_______ _ |__ __| | February 20, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him, striking him in the temple and killing him. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter looked in the big book and said... _ "I see you were a golfer, *"_"* is that correct?" __ /`_`\ __ .' '. | / \ | .' '. "Yes, I am," he , / ')\^_^/(' \ , replied. \`--' . (_.> <._) . '--`/ '.__.' '._/ \_/ \_.' '.__.' St Peter then said, / , _ , \ "Can you drive the ball \ \_/|\_/ / a long distance?" \ //^\\ / \/` `\/ The golfer replied, "You bet. | | After all, I got here in 2, | | didn't I?" | | | | .. ..:::.| | ..::::. .. ..::::..::::... .::::::::| |:::::::::::::::. ::::::::::::::::::.:::::::::::| |:::::::::::::::::. ':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::| |::::::::::::::::::' '':::' '::::::::::::::::\_.__./:::::::::::::::'' '':::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::' jgs '::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::'' '':::::'' '''::::::'' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful. "Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often." "How about three times a day?" the patient asked. "That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?" "Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied. "I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor. The patient said, "I've got one just like that!" So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?" "Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!" ________ .==== [________>< :=== '==== ________ ___,,,,,,, [________>__________\ ________ .==. jgs [________>c((_ ) '==' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. ."". Dick was the winner of the second prize - a 6 month |()| supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. | | | | Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush. | | | | When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the | | others how they were enjoying their prizes. | | | | "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti." | | >< "So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, >#<>#< Harry?" >#< >#< _....._ >#< >#< "Not so good," ;.__-__.;-._ >#<>#< Harry said, | | :-.__ .-; `""` "I reckon I'll go | | : : | back to paper..." | | : : | jgs'._____.'-._: : | -.__;.-' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) How to Tell if Your Viagra is Working - At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats. - Your face is very pale due to lack of blood. - When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod." - You begin to think your mother in law is pretty. - Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it. __,---, .---. /__|o\ ) .-"-. .----.""". / 6_6 `-\ / / / 4 4 \ /____/ (0 )\ \_ (__\ ,) (, \_ v _/ `--\_ / // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ (( )) {( )} (( )) {{ }} =======""===""=========""===""======""===""=========""===""======= jgs ||| ||||| ||| ||| | ||| | '|' | - Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial. - Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line... - Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar. - You always lose limbo contests. - Lewinsky wants you to be president someday. - You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick. - You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.._ /` `\ | | Ice Cream Is Good For The Soul \._ _./ / `""""` \ | | Last week I took my children to a restaurant. \._ _./ My six-year-old son asked if he could say \ `""""` / grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is \## / good. God is great. Thank You for the food, \### / and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us jgs \##/ ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice \/ for all. Amen!" Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream. Why, I never!" Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?" As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart." Then in a theatrical whisper he added, indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing, "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ .-""-. / '''---...-'.' `\\ jgs \___...---"""-._-.__// Fixin To Make The Fixins... '---' If I where a maniac, I would drive a Cadillac. But at least I would not be a hypochondriac, even if I was on prozac. If I was fixing to make the biscuits I would first get the biscuit mixes. Then I would make the biscuit fixins I was fixin to get the biscuit mixes. But I seen two stixes so I used the stixes to mix the mixes together to make the biscuit fixins. But then suddenly Mr Nicks started to help me with the biscuit fixins. Then I asked Mr Nicks if we needed more mix in the biscuit mix to make more fixins? Mr nicks said no I don't think we need more mix in this biscuit mix because we are ( fixin to really start mixing the mix ) ) because you know when you are fixin to _.(--"("""--.._ mix the mix. You need to mix the mix /, _..-----).._,\ real fast so when you mix the mix fast | `'''-----'''` | the mix gets bigger so you can make \ / more fixins. But at this point we are '. .' only just fixin to make the fixins. jgs '--.....--' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Your Ad Here! Advertise in The Funny Bone for only $21 write for details ads@funnybone.com _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm