_______ _ |__ __| | February 23, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when /_\ suddenly she had to fart. She promptly /_\_\ reached into her bag and sprayed the air /_/_/_\ with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a /_\_\_\ gentleman got on the elevator. /_/_/_/_\ /_\_\_\_\ He began to sniff... /_/_/_/_/_\ /_\_\_\_\_\ The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?" /_/_/_/_/_/_\ /_\_\_\_\_\_\ "Well, yes I do," he replied. /_/_/_/_/_/_/_\ jgs [___] "What does it smell like?" The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone shit in a pine tree." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. As I was driving to work one rainy morning /_____\__ a most unfortunate accident occurred. You `\/6.6\/--` see, there was a small 10 year old boy ( _ ) walking on the sidewalk who just happened ,'---', to be in the path of the huge mud puddle I / _ \ had just hydroplaned through. /\/ (_) \/\ \ | (_) | / He had a tough decision to make, should he \| |/ go to school all wet and muddy or should he |_____| go home and change and probably be late for | | | school. | | | \__|__/ So while he was thinking about it... |_|_| I drove by and splashed him again! _|_|_|_ jgs (___|___) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) __T__I___...__7~ ,_ `"|-=||==|==|==| [_`'---...,____|"_||__|__|__|_ | `'---...__PHILOMENA D_______] jgs~^~-~^-^~^'----~^~---~---------~^---'`~^-^~~^-^~^ A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son. If you don't ask questions,... you'll never learn anything!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted. The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. ,;;;, Well five minutes later he returned ;;/'\;; .;;;. to the class room and says to the ( ^.^ ) ////\\\ teacher, "I can't find it." \_-_/ ( '.' ) .--'-'--. \_-_/ Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, / \ .-"-. a boy who has been at the school for / /| |\ \ / \ awhile, to help him find the \ \| |/ ///| |\\ bathroom. \ |_____| / \\| |// (| |) \|___|/ So, Tommy and Billy go together and | T | | | five minutes later they both return | | | | T | and sit down at their seats. The | | | | | | teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you | | | | | | find it?" jgs _[__|__]_ _[_|_]_ (____|____) (___|___) Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) CARING FOR THE BLIND... Paddy was working in a home for the blind when one day, he decided he was gonna go to the country side and visit a lady friend of his. Just as luck would have it, three of the blind people he looked after begged him to take them with for the ride, just to get out to the country and breath the crisp, fresh air. All attempts to dissuade them were fruitless when Paddy came up with a plan to keep them busy while he was inside with the lady friend. _...._ Anyway, so off they went and after a long .' \ _'. drive finally arrived at the cottage where /##\__/##\_\ upon they were greeted by Paddy's friend. |\##/ \##/ | Before going inside he gave his three |/ \__/ \ _| blind friends a soccer ball with a bell \ _/##\__/#/ inside so that they could play a bit of jgs '.\##/__.' kick the ball while he was busy. Paddy, `""""` sure that this would keep them out of any trouble left them and went inside. About two hours later Paddy decided to check on his friends and wondered outside. To his absolute horror there were his three blind friends being loaded into the back of a police van, handcuffs and all. Paddy rushed to his car and followed the van to the Police station. Absolutely dumbfounded as to what his blind friends could have done that would warrant them being arrested, he questioned the arresting officer. "Well sir, its and open and shut case. Those three gentleman kicked an ice cream man to death!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman ,__ suddenly asked | `'. the man. __ |`-._/_.:---`-.._ \='. _/..--'`__ `'-._ "Ummm, yeah..." \- '-.--"` === / o `', the startled man )= ( .--_ | _.' replied. /_=.'-._ {=_-_ | .--`-. /_.' `\`'-._ '-= \ _.' The officer jgs ) _.-'`'-.. _..-'` grinned and added, /_.' `/";';`| "Ever catch *all* the fish?" \` .'/ '--' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. 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