_______ _ |__ __| | March 1, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .-""-. / .--. \ | | \_| | | | | | | An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him | | a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's | | cane slips on the floor and he falls. | | | | As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, | | turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber | | thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." | | | | The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the | | same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." |_| [_] _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) [] [] Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day [] and decided that today they would play the ball where || it lies... "No matter what!" || || On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his ball and it || ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick || up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a || minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! || Remember? No matter what!" || |'-----. .-. The first player tried to explain that he \______/ (jgs) was entitled to this relief -- that it was '-' in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Finally, in disgust, As he stood near the man went to the cart and grabbed a his ball, he took club. a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the cement again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop -- two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man answered with a wry smile, "Your 7-iron!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,='"`````"'=, And it came to pass after these things that ; .-=-. ; God did test Avraham. And God said to him, ', /=====\ ,' "Avraham!" "=|/"""\|=" \^ ^/ And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am." / '-' \ / _ \ And God said, "Take your computer, your old / /|\ \ computer, your 486 and install upon it an | \_/ | \_/ | operating system, a new operating system, | |/ \| | Windows 2000 which I will show to you." \__| |__/ | | And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and | | saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his | | old computer, his 486, on the ass. And he took | | two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his | | son. |'.'.'.'| jgs '.'.'.'.' And he rose up and went to the place where God had told him, there to find Windows 2000. Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 2000 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 2000 on our 486, and come again to you" And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 486, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together. And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am my son." And Yitzchak said, "Windows 2000 requires far more memory than a 486 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?" And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with Unsweìrving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said, "Fear not, Yitzchak my son, ...God will provide the RAM." _____________ _ *** |.--- *** ---.| ( `\( ) * A Prayer to my || (`\( )/`) || `> /~\_I COMPUTER ANGELS: || > /~\ < || (_/ /\/ || (// \\) || \ \ Guide my keystrokes, ||___`| |`___|| jgs / / Keep my programs alive, `-)--|_|--(-' \/ Protect me from viruses, [=== -- o ]--. ` Back up my drive. __'---------'__ \ [::::::::::: :::] ) Amen. `""'"""""'""""`/T\ jgs \_/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _.:::::._ .:::'_|_':::. /::' --|-- '::\ Psychologists have discovered that the manner |:" .---"---. ':| in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great |: ( O R E O ) :| insight into their personalities. Choose which |:: `-------' ::| method best describes your favorite method of \:::.......:::/ eating Oreo's: jgs':::::::::::' `'"""'` 1. The whole thing all at once. 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards. 4. In little feverish nibbles. 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...). 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. 10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo. Your Personality: 1. The whole thing... This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time... You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and Methodical... You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit. 4. Feverish Nibbles... Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked... Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then the cookie... You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, and then toss the cookie... You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside... You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them... Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately. 10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies... You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _..._ .~ `~. ,_ / } One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that ,_\'--, \ _.'`~~/ the church needed some extra money and asked \'--,_`{_,} -( the people to prayerfully consider giving a '.`-.`\;--,___.'_ little extra in the offering plate. He said '._`/ |_ _{@} that whoever gave the most, / ` |-';/ _ would be able to pick out / \ / | _ {@}_ three hymns. / '--;_ _ {@} _Y{@} _\ `\ {@}\Y/_{@} Y/ After the offering plates / |`-.___. / \Y/\|{@}Y/\|// were passed, the pastor ^^^`--`------'`--`^^^^^^^^^^^^^^jgs^^^ glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks- giving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!" | -=*=- m w n (| (} | {) {\ {) |/||\ {\ $_>&_>%_> | || ___o /|/_ | \| \| \ jgs | || X--X |__\ |__\__\__\ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm