_______ _ |__ __| | March 8, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,{{}}}}}}. "How come you're late?" asks the {{{{{}}}}}}}. bartender as the blonde waitress walks {{{{ {{{{{}}}} in the door. }}}}} _ _ {{{{{ }}}} m m }}}}} "It was awful," she explains. "I was {{{{C ^ {{{{{ walking down Elm street and there }}}}}}\ '=' /}}}}}} was this terrible accident. A man {{{{{{{{;.___.;{{{{{{{{ was lying in the middle of the }}}}}}}}}) (}}}}}}}}}} street. He'd been thrown from his {{{{}}}}}': :{{{{{{{{{{ car. His leg was broken, his skull {{{}}}}}} `@` {{{}}}}}}} was fractured, and there was blood {{{{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}} everywhere. Thank God I took that }}}}}}}} {{{{{{{{{ first-aid course and all my training {{{{{{{{ }}}}}} came back to me in a minute." }}}}} {{{{ jgs {{{ }} "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____________ |--|"'"'"'"'"'"'"|-.______________ jgs |--|_____________|-' The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO 10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. 7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day." _ ( ) 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing \\ the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. .--\\------. \:--------'/ 4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of- \: _ / network charges" is not a typo. )|_)\_/( /:| \/ \ \ 3. The only expense covered 100% is jgs /:. \ embalming. '-:.____..-' 2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them. And The Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO... 1. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) , # (\\_(^> (_(__)` || Someone left the zebra's cage open by accident, and _||___ he escaped and ran to a local farm. -||--- _||___ He approached an old hen and asked, "What do YOU do -||--- around here?" || ^^^^^^^^^^ She said, "I lay eggs for the farmers breakfast." Then he walked over to a cow and _ (.".) _ asked, "What do YOU do around here?" '-'/. .\'-' /_ _\ _...._ She said, "I give milk for the (` o o `)---` .::'. farmers breakfast." /"---"` .::' ' \ |: .::. / .::;| Then he walked over a huge stallion |' ::' .:| ':|| and asked, "What do YOU do around \\ \ \ '\ /\\ here?" \`;-'| |-.-'-, \ |) ( | ( | `-uu ( | He said, "Take off those pajamas, and || || || || I'll show you EXACTLY what I do around /_( /_( /_(/_( jgs here!" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) o00000000o o0/\0000/\0o o00\c "" J/00o A circus owner runs an ad for a lion o. 0000/ b d \000 tamer and two young people show up. `00. 0000 _ |000 One is a good looking lad in his mid- `00 `0000(=_Y_=)00' twenties and the other is a gorgeous // ;0000`\7/000' blonde about the same age. (( / `0000000' \\ .' | The circus owner tells them, "I'm not \\ / \ | | going to sugar coat it. This is one \\/ ) | | ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer jgs \ /_ | |__ so you guys better be good or you're (___________))))))) history. Here's your equipment; chair, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```````~~~~ whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) sSSSSSSs SSS'\\\\SS SSS - -'SS At the card shop: A woman was spending SS(, a \a S a long time looking at the cards, SSSS -' |S finally shaking her head, "No." 'SSS\ '= /S/| 'S|`-. __.' / | A clerk came over and asked, "May I .-'| `-.__.' .-\ help you?" / /-. | | { _/ \_ } | | `| "I don't know," said the woman. | | | | "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at '. | | .' your genital organ' cards?" jgs '-.| |.' `"` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it." __________________________________ / || /\ The sales rep shows his | (()) |: display case and then, \__||_____________________________\/ hoping to clinch a sale, \ offers to take the manger out for martinis. .\"""""""""-. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I \`\-------'`/ tried alcohol once, but didn't like it." \ \__ o . / \/ \ o/ Then the salesman glances out the officer window \__/. / and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf", \_ _/ says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be Y a guest at my club." | | "No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf jgs _.-' '-._ once, but I didn't like it." `---------` Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager. "Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!" _____________________________________________________________________ |.============[_F_E_D_E_R_A_L___R_E_S_E_R_V_E___N_O_T_E_]============.| ||%&%&%&%_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ %&%&%&%&|| ||%&%&%&/||_||_ | ||\||||_| \ (_ ||\||_(_ /\|_ |\|V||_|)|/ |\ \%&%&%|| ||&%.--.}|| ||_ \_/| ||||_|_/ ,_)|||||_,_) \/| ||| ||_|\|\_||{.--.%&|| ||%/__ _\ ,-----,-'____'-,-----, /__ _\ || ||||_ / \| [ .-;"`___ `";-. ] ||_ / \||| ||| \| || """""""""" 1 `).'.'.'`_ _'. '.'.(` A 76355942 J | \| |||| |||,_/\_/| // / .' '\ \\ |,_/\_/||| ||%\ / d8888b // | / _ _ | \\ .-"""-. \ /%|| ||&%&--' 8P |) Y8 || //; a \a \ || //A`Y A\\ '--'%&|| ||%&%&| 8b |) d8 || \\ '. _> .| || ||.-'-.|| |&%&%|| ||%&%&| Y8888P || `| `-'_ ` | || \\_/~\_// |&%&%|| ||%%%%| || ;'. ' ` / || '-...-' |%&%&|| ||%&%&| A 76355942 J /;\ _.-'. `-..'`>-._ /;\ |%&%&|| ||&%.--. (, ': \; >-'` ;` ,) .--.%&|| ||%( 50 ) 1 """"""" _( \ ;...---""---...; / )_```"""""""1 ( 50 )%|| ||&%'--'============\`----------,----------------`/============'--'%&|| ||%&JGS&%&%&%&%&&%&%&) F I F T Y D O L L A R S (%&%&%&%&%&%&&%&%&%&|| '"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""` _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm