English men were in a bar and / | spotted an Irishman. One guy said he | | was going to piss him off. He walked \ | over to the Irishman and tapped him on \ __...--'| the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. \.-' |_..-, Patrick was a faggot." __\___...---'`_..-' (_______....--'\ "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." / `\ (o \__ | | __) _ _ Puzzled, the Englishman walked \ /`\ \ | (_Y_) back to his buddies. "I told _ '-.\_,| | T-._/ (_A_) him St. Patrick was a faggot _../`'T T-'` | | \__ _| and he didn't care!" .' | | | | \___ | /_\`\ / | | | | \ `/-`\ --| "You just don't know how | \ | | | | /`----' |--' to set him off, watch \ `\ \_; |`-.......-` and learn." .-.-'. \_LI ; / / /`-._ |`-\ \ The second Englishman _/_/ / | \ \ walked over and tapped ( ( ;.__ / \__,\__ the Irish man on the `"`""` `""""` `.__._`; jgs shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm